 Columnist Ed Mountaineer has been looking for love in all the wrong places. Below, we list his very worst (or best?) efforts, in his own words:
-I try to impress a girl by dressing up like her dad, whose looks I model after extensive research and following him around a lot. When I show up on our second date, I surprise her with my new “look.” -Instead of going for ice cream after our date, I take “Trisha” to a place where small people beat you with churros and then you eat their food weapons afterwards. -As an unofficial, unhired school janitor, I enter a teachers’ lounge and ask Ms. Hadley on a date. She says something like, “fuck no” and I report her to the principal for using foul language. When the principal asks who I am, I ask him on a date. That actually goes pretty well. -I enter a platonic relationship with all the animals of nature. This means I am committed to them and them to me but with no penetration. This is what my lawyer makes me state, anyway. -Four years before my college graduation I take a pill that gives me the knowledge equivalent to an accounting degree. I decide not to go to college and am discriminated against for many years by accounting firms. Finally, I “date” the car owned by one of the accounting firm partners after he refuses to hire me. It is a secret relationship in which we have to sneak around and have sex with each other. Or, more accurately, it is the kind of relationship where I have to “sneak” into the accountant partner’s garage at night and have sex with his Subaru. The car doesn’t give a lot back. I do all the work, and this is one of many reasons the relationship ends. -I imagine that somewhere in the universe there is a “space girl” who is my soul match and is waiting for me. I pray for an alien invasion in which she shows up and is like, “come on, let’s get out of here before my friends murder you.” And I’m like, “It looks like you nuked the whole block.” And she’s like, “I’ll explain all the technology later.” And I’m like, “O.K.” -Instead of going through the trouble of establishing a “relationship” based on knowing someone else, I decide I will simply “date” everyone and in this way, you are my girlfriend. And boyfriend. -I have sex with a fortune teller. It costs me sixty dollars, but I feel like the part where she tells your future was free and the sex was what upped the price. -Penis. That’s the name I decided to have to help me date people. In this way, if you accept a date with me, you accept my penis. Unfortunately, no one would accept a date with me. -The perfect space girl (see above) turns out to be a dude. And he is from some kind of lizard race. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  One thing most of us have learned in the past decade is that psychology, and things like it, are hard. People have problems, and so do we, and sometimes in order to have relationships, we need to say things and words that have meanings we may not even understand. So, what do you do when someone says he’s depressed? We don’t know. But we can tell you what NOT to say. We tell you the very worst of that.
What NOT to say to someone who’s depressed. 1. “At least you’re financially secure, right? Right? Don’t tell me you’re having money problems too.” 2. “What’s that thing on your face? Cancer?” 3. “Hold up. I’m gonna ask AI what to say to you.” 4. “You need to get DRUNK, bro. We are gettin’ DRUNK. Let’s go, bro. Let’s get DRUNK.” 5. “Watch this gun. Imma be right back.” 6. “Maybe you need to take your butt plug out. You’re way too uptight. You don’t have a butt plug in? Then what the fuck is wrong with you?” 7. “Know what’s depressing? You.” 8. “You’re way past your life expectancy so you should savor every moment you have left.” 9. “Think you’re depressed now? Just wait till life really hits you with some shit. You need to toughen up or you’re not gonna make it, bro.” 10. “Want me to tickle you or something?” 11. “Here I go again on my own! Come on motherfucker. Sing it with me!” |
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