 You’ve heard “if it bleeds, it leads,” as an explanation for why news appeals to our lizard minds in a way no movie jump scare can match. Sometimes it seems the only good news reported is about a cat circus or an old lady who hasn’t died yet and makes crafts for neighborhood kids. As we long for comfort and safety in a world of tragedy and pain, the news continues to beat us down.
Instead of offering the comfort you need, the Intergalactic Business Report faces reality and releases a list of the most negative headlines it could generate. What doesn’t matter are the actual stories because no one reads those anyway. Below is everything you need to know as you succumb to total depression. The most negative headlines we could generate. The U.S. has too many dogs. Owners to start killing them Friday. Orange juice is over. Report: Penis lengths shortening. Everyone will be “Chinese” by 2034. Expert: AI formally reached out to the U.S. government with terms for our surrender. Babies slowly killing us. Not a bug bite: itchy skin reveals you may be dying. Sleepless nights? Could be brain parasites. Study: In 100 years, all memories of you will be gone. Will your social media determine your afterlife? Top priests issue dire warning. Government report: water supply dominated by unfiltered poop. Scary man under bed is real. Run. Nope, he’s got your leg. Scientists: purpose of sleep may simply be for parasites to recharge in your brain. Your mom is not who you think she is. Family dog conspiracy to kill human companions. Why you are next. Science: Happiness is fake. Misery is real. “Real Life” Freddy Kruger can enter your dreams.  The science behind pick up lines has changed dramatically in recent years, as seducers and seductresses must up their games to compete with ever slicker competition from talented F-boys, people so hot they don’t need lines, and AI. Turns out, manipulation tactics like “negging,” finding faults, and criticizing your intended is much more effective than talking about getting lost in her eyes. Accordingly, the Intergalactic Business Report offers our creepiest readers several devastating incantations that will win over any low self-esteem romantic target.
Pick up lines that might work because they’re insulting and some people are into that. -You’re a twenty wrapped in a one-dollar bill. -Are you wearing space pants? Because your ass is so huge its gravitational pull is sucking me in. -My grandfather told me ugly women make better lovers. So you must be a total whore. -You must be sent from heaven because you look like you’re dead. -My mother told me to say my prayers, and I prayed for a nasty, loose, whore to appear before me. I guess two out of three isn’t bad. -Your outfit would look better on my grandmother’s basement floor. -You look like you escaped from the prison in my mind where I keep beautiful women against their will. -'Scuse me while I make room for you in my spank bank. (Fart noise). Ok. Come on in. -If they redid the movie “Pretty Woman” starring you, they’d just call it “Woman.”  Slavery was bad--really bad—and that’s why the United Nations issued a resolution to name the transatlantic slave trade as the number one worst crime against humanity. While it’s not hard to agree with this declaration, some questioned why other atrocities weren’t ranked higher or didn’t even make the list.
We expect the UN will have annual awards in the future so that other atrocities can be considered and improve their positions based on cultural trends and updates to historical contexts. In the meanwhile, we take a look at this year’s winners as well as also rans. Worst crime against humanity final rankings (2026) 1. Transatlantic slave trade. Congratulations. You earned it. 2. The Holocaust. Perennial contender "the Holocaust" did not win, but considering this year's strong competition, it’s an honor just to be nominated. 3. The Killing fields. Pol Pot would be proud he had a top five finish and if the award were based on sheer speed of atrocity, he would have certainly finished higher. 4. The Great Terror. Stalin’s purges and forced famines killed and imprisoned a bunch, but they just didn’t have the gravitas of other crimes against humanity. 5. The Mongol Horde. Critics of the final rankings contend that Genghis Khan would have won if he had committed his atrocities closer to present time, but the fact that he’s still remembered is a testament to his staying power as an atrocity committer. (Many ghosts from the “horde” are surely saying, “Give us some credit too, 'cause we did most of the work.” Noted, barbarian killers. Noted). 6. Native American displacement and genocide. Smallpox infected blankets and broken deals that diminished and killed native populations over hundreds of years was a powerful entry into this year’s atrocity awards. Winning, however, was merely a pipe dream. 7. The Cultural Revolution. Nice try, Mao, but your sorry attempt to kill and destroy an entire culture only came in seven on the UN list. Maybe try harder next time! Oops. You’re already dead, so we guess not! 8. The Great Leap Forward. The ironic title wins points for doing the opposite of what it proclaims, and the amount of death and suffering is great enough to solidify its place on this list. But it’s just not the holocaust or the transatlantic slave trade, is it? 9. Bataan Death March. Marching a bunch of people to their death was one of the most original atrocities considered this year, but the sheer number of victims makes this one a bottom lister. 10. The Firebombing of Dresden. Like the death march, the scope of this mass killing only involved one metro area (and nowhere near the carnage of atrocity list hopefuls Hiroshima and Nagasaki) but it did inspire the literary masterpiece “Slaughterhouse 5.” So there’s that. What didn’t make the list: 1. Your refusal to appropriately punish your son, Nicholas, after he clearly mocked and made fun of his brother on a 2014 road trip. This one was brutal, especially if you consider Jeremy’s position as a mercilessly teased sibling whose only hope for justice was you. Still, it’s not as bad as the slave trade or any of the other contenders for this year. Sorry, little man. 2. Chris Pratt voicing Mario in the Super Mario Brothers Movie. 3. Whatever you call what you were doing at prom. What the fuck were you doing? We have no words. 4. The Nacho Cheese Doritos Loco Taco at Taco Bell. We believe this one was overlooked unjustly and feel strongly it should replace either the Mongol Horde or the Death March. 5. The Super Bowl Shuffle. 6. White Castle Crave Cases. 7. Your mom when she wore that dress two sizes too small to the grocery store. Although Kroger patrons may disagree, this one doesn’t quite make the cut on a global level. 8. (Tie) Tom Hanks in “Polar Express.” 8. (Tie) Tom Hanks in “Bosum Buddies.” 10. Michael Jackson leaving Corey Feldman to die on 9/11. Perhaps the most underappreciated crime against humanity in which Feldman was almost lost to the world.  Since the inception of Bravo’s Southern Charm, many viewers have asked the same question: What would Austen Kroll have been like as a spy in the second world war? Would he have been the best agent of espionage? Or the worst? We give you our honest assessment.
In a recent episode of Southern Charm, Austen is told by Craig Conover that Craig and secret girlfriend Charley Manley (no relation to Dexter Manley) kissed. Austen looks surprised and then almost immediately tells Salley Carson that Craig and Charley have been “making out” and did she know? This ignites conflict between Salley and Charley, because Salley used to like Craig even though she now like Austen, and Salley was afraid to mention the details of her relationship with Craig because Salley is mentally deranged about the subject. Women, right? At any rate, this is not the first time Austen has taken sensitive information and shared it at the first opportunity. Even earlier in the season, when Craig described Salley as “chaos” and a “tornado,” Austen relayed this to Salley as soon as he could when he usurped Craig’s plan to crash a female slumber party and made it his own (we’re not even going to waste the time to explain that, even though we sort of just did). This brings us to the question we (at the behest of millions of viewers) initially posed: how would Austen Kroll fare as a World War Two spy (presumably for the Americans). We answer this below: What would happen if Austen Kroll were a World War Two spy? WWII SITUATION: When told by Fritz, Austen’s Berlin contact, where the Fuhrer would be at exactly 12:30 p.m. on the following Tuesday, Austen tells Joseph Goebbels, who’s at a bar with him, that Fritz was “talking all kinds of shit about Adolf and was telling me all about how he was going to be alone in his office in the Reichstag Tuesday. Like what was that all about?” RESULT: Hitler lives. Fritz dies. Austen blames Fritz for being selfish, saying, “There are two Fritz’s. One is Fritz. And the other is Fritzy. Fritzy just got himself killed.” WW II SITUATION: Austen tries to make out with Eva Braun after hanging with her as his new best friend for three weeks. She’s into it but Austen can’t help himself and tells Hermann Goering and Leni Riefenstahl about it when they’re at an antisemitic costume party. Leni is like, “What? Come on, Austen. What happened between you and Eva?” And Goering is like, “Come on, man. What happened?” Austen gives them a sheepish look and then finally says: “All right, all right. We kissed, O.K.?” And Goering is like, “But Adolf’s your best friend, bro.” And Austen is all: “I know. I know. It just happened.” RESULT: Hitler finds out and invades a neutral country out of sheer anger. He hesitates to kill Austen because “for some reason, I just can’t kill this guy,” and also there’s a warped sense that at least Austen tells him the truth. Eva is murdered though. WWII SITUATION: Heinrich Himmler admits to Austen that he thinks Hitler is “whack.” Austen laughs and agrees, but the next day, during a seafood and schnitzel lunch with Hitler, Austen tells him what was said. Hitler is like, “What? He said that?” and Austen just nods until a waiter comes by and he tells him that he’s “gonna do the schnitzel bites and the Herring.” Hitler’s pissed and he says that Himmler’s always been “kind of a bitch like that” and Austen nods, knowingly, because he’s told him that like a thousand times. RESULT: Himmler gets killed and the SS is in disarray. This also sets off a series of hangings for other inner circle members who may also think Hitler is whack, including Goering and Albert Speer who Hitler now thinks is designing “Germania” ironically, because Austen rolled his eyes when Hitler asked, “What do you think of Albert’s plans for Berlin?” CONCLUSION: If Austen Kroll were a second world war spy, he would have almost certainly ended the war early by eliminating leadership and stoking paranoia and fear at the upper echelons of the Nazi hierarchy. Yes, there would be some collateral damage (like Fritz), but Kroll should be awarded our nation’s highest honor for valor against an enemy during a made-up scenario. We salute him for his bravery. Best exercise program? Unstable Jeff did 50 burpees a day for thirty days and here’s what happened.12/9/2025  Hi. I’m Jeff, and I’ll admit it. I used to think a “burpee” was either something you did to a baby or what happened after you drank too many beers. Hahahahahaha. Laugh! It’s fucking funny!
Anyway, I was looking for a new exercise regimen, and I kept hearing that to get a full body workout, you need to do stuff where your whole body is involved. Makes sense, right? Repeat that to me, motherfucker! So, I found an exercise called “burpees” where you just stand there and then suddenly squat, do a push up, and get up and then keep doing that. I did this fifty times a day for an entire month, and here’s what happened. What happened to Unstable Jeff after doing 50 burpees a day for a month: -I threw up on myself and others (who were near me at the bus stop). -It was difficult to control my dick until I started wearing underwear for the workout. -It helps if you grunt or say “UUUUUNNGHHHHHHH!” every time you do one. -Doing burpees at a bus stop is often misdiagnosed as “exhibiting mental illness.” -Following people home who stared at you when you were doing burpees at a bus stop and then doing burpees in front of their homes like, yeah I’ll do a fucking burpee on your lawn motherfucker, is often mischaracterized as “disturbing” or “threatening.” -“Burpee” is Indian for “Michael” or “Dave.” -Every time I do one, I gain a previously unclaimed soul for my mayonnaise jar. -If you rap, you could rhyme it with “slurpee.” You’re welcome. -I’m done doing burpees now. Goodbye. Unstable Jeff is a guy whose last name doesn’t really matter as much as the adjective he has in front of his first name. You get it. Any comments or contact requests may be made at [email protected].  As Bravo’s Real Housewives of Salt Lake City nears its season end, “friend of the housewives” Britani Bateman revealed that being harassed for hours on a flight by Meredith Marks was “literally, like, the sixth worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.”
In our continuing coverage of what might be the most important show about women who may have soaked in college, the Intergalactic Business Report went further than we were comfortable by investigating just what the top six worst things were that befell Britani. As we probed deeper and deeper without moving our bodies, we found ourselves asking the same question again and again:“What was the former number six ranked thing that was displaced by the Meredith airplane assault?” Because, in a way, Meredith did Britani a favor by making another traumatic experience slightly less traumatic, right? Top six worst things that ever happened to Britani Bateman (plus the new number seven worst thing):
 If you can only make one first impression, your name can too. Or something like that. In an extensive survey spanning forty-six countries and including close to seventy-thousand participants* the Intergalactic Business Report asked women which male names were least attractive. While we assumed “Jugdish” would be right up there, this name never even placed in the conversation. Below, we tell you what did:
The top ten least attractive male names, according to women.
*"Close" is a subjective term and in this case ranges from 0 to the number expressed above.  Office parlance allows for a million clichés, most of them innocuous and overlooked. But when you convey negativity, even subtly, you're giving off vibes that may cause co-workers and bosses to see you as not ready for promotion.
We took the 13 most common phrases used at work and tell you why they may be affecting your reputation. “That’s not my job.” Lack of ownership. “I’ll do my best.” Hidden uncertainty. “That’s not fair.” Professional immaturity. “I’ll bet you can’t fit THAT in my butt.” Unclear request. Call out a specific object or appendage. “I need more vacation time.” Lack of interest in your job. “I’m overwhelmed.” Weakness in accomplishing multiple tasks. “How about taking that and seeing if it will fit in my butt?” Uncertainty about your butt capacity. “Thank god it’s Friday.” Lack of enthusiasm for the workplace. “I’m hard for this meeting.” Good enthusiasm, bad for sexual harassment. “If we implement this idea, I want to be first in line at its gangbang.” Unwillingness to share. “I have no room left in my butt for that idea.” Lack of room for new ideas. “Nice snatches, everyone.” Ignoring male employees’ penises. “I just shit in Dora’s filing cabinet.” Dora doesn’t have a filing cabinet.  Betting on rickshaw racing is illegal. Financial experts warn about “hidden costs” that underly our daily spending. A cup of Starbucks per day can cost you thousands a year and carryout food will drain your savings. But what about the other spending habits you have—the ones we all consider imperative to survival and happiness?
The Intergalactic Business Report goes behind your money wall to reveal the seemingly commonsense expenses that could cost you tens of thousands (or more) over your lifetime, year, or week. The dumbest things you spend your money on each year (and how much they cost). Weekend trips at pricey hotels and resorts. Weekend trips seem easy and cheap because we tell ourselves we can’t spend too much money over a few days. That’s true—to an extent. The average getaway to Las Vegas could run around two thousand dollars, not including gambling. Take a couple trips like this in a year, and things begin to add up. COST PER YEAR: $10,000. Teaching prostitutes to read. What started as a charitable act in which you paid a lady of the night for her time and spent it teaching her to be literate, has grown into a weekly event costing you hundreds. What’s worse is that you're beginning to wonder if these women actually can read and are just faking it for your cash. COST PER YEAR: $14,500. Buying collector watches and putting them in your butt. It seems harmless. Buy a couple really nice time pieces that will increase in value, and that you can pass on to your grandkids. Then take them and shove them into your butt. What you don’t know is that at least 40% of watches that go inside someone’s butt either never return or are damaged by other things in your butt and are unusable afterwards. To make matters worse, watch collectors and dealers say they don’t want to buy watches that have been in other people’s butts. COST PER YEAR: $60,000. Betting on illegal rickshaw races is both against the law and hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it-but-it’s-gotta-be-racist. It’s also costing you upwards of $75k a year. COST PER YEAR: $75,000. Paying your “friend” to genetically engineer squirrels to steal things and spy on people. We’ve all done this one, at least once, and it can become one of the most costly expenses of our lives. Dr. Finneas Randall, who moved in next door about a year ago, seems like a very smart man, and he brings you gifts, like a trained spider that finds and brings you cigarettes people haven’t smoked all the way. But you have to wonder if 1.) he is an actual doctor, and 2.) if he’s actually “genetically engineering” those squirrels or just putting them in cages and pretending he did something to them. Either way, you’re out a hundred and fifty grand and the squirrel spies have brought you intel anyone could have and they stole twenty bucks from a homeless man, which is, yup, it’s monopoly money. COST PER YEAR: $150,000. Multiple penis strength coaches. Most of us have one penis strength coach, but the temptation is always there to hire multiple experts to build your dick into a champion. Do you really need a team of coaches for one penis? Stick with one to get the job done (unless you want to keep shelling out $187,000 a year). COST PER YEAR: $187,000. Hiring professional actors to recreate scenes from Goodfellas and Casino where you’re Joe Pesci. Yes, this is totally worth it the first time you do it. And yes, as soon as you do it once, you feel like doing it again, kind of like hitting a crack pipe. But hiring, and sometimes housing, an entire acting troupe so that you can “be” a fictional (?) Joe Pesci character is so costly that it breaks the bank. Instead of pricey actors, try getting non-paid friends to play along or simply find confrontational situations in which you can threaten people at grocery stores and car washes. COST PER YEAR: $483,000. TOTAL COST PER YEAR: $979,000*. * How much money do you make, anyway? Jesus. Like what do you spend on food and stuff? Are you rich? If so, we guess this stuff is all fine because, why not? Do you want to hang sometime? In Vegas or something? You sound really interesting. Let us know.  Painting (or whatever this guy is doing) didn't make either category. Collecting baseball cards was fun when you were ten, but now that you’re older, it definitely isn’t going to get you girls. As men age, a bright and critical light shines on them—by women deciding whether you are good enough to mate with. Does that sound cold, clinical, and maybe even a bit ruthless? Don’t take our word for it*.
We asked heterosexual women what male hobbies turn them on and off most. The results? Many common side passions are red flags while more unusual pursuits are panty droppers. If you’re a regular guy who wants to up his game, take notice of what you do for fun and whether it’s making her hot or making you not. We list the most and the least below: Most attractive male hobbies, according to women:
Least attractive male hobbies, according to women:
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