Royally screwed. This couple left a royal family and their lives suck.

The recent Oprah Winfrey interview with Meghan Markle and Prince Harry has revealed inequities, unfairness, and financial cutoffs heaped upon the princely couple by the royal family. 
 
While Meghan and Harry contend with life on their own ala “I’ve got you Babe,” if that song was about two lovers who had a zillion dollars but were still going to try to make it anyway, the Intergalactic Business Report focuses on another royal couple who left the throne but did not fare as well.
 
Like Harry and Meghan, Jeff Tonastur the Fourth Duke of Valdostaria and his bride, Sarah Murtz of New Jersey, abandoned the destitute nation of Valdostaria last year and left behind all their royal duties. As one of the poorest countries in the world, however, Valdostaria did not have much to give the couple, and when they left, they took less than that with them.
 
Below, we outline what the royal couple have as they begin their new life in America. 
 

• Jeff was given the used crack pipe his father used to smoke crack with. He sold it for 45 cents to a crack smoker. The 45 cents has not been received yet.  

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• Sarah received “prostitute lessons” from her late grandmother-in-law, Queen Carla, before the split. The queen died while trying to show her how to do a “reverse bottle clog.”

• Jeff extracted a copper tooth from a royal advisor by telling him he saw something in his mouth, and could he have a look? Then he went for it and came up with 37 cents worth of metal. 

• A turd from the royal stallion was hurled at Jeff as he walked out of the palace. Several pieces of corn inside were worth .07 cents. They were pretty big pieces. And corn goes for a lot in Valdostaria. 

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• Sarah allowed a tattoo school student to etch a Biggie Smalls portrait around her vagina so that it looks like it’s his mouth, but it isn’t. It’s her vagina. 

• Jeff absconded with the royal gems, which are two skittles. He and Sarah ate them. So now the royal gems are gone. 

• The couple sold their story to “Hard Buttfuckers Magazine,” the only publication to offer them money.  

 

•  Sarah landed a deal with Netflix where she pays them $14.99 a month. Now she just needs internet. And a t.v. 

• Jeff took the “free hugs” business model and tried to up it to 4 cent hugs. Consumer response has been weak.

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