 As Hallmark and Netflix flood your t.v. with Christmas movies, it may be time to slow down, relax, and enjoy the holiday that comes just before the month of Yuletide cheer. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you what we consider the very best Thanksgiving movies you’ve never heard of. Discover the joy of these uplifting Turkey Day movies. We list them all below:
Turkey! In this psychological thriller, one-legged Theodore “Turkey” Allison believes he is an actual turkey and attributes his limb loss to having once been served at a Thanksgiving dinner. “Dey took mah drumstick,” he tells random people as he hobbles after them in New York City. Redonia Stenningsworth, an uptight former model turned psychologist, lives in a building near Theodore’s group home and notices him one day. She convinces him to move to New Guinea, in search of cannibals who will truly believe his story and eat the rest of him. Fake friends Thanksgiving. Haughty Lisa Templeton can’t stand her fake friend, Brittney Stales. When both their Thanksgiving plans fall through Brittney suggests they spend it together. Lisa, against her better judgment, accepts. Will she be able to “fake it” through an entire meal or will she reveal her true feelings about shitty, fake Brittney? Tensions rise as the two sit, eat, and try to have conversations. Will it be time to get real? Or will this just be another fake-ass meal? Trapped on Thanksgiving. On their annual Thanksgiving spelunking expedition, a group of twenty-somethings get trapped in a cave when one of them accidentally speaks too loudly and causes an interior avalanche. When “innerdwellers” a tribe of cannibalistic mutants who are descended from inbred West Virginia miners begin to attack them, a horrifying secret is learned—that the “innerdwellers” are actually just regular people from West Virginia. Two Bites. “Two bite” Chuck got his nickname from being able to eat anything in two bites. When he’s challenged by a local radio station to eat a Turkey that way, he immediately accepts. If he wins, he gets a new truck. If he loses, the radio crew gets to desecrate his body for charity. Chuck’s zany buddy (and non-rent-paying roommate) Fred points out to Chuck that he may be in trouble because his entire diet consists of smallish brownies, some of which Chuck can eat in one bite. Unfortunately, Chuck signed the contract with WKLN and now the challenge is on. A tender look at friendship and how one bite can sometimes be enough, “Two Bites” is a meditation on whether stepping up to a challenge can also get you killed. An Eskimo Thanksgiving. Unushi Caring Eagle is an innuit eskimo who falls in love with rough and tumble Jack Berghoff when she has a drunken weekend in Anchorage. When Jack wakes up in an igloo near the arctic circle with no arms and legs, she has to care for him for the rest of his life or he will freeze to death. It's also Thanksgiving. A touching love story about devotion and redemption, An Eskimo Thanksgiving explores themes of loving someone so much, you’re willing to drug them and put them on a sled and drive them with a snow machine to the arctic circle. And then dismember them so that they can never escape, but why would they want to? Big Faloozoo’s Thanksgiving. A cartoon adventure for the children, fuzzy loveable Turkey Faloozoo is pretty upset with some of the neighborhood adults who want to eat him. So he enlists their kids to turn the tables and hunt all the grownups in the area with the exception of “Hippie” Steve, who’s vegan. As the hunt progresses and the hours and weeks pass, the original intent of the hunt becomes blurred and Steve is executed for reasons none of them can even remember. A somber look at adult/child relationships, Big Faloozoo’s Thanksgiving is one part Lord of the Flies and one part Polar Express, only without the train or Christmas or a message or snow or Tom Hanks. Also, Big Faloozoo turns out to be a vulture who just looked like a Turkey, so the children murder him too, teaching them and you that nobody’s safe from judgment so maybe don’t judge.  Jimmy "I ate too much arugula" Fenneman. If your nickname isn’t in “quotes” then it isn’t really a nickname, is it? This week, the Intergalactic Business Report scours the world for the very worst quotation nicknames. Because this is a global project, some of the nicknames may be culturally hard to understand, but only if you’re racist or whatever.
Worst quotation nicknames (not in order of shittiness): Bango “I stuff mittens in mouth to stop the rain” Bahongro. Jeff “My belly button launches a fart” Martens. Felix “Nipple Face” Orangestead. Chip “I believe this penis belongs to you” Farenstein. Semarit “Son of Banana Soup” Hakarastaki. Fenerian “PFFFFFFFT” Francis. Jimmy “Little bit involved with the Mafia, like I know some guys, but I’m not ‘made’ or nothing” Lutelli. Big “Dick in relative terms, depending on what you consider big” Herman. Larry “I got stuck inside my mom’s car again, can someone let me out” Turlen. Cynthia “Whoops I’m your sister,” Bergano. Brendan “can I get your mom’s number” Jamison. |
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