Best new manifestation techniques to get everything you’ve ever wanted from the universe.

Manifestation works. Here’s the proof. By Ed Mountaineer.
 
A few years ago, I heard the term “manifestation” and thought it was about termites getting in your house. Fuck that, I thought. Then I started seeing people on social media claim they could control the universe by doing it. I tried letting bugs inside my house but that’s harder than you’d think. It’s not like you can just invite them in. They aren’t good at communication. 
 
In case you don’t know me, I’ve always had a deep desire to control everything in the universe, including (let’s be honest, especially) people. I feel like I would be a better at making them do stuff than whatever controls them currently. I don’t know. It’s always just been a feeling. So whatever manifestation was, I was going to learn it, lock in, and use it to take over human bodies and lives and also do good I guess?
 
Smartly, I stared into my phone and decided to spend hours watching videos and memes about how manifestation can give you anything you want—including sex? That’s a question to the universe that’s not really a part of this article. 
 
Anyway, what I discovered was that the universe always says “yes.” Oh, and the universe is like everything in the... universe?. It’s super complicated. But whatever it is, you just ask it for things, and it gives them to you no matter what. Pretty cool.
 
At first, I was like, “give me money.” Or make that guy over there fall down and lose his pants in a really funny way so I can film it and post it and maybe get like a million likes and have people think I have the best content and ask, “how does he get this stuff?” And then I’d be saying to myself, super quietly, “because the universe does whatever I tell it.” But none of that worked. Money never appeared. The guy didn’t fall. His pants stayed on. I have like three followers. 
 
Then I went further. I watched even more videos, and spent even more hours watching super happy people talk about how they could control the universe with their thoughts. I started hearing that it was HOW you asked the universe for things that mattered most. Apparently, the universe has trouble understanding your desires if you don’t say things right. 
 
I was saying, “I wish for this” or “gimme that.” Apparently, that doesn’t work. The universe grants you wishes if you pretend whatever you want is happening already. So, instead of saying, “I wish I had money,” you say, “I have money.” And then you just keep saying it again and again in the present tense and it appears? I don’t know if it works with money yet, because I’ve been concentrating on other things first. And awesome news. It works. And it can work for you too. Start by doing what I did (and say every day) below. I’m telling you, I did this and it became reality. You don’t have to take my word for it. Just say the phrases below and be rewarded by the universe.
 

1. I am… taking my dick out of my pants. Right now. 
2. I am… Jerking off. Right now.
3. I am… Jerking off. Right now. And staring at myself in the mirror.
4. I am… Jerking off. Right now. And calling you.
5. I am… Jerking off. Right now… and talking to you on my phone. 
6. I am… Jerking off. Right now. And putting my phone up to my penis so you are now talking to that and not me. 
7. I am…leaving my apartment with my pants around my ankles.
8. I am…entering a public area where there are lots of people.
9. I am…being arrested by the cops.

 
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.

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