FOURTH OF JANUARY:
If you could think of a day of the year more fucking meaningless than the fourth of January it would be a challenge. Christmas is over. The weather sucks. You suck because of it. Depression is setting in and now you’re giving up on the diet you promised yourself you’d do because cheesecake is more appealing than making the slightest effort to better yourself.
FOURTH OF FEBRUARY:
The fourth of January was bad. It proved that despite your average efforts at self-improvement, you will never move forward in any way that could be considered even mildly positive. If you’ve made it to February 4th, you can say to yourself: “Hey, I’m a human being who’s alive but not one that matters at all. I’m going to look for a video game where I play someone who doesn’t suck and make a ton of in game purchases that leave me empty.”
FOURTH OF MARCH:
March. And not even the end of March. Now you’re thinking that winter may be over but it’s not even close and the only thing that can make you feel O.K. about yourself is that cheesecake and since you bought an entire cheesecake and not just a slice, it’s time to eat an entire cheesecake whose final bite brings you closer to understanding the universe’s plan for you—to be a fat fucker who eats cheesecake.
FOURTH OF APRIL:
April showers bring May flowers! Also they seem to make you fatter and more drunk. Three days after being ridiculed with April Fool’s jokes, the rain droplets may as well be your tears flowing over a decrepit house (you) as you realize that you are living in a simulation where your alien controller checked out seven years ago to start a new character.
FOURTH OF MAY:
Oh, look, the weather looks better. Nah. Fuck you. Here comes a tornado and you are confined to your basement while you hear a jacked-up weather forecaster try to earn a daytime Emmy for screaming at you to take shelter while you wonder if you left any cheesecake in the fridge upstairs.
FOURTH OF JUNE:
Summer time! Now you can show off your awesome body that you worked on all year by eating fucking cheesecake and drinking beer. Your swimsuit is so tight you wonder if it’s the one you wore in junior high. Nope. It’s the one you got last summer because you were too fat to fit into the one from the year before that you had to get because you were too fat for that. Want to go to the beach? Nope? Just start eating cheesecake. That’s all you’re good at anyway.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Oh hell yeah! Time to fucking drink beers and let off fireworks. Fat body? Who gives a shit? Give me another beer, motherfucker! This is the one day of the year where nothing fucking matters! I said give me another beer, motherfucker! Did you not fucking hear me? Give me your beer then! I’m drunk, daddy! Yeah, I called you daddy, motherfucker! Do you want some, motherfucker? Check out my bathing suit! It’s fucking ripping in the ass crack! Yeah, I’ll smoke some crack! Is that what you asked?
FOURTH OF AUGUST:
Man, the 4th of July rocked. This shit sucks. You have nothing to say. So shut up.
FOURTH OF SEPTEMBER:
Fall…. Yeah. Football and leaves changing. This fucking sucks.
FOURTH OF OCTOBER:
Do you remember the 4th of July when you were fucking partying and drinking and it was awesome? Now it’s the 4th of October. What does that even fucking mean?
FOURTH OF NOVEMBER:
Hey, the weather’s getting cold and that cheesecake of the month club you got for Christmas last year is on its last month. Maybe someone will get if for you again this Christmas. What’s the date today? Oh, the 4th of November.
FOURTH OF DECEMBER:
Excuse me, fat ass… What’s the date today? Did you say the fourth of December? That sucks. Do you have any cheesecake? No? Why not?
In part of its commitment to education and honesty, the Intergalactic Business Report looked at the absolute worst colleges and universities in the nation where we felt parents would be better off letting their children become hostesses at Japanese nightclubs or cruise ship Karaoke hustlers rather than allowing them to attend them.
We recommend you peruse this list carefully and make sure your offspring are not considering matriculating at any of these:
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Jeff Tanner’s College of Learning, His Van Campus.
WHY NOT: We also don’t recommend the His Apartment Campus, which may be coming back soon if he can enroll enough students at the His Van Campus.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Middle-west East Southwest State Tech of Southern Florida University in Jeff Tanner’s pants.
WHY NOT: A post-graduate survey indicated that only 3% of students make it to their sophomore year, which just means sticking around after seeing what’s in his pants. Junior year numbers are even worse.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Just the Tip College of Jeff Tanner’s Penis.
WHY NOT: This college makes our “best value” list for colleges and universities not to send your kid. With a 100% acceptance rate, this higher ed institution over delivers on its promise to give students just the tip as they soon find they can receive the whole penis at no additional cost.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: The Jeffrey A. Tanner University of Get in My Van.
WHY NOT: Also known as JTUGMV, it is not to be confused with Jeff Tanner’s College of Learning, His Van Campus (above). In this one, he includes his middle initial and it’s way more direct.
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: Penis Brothers Institute of Technology.
WHY NOT: Founded by the Penis brothers, Chad, Skip, and Jeff Tanner, the technology programs include “Turn on the radio” and “Switch that to some porn.”
COLLEGE/UNIVERSITY: The University of Old Nasty Looking Balls.
WHY NOT: Also known as UONLB, this school was started by Jeff Tanner’s late grandfather. The university’s motto: “Cum here if you’re into that.”
With America racing to vaccinate citizens in record numbers, news agencies and health officials have begun to warn us that we better hurry because a slew of “variants” could cause a new Covid surge.
You may have heard of the South African strain and the Brazilian variant. Now the Intergalactic Business Report gives you the other ones coming your way. Beware of:
The Alabama variant:
HOW YOU CATCH IT: Your cousin gives it to you. A lot.
The Florida variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your shirt dissolves and you get sucked into a sinkhole.
The Mafia variant:
SYMPTOMS: You wanna fugget about it but you can’t.
The Canadian variant:
SYMPTOMS: Your face develops a smug look and you can’t stop looking down on Americans. You also can’t stop talking about soaker tubs and your hockey equipment.
The White Claw variant:
SYMPTOMS: You feel like a total pussy but you keep exposing yourself to it anyway.
The German variant:
SYMPTOMS: You try to tell a joke, but nobody laughs because your joke is quoting an eighteenth-century philosopher and then staring at everyone till each of them turns away, uncomfortably.
Your mom variant:
SYMPTOMS: You gain a lot of weight and then have sex with random men.
HOW YOU CATCH IT: You make just enough money to finally let people know you’re a total douche but couldn’t buy anything to prove it before.
The recent Oprah Winfrey interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry has revealed inequities, unfairness, and financial cutoffs heaped upon the princely couple by the royal family.
While Meghan and Harry contend with life on their own ala “I’ve got you Babe,” if that song was about two lovers who had a zillion dollars but were still going to try to make it anyway, the Intergalactic Business Report focuses on another royal couple who left the throne but did not fare as well.
Like Harry and Meghan, Jeff Tonastur the Fourth Duke of Valdostaria and his bride, Sarah Murtz of New Jersey, abandoned the destitute nation of Valdostaria last year and left behind all their royal duties. As one of the poorest countries in the world, however, Valdostaria did not have much to give the couple, and when they left, they took less than that with them.
Below, we outline what the royal couple have as they begin their new life in America.
Thanksgiving comes and goes every year, but are we truly thankful? Like most Americans, you probably take this holiday for granted, even if you feel saintly for putting up with relatives or cooking a meal one time in your existence.
You may even take the time to consider why you’re grateful, but it’s usually just really unoriginal crap like your “family” and “having enough to eat” and “great friends…” But did you know there’s more to give thanks for than the insincere blather that comes out of your mouth hole on the last Thursday of November?
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report profiles what happens on our Thanksgiving in other countries around the world. This year, be thankful you’re not in any of these nations:
CANADA: “Smug, douchey, look down on Americans day.” The only 365 day a year holiday in the world.
WEST COMAN: “Can I see your nuts day.” Anyone can ask anyone to see his nuts. If you don’t, they get cut off.
LOWER ANTILLES ISLANDS: “Get into my music day.” Every November, one friend gets to force you to listen to his crappy music you hate but he can’t understand why and he has a day to convince you it’s good by explaining it to you as you sit through it and wait for midnight and the day to be over so you can reveal your knife and stab him, kind of like in the “Purge,” only it’s totally on your own and illegal.
BROMANI COAST: “Switch holes day.” This holiday is where people talk to your butthole and pretend it’s your mouth. It’s weird. And it gets really bad at dinner.
FLORIDA: “Florida Thanksgiving.” This is like our Thanksgiving only you get eaten by a sinkhole while eating Cheetos and nobody’s wearing a shirt.
UPPER VANDAYA: “Dude, try this day.” Anyone can hand you anything and you need to put it in your mouth.
PRINCIPALITY OF TYSEEN: “Too long handshake day.” Here, people shake hands but don’t let go for a really really long time. It gets super uncomfortable and just when you finish shaking one guy’s hand, another one shows up, extending his arm and looking like he’s trapped you or something, which he has.
EASTERN POTAY ISLAND: “Binge watch this show with me day.” Similar to “Get into my music day,” Eastern Potay Islanders can corner a friend and get him to watch up to 47 episodes of some crap show nobody but he is into. The worst part is that, even though he’s already seen every minute, he watches the whole thing again and stares at you the whole time to see your reaction to every stupid thing that happens. For the first few hours, you force yourself to laugh or say, “Damn!” or, “I didn’t see that coming,” but after a while you just start thinking of a way to murder your friend and leave his house and what you’ll say to the cops when they ask if you’ve seen him lately.
Every October someone says, “I love Halloween.” But does he really? A month later, the same guy is saying, “I love Christmas.” This year, the Intergalactic Business Report forces him to choose, and we open it up to every major holiday out there.
Which ones win? Which ones lose? We compare them all and reveal the winner.
Pros: Families come together to ignite hope and cheer. We celebrate the true meaning behind caring and goodness.
Cons: Devil worshippers are left out and many liquor stores are closed. Hallmark movies show no boobs or full penetration. Impossible to take a dump behind the Christmas tree without people commenting.
Pros: Easter egg hunts are fun.
Cons: Getting drunk is considered something an “alcoholic” would do, according to all your relatives. The weather is usually shitty. It’s hard to picture having sex with an Easter Bunny.
Pros: Provides a special day to recognize your romantic partner.
Cons: Still not possible to suck your own dick. Chocolate burns when you have sex with it.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Pros: National pride swells and fireworks abound.
Cons: It never makes your penis any bigger. Nobody is obligated to have sex with you.
NEW YEAR’S EVE:
Pros: You say goodbye to last year and look forward to the next as you sip champagne with friends.
Cons: You have to actually have friends and not be a recovering alcoholic.
Pros: Children have a night where they can make believe and dress up while they gather candy from kind neighbors.
Cons: Usually too dark for anyone to see your penis. Realistically, you can only fit three pieces of candy in your butt even though before Halloween you always think you can fit seven or eight. Contrary to what you believed, it’s not your one night to legally dress up like a cop and mete out justice.
FREE BOOZE AND MONEY DAY:
Pros: Money and alcohol are totally free and you can just take it.
Cons: Not a real holiday in the eyes of the government, banking system, or anyone who owns a store that sells liquor, beer, or wine.
WINNER: Free sex and money day. Call your Senator or something.
Halloween is a spooky time and this year we can ad COVID to our list of horrors. How will kids trick-or-treat? How will adults wear skanky costumes that support really bad stereotypes and make everyone regret that this holiday has become an outlet for their sexual frustration?
As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. Below we list the 9 best ideas for celebrating All Hallows’ Eve while still staying safely away from the dangers of the pandemic.
9 BEST COVID HALLOWEEN IDEAS:
1. BE CREATIVE IN HOW YOU DISTANCE.
Put a sign on your front door that says, “Registered Sex Offender Lives Here.” This is a sharp but subtle way to tell trick-or-treaters to keep their distance from you.
2. HAVE FUN AND CLEAN YOUR CANDY.
Take Halloween candy out of their wrappers and clean them with mouthwash or soap before placing them in a sterilized baggy. Zip them up and leave them out on your lawn for the trick-or-treaters to find.
3. DO A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADULT PARTY.
Hold an adult Halloween party where everyone wears leather masks with no breathing holes.
4. SEND CANDY FROM A DISTANCE.
Use a sling shot to safely deliver treats to children who approach your house.
5. BECOME “SCARY RALPH.”
Add to the kids’ Halloween experience by turning yourself into a scary character who stands on the front lawn in his underwear and coughs a lot.
6. TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR USUAL COSTUME.
Instead of dressing up like a kitty cat and saying things like, “Meo-ooowww,” just don’t.*
7. REVERSE TRICK-OR-TREAT.
Attach small bags of candy to rats and birds and let them deliver the treats throughout the neighborhood.
8. ADD A PHYSICAL ELEMENT TO THE NIGHT.
Distance the children by making them go one at a time up a ladder to your roof, where they must complete an obstacle course in order to get candy. Make it hard because kids need challenges.
9. OFFER COVID-HEALTHY TREATS.
Fill baggies with vitamin D pills and zinc tablets. Then use a sharpie to write “drugs” on the bags. This tells kids and parents that you hand out “drugs” to children (to keep them safe from COVID!).
*This has nothing to do with COVID. Just please stop doing this.
Brussels sprouts. Not “brussel sprouts.” Anyway… You want to know how to cook them? O.K. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you an exclusive look at the very best way to prepare sprouts that will leave you gasping for air because your mouth can’t stop saying, “These are the best brussels sprouts ever!” We walk you through the 49 steps needed to create perfection.
STEP ONE: FIND THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
These could literally be anywhere. Even in the wild, we assume.
STEP TWO: MAKE SURE THEY’RE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Brussels sprouts are green and kind of look like testicles, like if the Jolly Green Giant had nuts and these were them but smaller.
STEP THREE: JUST TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE, MAKE SURE AGAIN.
Check them. Do they look like balls? Are they green?
STEP FOUR: EXAMINE YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
You can do this by looking at them.
STEP FIVE: MAKE SURE NONE OF THEM FELL ON THE FLOOR OR ANYTHING.
Sometimes when you pick things up, you drop them. Did you drop any? Check the floor.
STEP SIX: IF SOME OF THEM DID FALL ON THE FLOOR, THEN PICK THEM UP.
STEP SEVEN: IF YOU HAD TO PICK SOME OF THEM UP THEN WASH THEM OFF.
STEP EIGHT: ON YOUR WAY TO WASH THEM OFF, DID YOU DROP THEM AGAIN?
STEP NINE: FIND A WATER SOURCE.
This could be almost anything, like a waterfall or a really large glass of water.
STEP TEN: IF YOU DON’T HAVE A WATER SOURCE, WAIT FOR RAIN.
Check the forecast. Put a bucket outside to collect the rain water.
STEP ELEVEN: PUT THE WATER IN A POT.
STEP TWELVE: HEAT THE WATER.
Most stoves have a knob that you turn to make the stove hot. Turn that knob.
STEP THIRTEEN: THROW SALT IN THERE?
That seems like something you would do.
STEP FOURTEEN: WAIT FOR THE WATER TO BOIL.
This can be tough because you want to eat the brussels sprouts—not wait for them to be cooked.
STEP FIFTEEN: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE WATER BOILS.
Probably don’t masturbate because you could burn yourself if you do it near the boiling water.
STEP SIXTEEN: DID YOU FORGET TO PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE WATER? OH… WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
STEP SEVENTEEN: PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE BOILING WATER.
STEP EIGHTEEN: LOOK FOR A “TIMING DEVICE.”
While you do this, count numbers in your head so that you know how many seconds the brussels sprouts have been boiling before you use a formal clock to time the boiling.
STEP NINETEEN: SET THE DEVICE FOR TEN MINUTES MINUS THE NUMBER YOU COUNTED IN YOUR HEAD.
STEP TWENTY: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS BOIL.
STEP TWENTY-ONE: DON’T MASTURBATE. (SEE ABOVE).
STEP TWENTY-TWO: STIR THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Do this with a spoon or something. Don’t use your fingers or face or hands.
STEP TWENTY-THREE: STIR THEM AGAIN.
STEP TWENTY-FOUR: STIR THEM AGAIN, WE GUESS.
STEP TWENTY-FIVE: TURN OFF THE STOVE WHEN YOUR TIMING DEVICE RINGS.
STEP-TWENTY-SIX: LOOK AT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Again, do this by looking at them.
STEP TWENTY-SEVEN: FIND A COLANDER TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
A colander is like a bowl with holes in it that you probably tried to eat soup out of at some point and were like, “Why the fuck did they put holes in this?” This is why.
STEP TWENTY-EIGHT: PUT THE COLANDER IN THE SINK.
STEP TWENTY-NINE: FIND AN OVEN MIT SO YOU WON’T BURN YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU GRAB THE POT TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP THIRTY: PUT THE OVEN MIT(S) ON YOUR HAND(S).
STEP THIRTY-ONE: WITH YOUR OVEN MITS ON, APPROACH THE STOVE.
STEP THIRTY-TWO: GRAB THE POT.
STEP THIRTY-THREE: CARRY THE POT TO THE SINK WHERE YOUR COLANDER IS.
STEP THIRTY-FOUR: SLOWLY POUR THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
Turn your wrists to do this. You’ll notice the pot tipping over. Don’t worry. As long as you don’t let go, the pot will stay in your hands.
STEP THIRTY-FIVE: FINISH POURING THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SIX: LOOK AT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS, JUST SITTING THERE, IN THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SEVEN: FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER TO PUT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN.
STEP THIRTY-EIGHT: YOU CAN’T FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER?
STEP THIRTY-NINE: THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. YOU COOKED ALL THESE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND NOW THEY’RE JUST SITTING THERE IN THE SINK.
STEP FORTY: LOOK AGAIN FOR A DISH OR CONTAINER.
STEP FORTY-ONE: SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T FIND ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-TWO: YOU FUCKING SUCK. EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO PUT FOOD INTO. HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-THREE: TAKE THE COLANDER FULL OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND THROW IT IN THE FUCKING GARBAGE.
STEP FORTY-FOUR: THINK ABOUT WHAT A TOTAL DICK YOU ARE AND HOW YOU DON’T DESERVE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP FORTY-FIVE: JESUS. DID YOU ACTUALLY THROW AWAY ALL THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS?
You could have just eaten them out of the colander or something.
STEP FORTY-SIX: IT WAS STUPID FOR US TO TRY TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THIS.
We regret it. It was an idea we had, but now it looks pretty apparent that you’re too fucking stupid to cook brussels sprouts.
STEP FORTY-SEVEN: FIND SOME SPAGHETTIOS. EAT THAT SHIT. TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.
STEP FORTY-EIGHT: THAT WAS MEAN. SORRY.
In retrospect, we kind of share blame for this. You for being so fucking stupid and us for believing you weren’t so fucking stupid and could handle this.
STEP FORTY-NINE: THAT WAS MEAN TOO.
It’s not your fault at all. You can’t help how fucking stupid you are.
Mascots. They delight us with their frolicking happiness and faux competitive spirit. But there is also a dark side as the Intergalactic Business Report learned when we went across the country to find the absolute worst mascots ever conceived of. Here they are:
The Hope State Lepers.
The Ansberry Tech Looters.
The Carmel College Big Brown Toilet Flush.
The Mohave High School Shit Pieces.
The Utah Frotteurists.
The Bellingham Community College Open Marriage That Seemed Like A Good Idea But Ended Up Hurting Everyone And Leading To A Messy Divorce.
The Virginia College of Optometry Van Drivers Who Offer Candy to Children.
The Martin Military Academy Deserters.
The Healthy Weight Institute Desserters.
The Orville State University Systemic Racists.
The Hornsbury College Beehive Fuckers.
The Fronteneau High School Will Suck Dick For Money.
The North Carolina Gifted Charter School Freak Squad.
The Upstate South Carolina Community College Old People Molesters.
The College of the Philippines Sex Traffickers.
Orlando Area School for the Arts Satanic Dildo Performers.
Throughout the global pandemic, it seems that every day just brings more and more bad news. New numbers. Alarming statistics. Stories of death and pain. Images of hospitals overrun and… You get it. Just turn on your t.v.
To counter this gloom, the Intergalactic Business Report set out to find some truly positive updates about Covid-19 and deliver it to our readers so they can once again feel the comfort of good news for a change. Here’s what we came up with:
1. If you’re reading this, you aren’t dead yet.
2. Twerking doesn’t seem to spread the virus.
3. That’s all we’ve got. Sorry.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.