Charities. You give them money so you don’t have to do anything yourself except give money and then you wonder if they’re even doing anything with the money you gave them so you wait for a letter or phone call to tell you what they’re doing only they just call to see if you’ll give them more and you do because you don’t want to do anything yourself and so on…
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the world’s best and worst among them so you can act informed as you blithely donate, wait, and masturbate.
BEST: Heifer International. “Working to end hunger and poverty around the world by providing livestock and training to struggling communities.”
WORST: Greek farmers’ Dating Association. Tinder style matching between livestock and Greek farmers.
BEST: United Way. “Fights for the health, education, and financial stability of every person in every community.”
WORST: Mr. Frenner’s Way. Junior high Vice-Principal Gerald Frenner has some pretty strict rules for how things should be done. Now you can subsidize his income as he punishes students who misuse chewing gum and ask to use the bathroom but are really going there to vape only to find Mr. Frenner in the next stall, waiting to bust them.
BEST: World Wildlife Fund (WWF). “The leading organization in wildlife conservation and endangered species.”
WORST: World Wrestling Federation (WWF).
BEST: Sierra Club. “Explore, enjoy, and protect the planet.”
WORST: I Give Up Club. “Saying, fuck this, it’s too hard, and just getting on with your life.”
BEST: Ducks Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages wetlands and associated habitats for North America's waterfowl.”
WORST: Chupacabras Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages habitats for North America’s Chupacabras.”
BEST: Future Farmers of America. “Preparing members for leadership and careers in the science, business and technology of agriculture.”
WORST: Future Pork Pullers of America. A charity focused on group masturbation somehow bringing about world peace, which it would, if everyone jacked off at exactly the same time, making it very difficult to hold weapons or chase people.
Nobody ever says no to getting drunk (unless you’re a freak), but you may want to say no to some of America’s worst cocktails.
The Intergalactic Business Report recently did a deep dive into our country’s hottest bars to uncover some of the very best and very worst drinks. See them below:
WORST: Butt plug selzer.
BEST: Gin Fizz.
WORST: Shit water on ice.
BEST: Peppermint Pattie.
WORST: Crème de Menthe with mild ass drippings.
WORST: Bung cup with a cucumber garnish.
BEST: Finger stirred Negroni.
WORST: Penis stirred vodka shooter.
BEST: Jonn the Beachcomber.
WORST: John Fabrizio’s frumunda cheese cocktail sandwich.
BEST: Old Fashioned.
WORST: The super old-fashioned: Grandma’s ballsack infused copper ale.
WORST: Pube strained Tequilla with a lemon twist.
As we become mired in the summer music festival season, the Intergalactic Business Report rates the best and worst places to go if you want to spend your time kind of hearing music while smelling the body odor of dudes in tank tops while you figure out whether it’s their stench or the alcohol that’s going to make you collapse and forget you were even there.
BEST: Coachella. Plan ahead for the 2020 event as tickets went on sale this June.
WORST: Coach Ella. We recommend skipping this festival run by former women’s volleyball coach Ella Sundberry because it’s basically her and a guitar that she doesn’t really know how to play and she just stares at you like she’s going to eat you or something.
BEST: Pitchfork. In it’s 14th year, Pitchfork will feature 40+ acts in Chicago’s Union Park.
WORST: BitchMork. In it’s 1st year ever, Robin Williams impersonator Jerry Fitzellis plays a bitchy version of Mork from Ork as he guides you through a universe of his favorite Yacht Rock songs that he’s pretty sure Mork would have listened to in 1979 Boulder, Colorado.*
BEST: Lollapalooza. Come to Grant Park in Chicago for the millionth year of this cultural fixture.
WORST: Larry’s pal Louisa. Larry couldn’t play music, so his friend Louisa does for him. And it’s all an interpretation of whatever she believes Larry is thinking. And it sounds kind of like someone screaming for an hour. Mostly because Louisa just screams for about an hour. Oh, and they don’t sell alcohol.
BEST: Glastonbury. Come out to Worthy Farm in the U.K. to see some of the biggest names in music.
WORST: The best of Masterpiece Theatre song festival. This British music fest features your favorite instrumental music from Masterpiece Theatre shows like I Claudius, Jeeves and Wooster, and Blimey, the first intellectual prank show from 1973 in which jokesters use improper grammar in public settings and wait for horrified reactions from their unsuspecting victims.
BEST: Bonnaroo. 150 plus epic performances somewhere in Tennessee.
WORST: Boneroo. Kind of the same only it’s a penis measuring contest with no music whatsoever. It is, however, in rural Tennessee, so there’s that.
BEST: Woodstock 50. Celebrate the 50th anniversary of the iconic music fest in Watkins Glen, NY.
WORST: The real Woodstock 50. This competing festival features dirty hippies who grope you while you take a mud shower.
*We might actually switch this one to the “best” category.
It’s the future and instead of cars we all have spaceships. Or, more realistically, it’s not the future but you think about what you would name a spaceship if you had one, in the future.
Whatever the situation, you only get one chance to give your vessel a title that befits it, so don’t screw it up by naming it one of the worst names ever. Take our advice below and command the universe.
BEST: Star searcher 9.
WORST: Star search hosted by Ed McMahon.
BEST: Universe explorer.
WORST: Feelings Explorer.
BEST: Space seeker 1.
WORST: Vagina seeker 69 (decommissioned for failure to find anything).
BEST: Odyssey 41.
WORST: Odd sister who’s forty-one and still isn’t married. Doesn’t even have a boyfriend.
BEST: Limitless 6.
WORST: Need to be home for dinner at six.
BEST: Battle fleet commander.
WORST: Butt and feet that smell like coriander.
WORST: Talks a lot of shit but pussies out of the actual fight(er).
Museums are places you go to feel like you give a shit about things someone created years before you were born or stopped caring about everything in the entire world. Then you have to sit there and pretend you want to be there. After that, you start wondering how long you have to look at each boring picture, vase, or sculpture. Then you decide to leave and say to everyone, “I was just at the museum and you should check out the new exhibit” and hope they don’t ask you to go with them.
Before you embark on your next fake art appreciation day, the Intergalactic Business Report gives you its reviews of the very best and very worst museums in the world. Read so that you never need again.
BEST: The Prado Museum, Madrid.
WORST: The Did Someone Eat my Fucking Pizza Museum, Cindy Mann’s Kitchen, Philadelphia.
COMPARISON: The Prado Museum features masterpieces by Rubens, Goya, and El Greco. The Did Someone Eat My Fucking Pizza Museum features pizza crusts left in a pizza container in Cindy Mann’s kitchen, where one of her roommates clearly came home drunk and ate her fucking pizza. The container now remains in her kitchen as a reminder of her roommates’ treachery.
BEST: The Smithsonian, Washington D.C.
WORST: Hairy Balls Museum, Chad Mumstead’s pants, wherever he is.
COMPARISON: The Smithsonian is a complex of museums of art, science, history, and culture. Chad Mumstead’s Hairy Balls Museum is a mobile museum, contained entirely in his pants. It travels with him everywhere and patrons must ask him to see its only exhibit, his hairy hairy balls, which happens never.
BEST: The Art Institute of Chicago.
WORST: The Fart Institute of Chicago, Trey Mandolowski’s Butthole, Chicago.
COMPARISON: The Art Institute of Chicago, known for its collection of French Impressionism, was named TripAdvisor’s Best Museum in the world. The Fart Institute of Chicago, on the other hand, was named worst smell in the world by anyone near Trey Mandolowski’s butthole from 2015-2018.
BEST: The Guggenheim Museum, New York City.
WORST: Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum, Cedric Bigglestone’s apartment hallway.
COMPARISON: The iconic Guggenheim Museum in New York is an architectural marvel on the outside and a treasure trove of art within. The Scrotum Self-Portrait Museum is a series of crudely drawn pictures that Cedric Bigglestone claims were painted by his scrotum, even though everyone tells him that using your nutsack to hold a crayon and then drawing with it doesn’t mean your scrotum did it on its own.
BEST: The Metropolitan Museum of Modern Art, New York City.
WORST: Jeff’s Hamster Museum, his mom’s basement.
COMPARISON: The world comes to see some of the greatest masterpieces of modern art at MOMA in New York. Meanwhile, some neighborhood kids pay Chuck E. Cheese tokens to Jeff Barney to see his group of dead hamsters which he has arranged to make it look like they’re having sex.
BEST: The Louvre, Paris.
WORST: The Most Average Penis Gallery, Diedra Day’s Iphone.
COMPARISON: The Louvre is arguably the most famous museum of art on the planet. Diedra Day’s Iphone is arguably the most viewed mobile device in her office, as she shows co-workers pictures she has collected of men’s dicks.
BEST: The British Museum, London.
WORST: Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum, Phil Ratuliak’s bathroom, Durango, Colorado.
COMPARISON: The British Museum contains artifacts including the Rosetta Stone. The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum contains only one artifact—the shit Phil Ratuliak never flushed, thinking no one would ever believe that he crapped such a long turd. His toilet now has a “do not flush” sign above it and a glass viewing panel over the toilet bowl.
Jobs are what you do while you slowly die over fifty or sixty years, so you better pick a good one! This week the Intergalactic Business Report profiles the best and worst jobs in America. Read and don’t need ever again.
BEST: Hedge fund manager.
WORST: Assistant leg humper.
BEST: Vice-president for strategic solutions.
WORST: Semen sweeper.
BEST: Fortune 500 Board Chairman.
WORST: “Brenda’s bitch.”
WORST: Tester of the limits of butthole expansion using your own butthole.
BEST: Venture Capitalist.
WORST: Japanese pee taster.
BEST: Multi-patented inventor.
WORST: Independent human hair collector.
BEST: Famous artist.
WORST: Famous self nut puncher.
BEST: Extremely successful actor.
WORST: Ghost who never found love and haunts some girl from high school he was kind of into, but not totally.
If you’re a space creature, your name needs to demand respect and fear. That way, when people hear that “Krulldar” is invading their planet, they’ll be like, “Oh shit. Not Krulldar.” But if you go with a terrible name, your invasion may fail.
The Intergalactic Business Report has compiled the very best and worst space creature names in the universe. Don’t start your invasion without reading these first.
BEST: Krulldar, Imperial Emperor of the Topaxian Galaxy.
WORST: Bonar, Assistant Director of Marketing for the Tampaxian Galaxy.
BEST: Novalux, the Solar System Destroyer.
WORST: Bagels and Lox, comedy duo available for both bat and bar mitzvahs. (They DJ too.)
BEST: Stendarian 24, Protector of Galaxy System X49B.
WORST: Phil Ratuliak.
WORST: Lil’ Abe.
BEST: Shadow Monster.
WORST: Sticky Pantz.
BEST: Master Starbringer, Commander of the 46th Galactic Fleet.
WORST: Mister Treebanger, finder of 46 holes in trees across Jasper County, Missouri.
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report goes deeper than ever, as we deliver you our rating for the best and worst human beings. Did you make the list?
BEST: Sandy from work, who always seems to know if something’s wrong and makes you little cards to cheer you up.
WORST: Derek, also from work, but who doesn’t work there and just sneaks in at night to take a dump in your filing cabinet.
BEST: John Wendelson, who teaches Kindergarten to special needs students even though his mathematical brain could make him millions in the business world.
WORST: Brenda Beaverson, who has a Kindergarten education and has a special need to have random sex with business men at rates that defy mathematics.
BEST: Your grandmother, who still bakes you cookies and gets you the most thoughtful birthday gifts.
WORST: Your stoner roommate, who gets baked on your birthday and isn’t thoughtful because she doesn’t have thoughts anymore.
BEST: Steve your mailman, who always has a smile and a kind word.
WORST: Brandon your estranged neighbor, who steals your mail and sends it to drug lords in the Philippines with your return address.
BEST: Cindy the nun who’s taken a vow of chastity in order to serve the lord.
WORST: Mindy, your ex-girlfriend, who’s taken a vow of nastity because she’s bored.
BEST: Jeff, from the bookstore, who always has a recommended read for you.
WORST: Gamersauce69 from Xbox live, who keeps sending you messages recommending you kill yourself because you lost to him in a video game.
BEST: That woman who died and everyone says, “She was the greatest person I’ve ever known.”
WORST: That woman who died and everyone is afraid if they say her name three times she’ll reappear and kill them.
BEST: The flight attendant who calms down nervous passengers with his soothing voice.
WORST: Ryan Seacrest.
BEST: “Three cheers” Lisa, who got her nickname by being so positive and celebrating other people.
WORTS: “Three cheese” Tony, whose nickname actually has nothing to do with food.
Soon after the phone was invented, people had to come up with things to say when they answered it. The Intergalactic Business Report compiles the very best and worst ways of doing that. If you’re someone who trains people to answer phones, feel free to use this with new employees. You’re welcome.
WORST: Who dat?
BEST: Mike speaking.
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Dick sucker residence.
BEST: Name of business, how may I help you?
WORST: Name of business, how may I help you suck my dick?
WORST: Hello? Suck my dick.
BEST: Mike speaking.
WORST: Speak into my mic.*
BEST: Parker residence.
WORST: Parker suck my dick residence.
BEST: Good morning, this is Sandra.
WORST: Good morning, this is Sandra’s dick. Will you suck me?
*Which means, “Suck my dick.”
This week, we reveal our best and worst resolutions for the new year:
BEST: I’m going to try to eat well and lose weight this year.
WORST: I’m going to try to win a “largest goiter” contest in Eastern Europe this summer and finally unseat Angelico Urobowic.
BEST:I’m going to open my heart and see if love finds me this year.
WORST: I’m going to open my butt and see if farts come out this year.
BEST: This year, I’m going to focus on my career and get a promotion and a pay raise.
WORST: This year, I’m going to tattoo the face of a successful person over my own face.
BEST: This will be the year of self-esteem and new confidence for me.
WORST: This will be the year I stop being such a worthless pussy and do something other than jack off and eat candy. Oh fuck it. Where’s the lube and Snickers bars?
BEST: I vow to live in the moment and be truly present this year.
WORST: I vow to remember to what?
BEST: This year I will save money and cut unneeded expenses from my budget.
WORST: This year I will invest in premium lap dances and establish a monopoly on them.
BEST: I will start my own business and live my dreams.
WORST: I will fart my own something something and something else.