Probably the most important question coming from the global pandemic is whether or not Bigfoot and others will finally show their faces now that humans tricked them into thinking we all had left the planet.
As we sit back and hope for their sightings, we profile a list of the very best and worst crypto monsters out there.
BEST: Chupacabra. Creepy, reptilian dog creature that kills livestock.
WORST: Charo, reptilian Love Boat guest star who kills people’s sanity by making them question why she’s famous.
BEST: Mothman. West Virginia winged creature.
WORST: Mathman. Only person in West Virginia able to do basic algebra.
BEST: Loch Ness Monster. Scottish lake monster.
WORST: Loch Ness Hipster. Bearded dude who lives by the lake, wears a pork pie hat, and plays a ukulele.
BEST: Cadborosaurus. Sea serpent in the Pacific Northwest.
BEST: Bigfoot. Also known as Sasquatch. Hairy ape creature from North America.
WORST: Phil Ratuliak.
BEST: Kraken. Sea monster with massive tentacles.
WORST: Phil McCracken. Massive testicles. Something like that.
BEST: Mokele-mbembe. Dinosaur in Africa.
WORST: Dikembe Mutombo.
BEST: Beast of Bodmin Moor. Phantom wildcat in Cornwall, England.
WORST: Trisha Henson. 47-year-old cougar from Cornwall, Iowa. She appears at the Applebee’s bar, vanishes from your apartment the next morning, and then returns to your nightmares every night thereafter.
BEST: Mongolian Death Worm. Harmless myth that isn’t true.
WORST: People who claim the Mongolian Death Worm is a real thing.
BEST: Jersey Devil. Horse that walks on two legs.
WORST: Virtually anyone from New Jersey. Whether they walk on two legs or not.
BEST: Skunk Ape. Stinky humanoid from Florida.
WORST: Your college roommate. Stinky humanoid who was on the top bunk.
BEST: Piasa. Native American dragon bird.
WORST: Butterball. Immobile turkey from your fridge.
As part of our commitment to fairness and worldwide peace, the Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish Phillip Ratuliak’s letter to us. While we stand by our writing and claims about Mr. Ratuliak, we also respect his lame attempt to refute us.
Dear readers of the Intergalactic Business Report:
Maybe a year ago, a friend of mine told me that my name was mentioned in this publication. I’d never heard of it, so I looked it up, and found the article. I believe it was about how I supposedly had a museum in the bathroom of my house called “The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum.”
I dug deeper and found more articles, each more disturbing and inappropriate than the last. In one, it’s suggested that people name their penis after me. Another claims I am a creature from outer space. Their obsession even included naming a cocktail after me.
I want to make something clear to anyone who may be reading this. I do not know anyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. I have never met anyone there. I have absolutely no association with them whatsoever.
I did have a short phone call, in which I asked them if they would please stop using my name in their publication. I was directed to one of their editors who explained to me that the stories written about me had been done by writers from an alternative universe, who had come through a portal, written their articles, and then returned to their dimension.
The editor then asked if he could borrow money from me. I told him no. He suggested I could pay him for an “advertorial,” which would be a positive article about me. I told him I didn’t need that. I just wanted him to stop putting out nonsense about me and my life that wasn’t true. He muttered something about how I didn’t understand how expensive Taco Bell was. That was the extent of our conversation.
After threatening a lawsuit, I received notice from IBR that they would agree to publish my own words so that readers could hear from me. They also brought up the advertorial again. I found that to be a TOTALLY NORMAL idea and one that I WANTED BADLY. They said it would cost ten thousand dollars. Again, I made it clear to them that I would TOTALLY BE interested in some fake story about myself. I also found it COMPLETELY NORMAL to ask me for ten thousand dollars, which I would HAPPILY pay them.
The Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish this letter, in my own words, and to KEEP PUMPING OUT THOSE AWESOME stories bearing my name.
Thank you for reading,
The Intergalactic Business Report has named Phil Ratuliak the human being most like the Coronavirus. This pronouncement was not made lightly and we feel that while other candidates were worthy of being considered as nasty as the pandemic virus that is ruining the year 2020, Phil’s unique qualities distinguish him from others. Below we list the evidence.
1. Like the Coronavirus, Phil Ratuliak makes people afraid of being exposed to him.
2. If you touch Phil Ratuliak, you will feel okay about it for a day or so, but then you’ll realize how much you regret it for the next two weeks.
3. The Coronavirus started through unsafe wet markets in China. Phil Ratuliak started when Randy Ratuliak found Lucy Bonalli’s wet mark senior year in high school. Also extremely unsafe.
4. If you wear a mask you will be protected from Phil recognizing you in a mall and trying to get in your face to ask you questions like, “How you been?” and “So what have you been up to?”
5. While you hope that Phil will eventually just “die out” he seems to keep going and you have to accept that he’s going to be around for probably like a million years or something.
6. Phil Ratuliak can travel through ventilation systems, because he’s an HVAC repair guy.
7. Many people will attest that Phil Ratuliak is the worst thing that’s ever happened to our planet.
8. You may have come in contact with Phil and not even known it. His stank is on you. And you transfer it to every person you meet.
9. When Phil comes into your life you worry about how awful he is until summer and then you just kind of forget he was ever there.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.