8 metrics you should never add when writing a performance improvement plan.

When you really really hate an employee but also hope he’ll just quit on his own, a performance improvement plan offers the perfect mix of torture and humiliation, as your inept worker must complete vague tasks and alter his behavior so that after three months you can tell him it still isn’t working out, but thanks for trying to do all the stuff I came up with that I knew you’d never actually be able to do. 
 
However arbitrary and unfair your plan is, you must still respect a few legal boundaries as you assign your soon-to-be fired supplicant tasks and directives. Although some of these may seem like normal requests to an employee, we caution you to avoid making them part of a performance plan. Below we list the seven most common, but potentially illegal requests bosses make in employee performance improvement plans.
 
 
Stop adding these 8 metrics to your employee improvement plans. 
 

1. Start “performing” blowjobs.
2. Wear costumes that keep us guessing.
3. Be saucier.
4. Ride the edge between angry and hot.
5. Complete the “no hands jerkoff” challenge with a score of 78 or higher.
6. On “jello day” you bring the green one.
7. Stop being a spaz. 
8. Change your face.

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