Charities. You give them money so you don’t have to do anything yourself except give money and then you wonder if they’re even doing anything with the money you gave them so you wait for a letter or phone call to tell you what they’re doing only they just call to see if you’ll give them more and you do because you don’t want to do anything yourself and so on…
Today, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals the world’s best and worst among them so you can act informed as you blithely donate, wait, and masturbate.
BEST: Heifer International. “Working to end hunger and poverty around the world by providing livestock and training to struggling communities.”
WORST: Greek farmers’ Dating Association. Tinder style matching between livestock and Greek farmers.
BEST: United Way. “Fights for the health, education, and financial stability of every person in every community.”
WORST: Mr. Frenner’s Way. Junior high Vice-Principal Gerald Frenner has some pretty strict rules for how things should be done. Now you can subsidize his income as he punishes students who misuse chewing gum and ask to use the bathroom but are really going there to vape only to find Mr. Frenner in the next stall, waiting to bust them.
BEST: World Wildlife Fund (WWF). “The leading organization in wildlife conservation and endangered species.”
WORST: World Wrestling Federation (WWF).
BEST: Sierra Club. “Explore, enjoy, and protect the planet.”
WORST: I Give Up Club. “Saying, fuck this, it’s too hard, and just getting on with your life.”
BEST: Ducks Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages wetlands and associated habitats for North America's waterfowl.”
WORST: Chupacabras Unlimited. “Conserves, restores, and manages habitats for North America’s Chupacabras.”
BEST: Future Farmers of America. “Preparing members for leadership and careers in the science, business and technology of agriculture.”
WORST: Future Pork Pullers of America. A charity focused on group masturbation somehow bringing about world peace, which it would, if everyone jacked off at exactly the same time, making it very difficult to hold weapons or chase people.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.