10 really brutal career truths nobody told you.

It doesn't matter if you’re just starting out or reaching retirement--most of us go through our careers with the same happy delusions. Whether it’s that hard work will always pay off, or that talent rises to the top, the truth is work can be cynical, arbitrary, and unfair. This week the Intergalactic Business Report examines the hardscrabble reality of office life and employment by presenting you with:
 
The ten really brutal career truths nobody told you.

1. No one cares how your weekend was. And they never will. Unless you had sex with them. Over the weekend. And they’re checking to see how that was. 

2. If you’re wondering who keeps taking a dump on your desk, it was Jeff Tanner. And he’ll just keep doing it. You may as well quit. 

3. Your 401K is fake. Right? 

4. During your performance reviews, your boss is thinking about porn. And not solid, regular, attractive-people-having-sex-with-each-other porn. He likes the nasty stuff. And there you are, asking him how to improve. And there he is, picturing someone’s fat ass—probably of an old person.  

5. You spend one-third to one-half of your life at work. That means your boss spends at least half his life picturing old people having sex with fat people.  

6. If Jeff Tanner could figure out a way to get inside your car, he would shit there too. Truth. 

7. If offices still had filing cabinets, that’s where Jeff Tanner would take dumps. And if you didn’t use your filing cabinet regularly, you’d probably just smell something for a while and wonder if there was something off with the ventilation system until someone asked you if you had that file on the Emerson account and you said, “Yes, I have it right in here…”

​8. No matter how hard you work; no matter how loyal you are; no matter how many hours you put in; no matter how much money you make; no matter how many times you’re promoted; no matter how many awards you win; Jeff Tanner is going to find a way to take a dump on something you own, work on, or put files into. Reality.
 
9. Working hard doesn’t make your penis larger. Or vagina larger. Or butt hole deeper. You get it.  

​10. If you were to star in a porn about fat people having sex with extremely old people, your performance review would be with someone else, like the guy who directs movies like that. But, at the same time, the person who has the job you have now would be doing a performance review and their boss would be thinking about you in your movie. So there’s that. 

Merch that will ruin your career