Thanksgiving comes and goes every year, but are we truly thankful? Like most Americans, you probably take this holiday for granted, even if you feel saintly for putting up with relatives or cooking a meal one time in your existence.
You may even take the time to consider why you’re grateful, but it’s usually just really unoriginal crap like your “family” and “having enough to eat” and “great friends…” But did you know there’s more to give thanks for than the insincere blather that comes out of your mouth hole on the last Thursday of November?
This week, the Intergalactic Business Report profiles what happens on our Thanksgiving in other countries around the world. This year, be thankful you’re not in any of these nations:
CANADA: “Smug, douchey, look down on Americans day.” The only 365 day a year holiday in the world.
WEST COMAN: “Can I see your nuts day.” Anyone can ask anyone to see his nuts. If you don’t, they get cut off.
LOWER ANTILLES ISLANDS: “Get into my music day.” Every November, one friend gets to force you to listen to his crappy music you hate but he can’t understand why and he has a day to convince you it’s good by explaining it to you as you sit through it and wait for midnight and the day to be over so you can reveal your knife and stab him, kind of like in the “Purge,” only it’s totally on your own and illegal.
BROMANI COAST: “Switch holes day.” This holiday is where people talk to your butthole and pretend it’s your mouth. It’s weird. And it gets really bad at dinner.
FLORIDA: “Florida Thanksgiving.” This is like our Thanksgiving only you get eaten by a sinkhole while eating Cheetos and nobody’s wearing a shirt.
UPPER VANDAYA: “Dude, try this day.” Anyone can hand you anything and you need to put it in your mouth.
PRINCIPALITY OF TYSEEN: “Too long handshake day.” Here, people shake hands but don’t let go for a really really long time. It gets super uncomfortable and just when you finish shaking one guy’s hand, another one shows up, extending his arm and looking like he’s trapped you or something, which he has.
EASTERN POTAY ISLAND: “Binge watch this show with me day.” Similar to “Get into my music day,” Eastern Potay Islanders can corner a friend and get him to watch up to 47 episodes of some crap show nobody but he is into. The worst part is that, even though he’s already seen every minute, he watches the whole thing again and stares at you the whole time to see your reaction to every stupid thing that happens. For the first few hours, you force yourself to laugh or say, “Damn!” or, “I didn’t see that coming,” but after a while you just start thinking of a way to murder your friend and leave his house and what you’ll say to the cops when they ask if you’ve seen him lately.
Every October someone says, “I love Halloween.” But does he really? A month later, the same guy is saying, “I love Christmas.” This year, the Intergalactic Business Report forces him to choose, and we open it up to every major holiday out there.
Which ones win? Which ones lose? We compare them all and reveal the winner.
Pros: Families come together to ignite hope and cheer. We celebrate the true meaning behind caring and goodness.
Cons: Devil worshippers are left out and many liquor stores are closed. Hallmark movies show no boobs or full penetration. Impossible to take a dump behind the Christmas tree without people commenting.
Pros: Easter egg hunts are fun.
Cons: Getting drunk is considered something an “alcoholic” would do, according to all your relatives. The weather is usually shitty. It’s hard to picture having sex with an Easter Bunny.
Pros: Provides a special day to recognize your romantic partner.
Cons: Still not possible to suck your own dick. Chocolate burns when you have sex with it.
FOURTH OF JULY:
Pros: National pride swells and fireworks abound.
Cons: It never makes your penis any bigger. Nobody is obligated to have sex with you.
NEW YEAR’S EVE:
Pros: You say goodbye to last year and look forward to the next as you sip champagne with friends.
Cons: You have to actually have friends and not be a recovering alcoholic.
Pros: Children have a night where they can make believe and dress up while they gather candy from kind neighbors.
Cons: Usually too dark for anyone to see your penis. Realistically, you can only fit three pieces of candy in your butt even though before Halloween you always think you can fit seven or eight. Contrary to what you believed, it’s not your one night to legally dress up like a cop and mete out justice.
FREE BOOZE AND MONEY DAY:
Pros: Money and alcohol are totally free and you can just take it.
Cons: Not a real holiday in the eyes of the government, banking system, or anyone who owns a store that sells liquor, beer, or wine.
WINNER: Free sex and money day. Call your Senator or something.
Halloween is a spooky time and this year we can ad COVID to our list of horrors. How will kids trick-or-treat? How will adults wear skanky costumes that support really bad stereotypes and make everyone regret that this holiday has become an outlet for their sexual frustration?
As per usual, the Intergalactic Business Report has you covered. Below we list the 9 best ideas for celebrating All Hallows’ Eve while still staying safely away from the dangers of the pandemic.
9 BEST COVID HALLOWEEN IDEAS:
1. BE CREATIVE IN HOW YOU DISTANCE.
Put a sign on your front door that says, “Registered Sex Offender Lives Here.” This is a sharp but subtle way to tell trick-or-treaters to keep their distance from you.
2. HAVE FUN AND CLEAN YOUR CANDY.
Take Halloween candy out of their wrappers and clean them with mouthwash or soap before placing them in a sterilized baggy. Zip them up and leave them out on your lawn for the trick-or-treaters to find.
3. DO A DIFFERENT KIND OF ADULT PARTY.
Hold an adult Halloween party where everyone wears leather masks with no breathing holes.
4. SEND CANDY FROM A DISTANCE.
Use a sling shot to safely deliver treats to children who approach your house.
5. BECOME “SCARY RALPH.”
Add to the kids’ Halloween experience by turning yourself into a scary character who stands on the front lawn in his underwear and coughs a lot.
6. TAKE A BREAK FROM YOUR USUAL COSTUME.
Instead of dressing up like a kitty cat and saying things like, “Meo-ooowww,” just don’t.*
7. REVERSE TRICK-OR-TREAT.
Attach small bags of candy to rats and birds and let them deliver the treats throughout the neighborhood.
8. ADD A PHYSICAL ELEMENT TO THE NIGHT.
Distance the children by making them go one at a time up a ladder to your roof, where they must complete an obstacle course in order to get candy. Make it hard because kids need challenges.
9. OFFER COVID-HEALTHY TREATS.
Fill baggies with vitamin D pills and zinc tablets. Then use a sharpie to write “drugs” on the bags. This tells kids and parents that you hand out “drugs” to children (to keep them safe from COVID!).
*This has nothing to do with COVID. Just please stop doing this.
Brussels sprouts. Not “brussel sprouts.” Anyway… You want to know how to cook them? O.K. The Intergalactic Business Report gives you an exclusive look at the very best way to prepare sprouts that will leave you gasping for air because your mouth can’t stop saying, “These are the best brussels sprouts ever!” We walk you through the 49 steps needed to create perfection.
STEP ONE: FIND THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
These could literally be anywhere. Even in the wild, we assume.
STEP TWO: MAKE SURE THEY’RE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Brussels sprouts are green and kind of look like testicles, like if the Jolly Green Giant had nuts and these were them but smaller.
STEP THREE: JUST TO BE ABSOLUTELY SURE, MAKE SURE AGAIN.
Check them. Do they look like balls? Are they green?
STEP FOUR: EXAMINE YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
You can do this by looking at them.
STEP FIVE: MAKE SURE NONE OF THEM FELL ON THE FLOOR OR ANYTHING.
Sometimes when you pick things up, you drop them. Did you drop any? Check the floor.
STEP SIX: IF SOME OF THEM DID FALL ON THE FLOOR, THEN PICK THEM UP.
STEP SEVEN: IF YOU HAD TO PICK SOME OF THEM UP THEN WASH THEM OFF.
STEP EIGHT: ON YOUR WAY TO WASH THEM OFF, DID YOU DROP THEM AGAIN?
STEP NINE: FIND A WATER SOURCE.
This could be almost anything, like a waterfall or a really large glass of water.
STEP TEN: IF YOU DON’T HAVE A WATER SOURCE, WAIT FOR RAIN.
Check the forecast. Put a bucket outside to collect the rain water.
STEP ELEVEN: PUT THE WATER IN A POT.
STEP TWELVE: HEAT THE WATER.
Most stoves have a knob that you turn to make the stove hot. Turn that knob.
STEP THIRTEEN: THROW SALT IN THERE?
That seems like something you would do.
STEP FOURTEEN: WAIT FOR THE WATER TO BOIL.
This can be tough because you want to eat the brussels sprouts—not wait for them to be cooked.
STEP FIFTEEN: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE WATER BOILS.
Probably don’t masturbate because you could burn yourself if you do it near the boiling water.
STEP SIXTEEN: DID YOU FORGET TO PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE WATER? OH… WE FORGOT TO TELL YOU TO DO THAT.
STEP SEVENTEEN: PUT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN THE BOILING WATER.
STEP EIGHTEEN: LOOK FOR A “TIMING DEVICE.”
While you do this, count numbers in your head so that you know how many seconds the brussels sprouts have been boiling before you use a formal clock to time the boiling.
STEP NINETEEN: SET THE DEVICE FOR TEN MINUTES MINUS THE NUMBER YOU COUNTED IN YOUR HEAD.
STEP TWENTY: FIND SOMETHING TO DO WHILE THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS BOIL.
STEP TWENTY-ONE: DON’T MASTURBATE. (SEE ABOVE).
STEP TWENTY-TWO: STIR THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Do this with a spoon or something. Don’t use your fingers or face or hands.
STEP TWENTY-THREE: STIR THEM AGAIN.
STEP TWENTY-FOUR: STIR THEM AGAIN, WE GUESS.
STEP TWENTY-FIVE: TURN OFF THE STOVE WHEN YOUR TIMING DEVICE RINGS.
STEP-TWENTY-SIX: LOOK AT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
Again, do this by looking at them.
STEP TWENTY-SEVEN: FIND A COLANDER TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
A colander is like a bowl with holes in it that you probably tried to eat soup out of at some point and were like, “Why the fuck did they put holes in this?” This is why.
STEP TWENTY-EIGHT: PUT THE COLANDER IN THE SINK.
STEP TWENTY-NINE: FIND AN OVEN MIT SO YOU WON’T BURN YOUR HANDS WHEN YOU GRAB THE POT TO DRAIN YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP THIRTY: PUT THE OVEN MIT(S) ON YOUR HAND(S).
STEP THIRTY-ONE: WITH YOUR OVEN MITS ON, APPROACH THE STOVE.
STEP THIRTY-TWO: GRAB THE POT.
STEP THIRTY-THREE: CARRY THE POT TO THE SINK WHERE YOUR COLANDER IS.
STEP THIRTY-FOUR: SLOWLY POUR THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
Turn your wrists to do this. You’ll notice the pot tipping over. Don’t worry. As long as you don’t let go, the pot will stay in your hands.
STEP THIRTY-FIVE: FINISH POURING THE POT OVER THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SIX: LOOK AT THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS, JUST SITTING THERE, IN THE COLANDER.
STEP THIRTY-SEVEN: FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER TO PUT YOUR BRUSSELS SPROUTS IN.
STEP THIRTY-EIGHT: YOU CAN’T FIND A DISH OR CONTAINER?
STEP THIRTY-NINE: THAT’S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. YOU COOKED ALL THESE BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND NOW THEY’RE JUST SITTING THERE IN THE SINK.
STEP FORTY: LOOK AGAIN FOR A DISH OR CONTAINER.
STEP FORTY-ONE: SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN’T FIND ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-TWO: YOU FUCKING SUCK. EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO PUT FOOD INTO. HOW DO YOU NOT HAVE ANYTHING?
STEP FORTY-THREE: TAKE THE COLANDER FULL OF BRUSSELS SPROUTS AND THROW IT IN THE FUCKING GARBAGE.
STEP FORTY-FOUR: THINK ABOUT WHAT A TOTAL DICK YOU ARE AND HOW YOU DON’T DESERVE BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
STEP FORTY-FIVE: JESUS. DID YOU ACTUALLY THROW AWAY ALL THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS?
You could have just eaten them out of the colander or something.
STEP FORTY-SIX: IT WAS STUPID FOR US TO TRY TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DO THIS.
We regret it. It was an idea we had, but now it looks pretty apparent that you’re too fucking stupid to cook brussels sprouts.
STEP FORTY-SEVEN: FIND SOME SPAGHETTIOS. EAT THAT SHIT. TRY NOT TO FUCK IT UP.
STEP FORTY-EIGHT: THAT WAS MEAN. SORRY.
In retrospect, we kind of share blame for this. You for being so fucking stupid and us for believing you weren’t so fucking stupid and could handle this.
STEP FORTY-NINE: THAT WAS MEAN TOO.
It’s not your fault at all. You can’t help how fucking stupid you are.
Mascots. They delight us with their frolicking happiness and faux competitive spirit. But there is also a dark side as the Intergalactic Business Report learned when we went across the country to find the absolute worst mascots ever conceived of. Here they are:
The Hope State Lepers.
The Ansberry Tech Looters.
The Carmel College Big Brown Toilet Flush.
The Mohave High School Shit Pieces.
The Utah Frotteurists.
The Bellingham Community College Open Marriage That Seemed Like A Good Idea But Ended Up Hurting Everyone And Leading To A Messy Divorce.
The Virginia College of Optometry Van Drivers Who Offer Candy to Children.
The Martin Military Academy Deserters.
The Healthy Weight Institute Desserters.
The Orville State University Systemic Racists.
The Hornsbury College Beehive Fuckers.
The Fronteneau High School Will Suck Dick For Money.
The North Carolina Gifted Charter School Freak Squad.
The Upstate South Carolina Community College Old People Molesters.
The College of the Philippines Sex Traffickers.
Orlando Area School for the Arts Satanic Dildo Performers.
Throughout the global pandemic, it seems that every day just brings more and more bad news. New numbers. Alarming statistics. Stories of death and pain. Images of hospitals overrun and… You get it. Just turn on your t.v.
To counter this gloom, the Intergalactic Business Report set out to find some truly positive updates about Covid-19 and deliver it to our readers so they can once again feel the comfort of good news for a change. Here’s what we came up with:
1. If you’re reading this, you aren’t dead yet.
2. Twerking doesn’t seem to spread the virus.
3. That’s all we’ve got. Sorry.
Ozark is renewed for a 14 episode final season and fans everywhere are saying, “Hey, wouldn’t it be fun to launder money?” While we can’t legally recommend laundering, we can point out the best and worst ways to do it.
BEST: Buy real estate in ultra-expensive empty buildings. Then just sit on it as it accumulates value.
WORST: Buy precious metals, melt them down, and build a toilet out of them, so no one suspects your toilet is worth 8 Million dollars. Then just sit on it as it accumulates stankiness.
BEST: Open shell companies with offshore bank accounts.
WORST: Sell seashells by the seashore.
BEST: Become a “partner” with someone who has a cash business.
WORST: Give money to homeless people and tell them to bring it back to you once they’ve doubled it.
BEST: Have a “front” like a laundry mat or Chinese restaurant, where you pretend to do legitimate business.
WORST: Make fortune cookies with messages inside asking if anyone has good money-laundering ideas with your phone number on them.
BEST: Open a “Gentleman’s club” and put all the cash earnings in a safe.
WORST: Open a Gentleman’s club and deposit all your money in strippers’ g-strings.
BEST: Make zero interest loans to people but don’t actually give them the money.
WORST: Vaguely “bet on yourself” or “invest in” people. Talk a lot about how you can’t measure the value of a person. Then slowly go broke.
BEST: Have a secret offshore account through which you funnel all your profits.
WORST: Have children.
BEST: Start any business that has to do with concrete.
WORST: Bankroll your son’s band.
Probably the most important question coming from the global pandemic is whether or not Bigfoot and others will finally show their faces now that humans tricked them into thinking we all had left the planet.
As we sit back and hope for their sightings, we profile a list of the very best and worst crypto monsters out there.
BEST: Chupacabra. Creepy, reptilian dog creature that kills livestock.
WORST: Charo, reptilian Love Boat guest star who kills people’s sanity by making them question why she’s famous.
BEST: Mothman. West Virginia winged creature.
WORST: Mathman. Only person in West Virginia able to do basic algebra.
BEST: Loch Ness Monster. Scottish lake monster.
WORST: Loch Ness Hipster. Bearded dude who lives by the lake, wears a pork pie hat, and plays a ukulele.
BEST: Cadborosaurus. Sea serpent in the Pacific Northwest.
BEST: Bigfoot. Also known as Sasquatch. Hairy ape creature from North America.
WORST: Phil Ratuliak.
BEST: Kraken. Sea monster with massive tentacles.
WORST: Phil McCracken. Massive testicles. Something like that.
BEST: Mokele-mbembe. Dinosaur in Africa.
WORST: Dikembe Mutombo.
BEST: Beast of Bodmin Moor. Phantom wildcat in Cornwall, England.
WORST: Trisha Henson. 47-year-old cougar from Cornwall, Iowa. She appears at the Applebee’s bar, vanishes from your apartment the next morning, and then returns to your nightmares every night thereafter.
BEST: Mongolian Death Worm. Harmless myth that isn’t true.
WORST: People who claim the Mongolian Death Worm is a real thing.
BEST: Jersey Devil. Horse that walks on two legs.
WORST: Virtually anyone from New Jersey. Whether they walk on two legs or not.
BEST: Skunk Ape. Stinky humanoid from Florida.
WORST: Your college roommate. Stinky humanoid who was on the top bunk.
BEST: Piasa. Native American dragon bird.
WORST: Butterball. Immobile turkey from your fridge.
As part of our commitment to fairness and worldwide peace, the Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish Phillip Ratuliak’s letter to us. While we stand by our writing and claims about Mr. Ratuliak, we also respect his lame attempt to refute us.
Dear readers of the Intergalactic Business Report:
Maybe a year ago, a friend of mine told me that my name was mentioned in this publication. I’d never heard of it, so I looked it up, and found the article. I believe it was about how I supposedly had a museum in the bathroom of my house called “The Largest Contiguous Human Shit Museum.”
I dug deeper and found more articles, each more disturbing and inappropriate than the last. In one, it’s suggested that people name their penis after me. Another claims I am a creature from outer space. Their obsession even included naming a cocktail after me.
I want to make something clear to anyone who may be reading this. I do not know anyone at the Intergalactic Business Report. I have never met anyone there. I have absolutely no association with them whatsoever.
I did have a short phone call, in which I asked them if they would please stop using my name in their publication. I was directed to one of their editors who explained to me that the stories written about me had been done by writers from an alternative universe, who had come through a portal, written their articles, and then returned to their dimension.
The editor then asked if he could borrow money from me. I told him no. He suggested I could pay him for an “advertorial,” which would be a positive article about me. I told him I didn’t need that. I just wanted him to stop putting out nonsense about me and my life that wasn’t true. He muttered something about how I didn’t understand how expensive Taco Bell was. That was the extent of our conversation.
After threatening a lawsuit, I received notice from IBR that they would agree to publish my own words so that readers could hear from me. They also brought up the advertorial again. I found that to be a TOTALLY NORMAL idea and one that I WANTED BADLY. They said it would cost ten thousand dollars. Again, I made it clear to them that I would TOTALLY BE interested in some fake story about myself. I also found it COMPLETELY NORMAL to ask me for ten thousand dollars, which I would HAPPILY pay them.
The Intergalactic Business Report agreed to publish this letter, in my own words, and to KEEP PUMPING OUT THOSE AWESOME stories bearing my name.
Thank you for reading,
The Intergalactic Business Report has named Phil Ratuliak the human being most like the Coronavirus. This pronouncement was not made lightly and we feel that while other candidates were worthy of being considered as nasty as the pandemic virus that is ruining the year 2020, Phil’s unique qualities distinguish him from others. Below we list the evidence.
1. Like the Coronavirus, Phil Ratuliak makes people afraid of being exposed to him.
2. If you touch Phil Ratuliak, you will feel okay about it for a day or so, but then you’ll realize how much you regret it for the next two weeks.
3. The Coronavirus started through unsafe wet markets in China. Phil Ratuliak started when Randy Ratuliak found Lucy Bonalli’s wet mark senior year in high school. Also extremely unsafe.
4. If you wear a mask you will be protected from Phil recognizing you in a mall and trying to get in your face to ask you questions like, “How you been?” and “So what have you been up to?”
5. While you hope that Phil will eventually just “die out” he seems to keep going and you have to accept that he’s going to be around for probably like a million years or something.
6. Phil Ratuliak can travel through ventilation systems, because he’s an HVAC repair guy.
7. Many people will attest that Phil Ratuliak is the worst thing that’s ever happened to our planet.
8. You may have come in contact with Phil and not even known it. His stank is on you. And you transfer it to every person you meet.
9. When Phil comes into your life you worry about how awful he is until summer and then you just kind of forget he was ever there.
The best. The worst. You don't need to decide, because we do for you.