This week, we reveal our best and worst resolutions for the new year:
BEST: I’m going to try to eat well and lose weight this year.
WORST: I’m going to try to win a “largest goiter” contest in Eastern Europe this summer and finally unseat Angelico Urobowic.
BEST:I’m going to open my heart and see if love finds me this year.
WORST: I’m going to open my butt and see if farts come out this year.
BEST: This year, I’m going to focus on my career and get a promotion and a pay raise.
WORST: This year, I’m going to tattoo the face of a successful person over my own face.
BEST: This will be the year of self-esteem and new confidence for me.
WORST: This will be the year I stop being such a worthless pussy and do something other than jack off and eat candy. Oh fuck it. Where’s the lube and Snickers bars?
BEST: I vow to live in the moment and be truly present this year.
WORST: I vow to remember to what?
BEST: This year I will save money and cut unneeded expenses from my budget.
WORST: This year I will invest in premium lap dances and establish a monopoly on them.
BEST: I will start my own business and live my dreams.
WORST: I will fart my own something something and something else.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.