Best exercise program? Unstable Jeff did 50 burpees a day for thirty days and here’s what happened.12/9/2025  Hi. I’m Jeff, and I’ll admit it. I used to think a “burpee” was either something you did to a baby or what happened after you drank too many beers. Hahahahahaha. Laugh! It’s fucking funny!
Anyway, I was looking for a new exercise regimen, and I kept hearing that to get a full body workout, you need to do stuff where your whole body is involved. Makes sense, right? Repeat that to me, motherfucker! So, I found an exercise called “burpees” where you just stand there and then suddenly squat, do a push up, and get up and then keep doing that. I did this fifty times a day for an entire month, and here’s what happened. What happened to Unstable Jeff after doing 50 burpees a day for a month: -I threw up on myself and others (who were near me at the bus stop). -It was difficult to control my dick until I started wearing underwear for the workout. -It helps if you grunt or say “UUUUUNNGHHHHHHH!” every time you do one. -Doing burpees at a bus stop is often misdiagnosed as “exhibiting mental illness.” -Following people home who stared at you when you were doing burpees at a bus stop and then doing burpees in front of their homes like, yeah I’ll do a fucking burpee on your lawn motherfucker, is often mischaracterized as “disturbing” or “threatening.” -“Burpee” is Indian for “Michael” or “Dave.” -Every time I do one, I gain a previously unclaimed soul for my mayonnaise jar. -If you rap, you could rhyme it with “slurpee.” You’re welcome. -I’m done doing burpees now. Goodbye. Unstable Jeff is a guy whose last name doesn’t really matter as much as the adjective he has in front of his first name. You get it. Any comments or contact requests may be made at [email protected].  As Bravo’s Real Housewives of Salt Lake City nears its season end, “friend of the housewives” Britani Bateman revealed that being harassed for hours on a flight by Meredith Marks was “literally, like, the sixth worst thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.”
In our continuing coverage of what might be the most important show about women who may have soaked in college, the Intergalactic Business Report went further than we were comfortable by investigating just what the top six worst things were that befell Britani. As we probed deeper and deeper without moving our bodies, we found ourselves asking the same question again and again:“What was the former number six ranked thing that was displaced by the Meredith airplane assault?” Because, in a way, Meredith did Britani a favor by making another traumatic experience slightly less traumatic, right? Top six worst things that ever happened to Britani Bateman (plus the new number seven worst thing):
 If you can only make one first impression, your name can too. Or something like that. In an extensive survey spanning forty-six countries and including close to seventy-thousand participants* the Intergalactic Business Report asked women which male names were least attractive. While we assumed “Jugdish” would be right up there, this name never even placed in the conversation. Below, we tell you what did:
The top ten least attractive male names, according to women.
*"Close" is a subjective term and in this case ranges from 0 to the number expressed above.  Office parlance allows for a million clichés, most of them innocuous and overlooked. But when you convey negativity, even subtly, you're giving off vibes that may cause co-workers and bosses to see you as not ready for promotion.
We took the 13 most common phrases used at work and tell you why they may be affecting your reputation. “That’s not my job.” Lack of ownership. “I’ll do my best.” Hidden uncertainty. “That’s not fair.” Professional immaturity. “I’ll bet you can’t fit THAT in my butt.” Unclear request. Call out a specific object or appendage. “I need more vacation time.” Lack of interest in your job. “I’m overwhelmed.” Weakness in accomplishing multiple tasks. “How about taking that and seeing if it will fit in my butt?” Uncertainty about your butt capacity. “Thank god it’s Friday.” Lack of enthusiasm for the workplace. “I’m hard for this meeting.” Good enthusiasm, bad for sexual harassment. “If we implement this idea, I want to be first in line at its gangbang.” Unwillingness to share. “I have no room left in my butt for that idea.” Lack of room for new ideas. “Nice snatches, everyone.” Ignoring male employees’ penises. “I just shit in Dora’s filing cabinet.” Dora doesn’t have a filing cabinet.  Betting on rickshaw racing is illegal. Financial experts warn about “hidden costs” that underly our daily spending. A cup of Starbucks per day can cost you thousands a year and carryout food will drain your savings. But what about the other spending habits you have—the ones we all consider imperative to survival and happiness?
The Intergalactic Business Report goes behind your money wall to reveal the seemingly commonsense expenses that could cost you tens of thousands (or more) over your lifetime, year, or week. The dumbest things you spend your money on each year (and how much they cost). Weekend trips at pricey hotels and resorts. Weekend trips seem easy and cheap because we tell ourselves we can’t spend too much money over a few days. That’s true—to an extent. The average getaway to Las Vegas could run around two thousand dollars, not including gambling. Take a couple trips like this in a year, and things begin to add up. COST PER YEAR: $10,000. Teaching prostitutes to read. What started as a charitable act in which you paid a lady of the night for her time and spent it teaching her to be literate, has grown into a weekly event costing you hundreds. What’s worse is that you're beginning to wonder if these women actually can read and are just faking it for your cash. COST PER YEAR: $14,500. Buying collector watches and putting them in your butt. It seems harmless. Buy a couple really nice time pieces that will increase in value, and that you can pass on to your grandkids. Then take them and shove them into your butt. What you don’t know is that at least 40% of watches that go inside someone’s butt either never return or are damaged by other things in your butt and are unusable afterwards. To make matters worse, watch collectors and dealers say they don’t want to buy watches that have been in other people’s butts. COST PER YEAR: $60,000. Betting on illegal rickshaw races is both against the law and hard-to-put-your-finger-on-it-but-it’s-gotta-be-racist. It’s also costing you upwards of $75k a year. COST PER YEAR: $75,000. Paying your “friend” to genetically engineer squirrels to steal things and spy on people. We’ve all done this one, at least once, and it can become one of the most costly expenses of our lives. Dr. Finneas Randall, who moved in next door about a year ago, seems like a very smart man, and he brings you gifts, like a trained spider that finds and brings you cigarettes people haven’t smoked all the way. But you have to wonder if 1.) he is an actual doctor, and 2.) if he’s actually “genetically engineering” those squirrels or just putting them in cages and pretending he did something to them. Either way, you’re out a hundred and fifty grand and the squirrel spies have brought you intel anyone could have and they stole twenty bucks from a homeless man, which is, yup, it’s monopoly money. COST PER YEAR: $150,000. Multiple penis strength coaches. Most of us have one penis strength coach, but the temptation is always there to hire multiple experts to build your dick into a champion. Do you really need a team of coaches for one penis? Stick with one to get the job done (unless you want to keep shelling out $187,000 a year). COST PER YEAR: $187,000. Hiring professional actors to recreate scenes from Goodfellas and Casino where you’re Joe Pesci. Yes, this is totally worth it the first time you do it. And yes, as soon as you do it once, you feel like doing it again, kind of like hitting a crack pipe. But hiring, and sometimes housing, an entire acting troupe so that you can “be” a fictional (?) Joe Pesci character is so costly that it breaks the bank. Instead of pricey actors, try getting non-paid friends to play along or simply find confrontational situations in which you can threaten people at grocery stores and car washes. COST PER YEAR: $483,000. TOTAL COST PER YEAR: $979,000*. * How much money do you make, anyway? Jesus. Like what do you spend on food and stuff? Are you rich? If so, we guess this stuff is all fine because, why not? Do you want to hang sometime? In Vegas or something? You sound really interesting. Let us know.  Painting (or whatever this guy is doing) didn't make either category. Collecting baseball cards was fun when you were ten, but now that you’re older, it definitely isn’t going to get you girls. As men age, a bright and critical light shines on them—by women deciding whether you are good enough to mate with. Does that sound cold, clinical, and maybe even a bit ruthless? Don’t take our word for it*.
We asked heterosexual women what male hobbies turn them on and off most. The results? Many common side passions are red flags while more unusual pursuits are panty droppers. If you’re a regular guy who wants to up his game, take notice of what you do for fun and whether it’s making her hot or making you not. We list the most and the least below: Most attractive male hobbies, according to women:
Least attractive male hobbies, according to women:
 Most of us are more socially awkward than we’d like to admit. When meeting new people, we often try to make a good impression while accomplishing just the opposite. Experts say not to ask what someone does for a living, but there are many other questions that will put strangers on the defensive and make you look insensitive, rude, and boorish.
The next time you are networking, interviewing, or meeting the neighbors, avoid these common but inadvertently offensive questions: “What’s up YOUR ass?” “Did you just fart or is that me? Yup, it’s me. Welcome to my fart.” “Shake my hand! Unnngh! Shake mah HAAAAAND!” “Why is your face so fucked up?” “Why is it I wanna say FUCK YOU to you so badly?” “FUCK YOU. Sorry, that wasn’t a question. Fuck you? Yes.” “If you take out your butt plug, will you smile more?” “Ricky? Is that you? Come on, Ricky. I know it’s you. Look at me. Look into my eyes and say it isn’t you, Ricky! Look into my eyes!”  Columnist Ed Mountaineer has been looking for love in all the wrong places. Below, we list his very worst (or best?) efforts, in his own words:
-I try to impress a girl by dressing up like her dad, whose looks I model after extensive research and following him around a lot. When I show up on our second date, I surprise her with my new “look.” -Instead of going for ice cream after our date, I take “Trisha” to a place where small people beat you with churros and then you eat their food weapons afterwards. -As an unofficial, unhired school janitor, I enter a teachers’ lounge and ask Ms. Hadley on a date. She says something like, “fuck no” and I report her to the principal for using foul language. When the principal asks who I am, I ask him on a date. That actually goes pretty well. -I enter a platonic relationship with all the animals of nature. This means I am committed to them and them to me but with no penetration. This is what my lawyer makes me state, anyway. -Four years before my college graduation I take a pill that gives me the knowledge equivalent to an accounting degree. I decide not to go to college and am discriminated against for many years by accounting firms. Finally, I “date” the car owned by one of the accounting firm partners after he refuses to hire me. It is a secret relationship in which we have to sneak around and have sex with each other. Or, more accurately, it is the kind of relationship where I have to “sneak” into the accountant partner’s garage at night and have sex with his Subaru. The car doesn’t give a lot back. I do all the work, and this is one of many reasons the relationship ends. -I imagine that somewhere in the universe there is a “space girl” who is my soul match and is waiting for me. I pray for an alien invasion in which she shows up and is like, “come on, let’s get out of here before my friends murder you.” And I’m like, “It looks like you nuked the whole block.” And she’s like, “I’ll explain all the technology later.” And I’m like, “O.K.” -Instead of going through the trouble of establishing a “relationship” based on knowing someone else, I decide I will simply “date” everyone and in this way, you are my girlfriend. And boyfriend. -I have sex with a fortune teller. It costs me sixty dollars, but I feel like the part where she tells your future was free and the sex was what upped the price. -Penis. That’s the name I decided to have to help me date people. In this way, if you accept a date with me, you accept my penis. Unfortunately, no one would accept a date with me. -The perfect space girl (see above) turns out to be a dude. And he is from some kind of lizard race. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  One thing most of us have learned in the past decade is that psychology, and things like it, are hard. People have problems, and so do we, and sometimes in order to have relationships, we need to say things and words that have meanings we may not even understand. So, what do you do when someone says he’s depressed? We don’t know. But we can tell you what NOT to say. We tell you the very worst of that.
What NOT to say to someone who’s depressed. 1. “At least you’re financially secure, right? Right? Don’t tell me you’re having money problems too.” 2. “What’s that thing on your face? Cancer?” 3. “Hold up. I’m gonna ask AI what to say to you.” 4. “You need to get DRUNK, bro. We are gettin’ DRUNK. Let’s go, bro. Let’s get DRUNK.” 5. “Watch this gun. Imma be right back.” 6. “Maybe you need to take your butt plug out. You’re way too uptight. You don’t have a butt plug in? Then what the fuck is wrong with you?” 7. “Know what’s depressing? You.” 8. “You’re way past your life expectancy so you should savor every moment you have left.” 9. “Think you’re depressed now? Just wait till life really hits you with some shit. You need to toughen up or you’re not gonna make it, bro.” 10. “Want me to tickle you or something?” 11. “Here I go again on my own! Come on motherfucker. Sing it with me!”  Manifestation works. Here’s the proof. By Ed Mountaineer.
A few years ago, I heard the term “manifestation” and thought it was about termites getting in your house. Fuck that, I thought. Then I started seeing people on social media claim they could control the universe by doing it. I tried letting bugs inside my house but that’s harder than you’d think. It’s not like you can just invite them in. They aren’t good at communication. In case you don’t know me, I’ve always had a deep desire to control everything in the universe, including (let’s be honest, especially) people. I feel like I would be a better at making them do stuff than whatever controls them currently. I don’t know. It’s always just been a feeling. So whatever manifestation was, I was going to learn it, lock in, and use it to take over human bodies and lives and also do good I guess? Smartly, I stared into my phone and decided to spend hours watching videos and memes about how manifestation can give you anything you want—including sex? That’s a question to the universe that’s not really a part of this article. Anyway, what I discovered was that the universe always says “yes.” Oh, and the universe is like everything in the... universe?. It’s super complicated. But whatever it is, you just ask it for things, and it gives them to you no matter what. Pretty cool. At first, I was like, “give me money.” Or make that guy over there fall down and lose his pants in a really funny way so I can film it and post it and maybe get like a million likes and have people think I have the best content and ask, “how does he get this stuff?” And then I’d be saying to myself, super quietly, “because the universe does whatever I tell it.” But none of that worked. Money never appeared. The guy didn’t fall. His pants stayed on. I have like three followers. Then I went further. I watched even more videos, and spent even more hours watching super happy people talk about how they could control the universe with their thoughts. I started hearing that it was HOW you asked the universe for things that mattered most. Apparently, the universe has trouble understanding your desires if you don’t say things right. I was saying, “I wish for this” or “gimme that.” Apparently, that doesn’t work. The universe grants you wishes if you pretend whatever you want is happening already. So, instead of saying, “I wish I had money,” you say, “I have money.” And then you just keep saying it again and again in the present tense and it appears? I don’t know if it works with money yet, because I’ve been concentrating on other things first. And awesome news. It works. And it can work for you too. Start by doing what I did (and say every day) below. I’m telling you, I did this and it became reality. You don’t have to take my word for it. Just say the phrases below and be rewarded by the universe.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. |
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