 The Intergalactic Business Report visited every conceivable city, neighborhood, and community to determine where, in America today, is the very best and worst place you can find yourself dwelling. From the West to East Coasts and everything in between, the results may surprise you. Our report on America’s best and worst places to live reveals that the “worst” list is significantly longer than the “best.” Does this tell us something about where the country is and where it may be going? Best places to live in America: 1. Your mom’s basement.* 2. Your rich uncle’s guest house. 3. A penthouse a sheik forgot to check out of. Worst places to live in America: 1. A mattress at a crack house. 2. A box under a bridge. 3. A portable toilet. 4. A self-made “troll hole” you dug on somebody’s property. 5. An empty porn set. 6. A janitor’s office (see “Rudy”) 7. An old Western movie set (see Charles Manson) 8. An abandoned Arby’s. 9. A Chevy Cavalier. 10. Your mom’s basement when she comes home drunk, again, and she’s with Randy…* 11. A field somewhere. 12. Carnie group housing. 13. Motel 6. 14. Underneath someone’s porch. 15. Hospital waiting room. 16. Dressing room at Big Lots. 17. A cave with a lot of graffiti inside, making you wonder when the guy who wrote “Murder Club” is going to return and kill you. 18. The place the Unibomber used to live. *Note that this is both in the best and worst categories, with the main difference being your mom’s state of being (drunk or not) and whether she’s back together with Randy.  Bar room threats. They happen when someone’s had enough of drinking and wants to get to fighting. But in order to reach the bliss of swinging your drunk arms in the parking lot at another guy’s drunk face, you need to say something to set everything in motion. The Intergalactic Business Report has used its proprietary computer and linguistics system to offer you the very best and worst ways to ignite an alcohol-induced battle. Best: 1. “You got a looking problem?” The power behind this query is that the subject isn’t sure what, exactly, a looking problem is. Are you saying he’s cross-eyed or are you suggesting he’s got a problem looking at you? No matter, you’re fighting now. 2. “What are you looking at?” Similiar to number one, this line entices your future sloppy fighting opponent to respond with “not much,” “your ugly face,” or almost an endless array of low-grade insults that will kick off a slow-paced wrestling/pushing/feel up session out back. And, bonus, if he says “nothing” then you can easily escalate by saying, “What? You think I’m nothing?” This is the check-mate of bar room fight provocations. 3. “What did you say to me?” Feel free to substitute, “what did you call me?” This quickly puts you at an advantage over your opponent, because, like number two, he must decide whether to say a snarky insult or simply go with the lame, “uh, nothing?” Worst: 1. “I don’t know whether to fuck you or fight you.” Well, make up your mind. It’s almost last call. 2. “I came here to drink beer and kick ass, and I’m all out of beer.” No you aren’t. You’re in a bar, so… 3. “I oughta murderize you!” This may actually be in the wrong column. Anyone who ever says this preceding a bar fight is officially the new king of bar fights. |
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