 As a business magazine, the Intergalactic Business Report cares for the people everyone hates—the CEOs, the ad people, the bankers, and Crypto assholes.
This year, we promise to refocus and give them the hope and, yes, love they probably don’t deserve but could pay for if paying for that becomes possible, like through a robot who strokes them off, a service where people pretend to like you, or mail order companions. You get it. What we’re saying is that if you are of those rarest of human beings who feel they are above all others because they know where to buy “real” hummus, who actively seek opportunities to take their shirts off in public, or have a personalized license plate that reads: CLOSER, we are your source for information and entertainment. We’re not done yet though. If you’re someone who finds ways to use the number 69 to express yourself; if you feel the ChatGPT prompts you developed are a “force multiplier”; or if you have a story about where you tipped a waitress 110%, you should be reading this, as well as all the other crap we tirelessly churn out. You’re not going to find a more unapologetic take on what’s most important in this life and this world—money and power. We tell you about the lifestyle you want and talk to business icons you have no chance of ever meeting in real life. Whether you’re aspirational or feel like you’ve already made it, just know this: we care about you. We care about you reading this. A lot. Unlike others, we don’t think you’re a douchebag. And we think it’s cool you bought that two-thousand-dollar bottle of tequila. In the darkness of reality, we are like your personal black light, that shows where all the jizz is in your hotel room, and, yes, in your life. So let us into your life and start calling us Bruv. We’ll act like that’s cool—because it is. Right? We are here for you and hope to be a companion on your journey to success. If you use what we tell you, it’s almost guaranteed you can become a billionaire. It’s all here, waiting. Very Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report  If you’ve ever walked into a convenience or grocery store and seen what looks like an impossible price for a product, you may have been identified as a “dipshit” by marketers. With new coding technology, some businesses have been able to alter prices instantly as they see certain consumers approach their goods, making millions in profits by targeting those their algorithm deems simpletons or unable to control their purchasing impulses. Below, we tell you how it works.
Instantaneous bar recoding tech gives sellers a new edge. While bar codes appear permanent enough, a new electronic paper system allows retailers to update prices not only on the code but on the listed price as well. This means that, from a distant computer, businesses can update their inventory without pulling off pricing stickers. Instead, they are able to alter the ink itself to reflect a totally new code and price. Sounds impossible? A senior marketing director told us that, “Ink and paper technology has reached a new age in which it almost appears we’re doing magic. But we’re not. If you pay for the right coding system, you can change what consumers see almost instantly.” Instantaneous bar recoding (IBR), as it is called by the industry, goes a step further. IBR, creates consumer profiles based on facial recognition and other factors to alter pricing as a person nears a product in a store. For instance, candy prices may be lowered automatically when children get near a row of Kit Kat bars. On the opposite end, when susceptible, mentally weak adults, or “dipshits” as marketers crudely call them, see a product they like, the price may hike dramatically. As an example, a twenty-something man may enter a city grocery store to buy beer. Scanners rate him for mental acuity and awareness and give him a low score. Then he sees a case of Sapporo beer, which the algorithm has determined is his favorite. The price instantly goes up to $45.99, which is bordering on the outrageous. The “dipshit” then goes into a state of shock and questions the price but still considers buying the beer because that’s how marketing works. The aftermath of “dipshit” identification. In the hypothetical story about the Sapporo beer, the consumer who paused and pondered the pricing was identified in the marketing system as someone perplexed by the price but also captured by the power of suggestion. While he may not be weak enough to actually buy the beer, he now is fixated on the idea of it and his purchasing behavior changes as he sees Sapporo as more valuable than it actually is. “Why,” he asks himself, “Is Sapporo more expensive here than anything else?” And it is precisely then that instantaneous bar recoding works. This consumer now puts the product at a premium in his mind, and it sticks there. He will always pay more for Sapporo, so the theory goes. He also contacts friends and relatives, who may also be potential “dipshits” and infects them with his story about the unusual pricing. They join him in valuing Sapporo at a higher level. They begin to wonder whether the world is “running out” of Sapporo and if they should start buying it now before it’s all gone. Finally, the consumer is placed in a database of other “dipshits” whose prices change whenever they enter a store using the technology. The future of instantaneous bar recoding. For now, IBR is limited to Sapporo beer and a few other items, like sardines, some brands of penis pumps, and beef. But marketers expect its use to grow quickly as businesses catch on to the potential. If you feel you’ve been put into a “dipshit” database and would like to understand your rights and responsibilities, contact us at [email protected].   As Gary Indiana submitted its proposal for the new Chicago Bears stadium, other cities, some of them not even in the state of Illinois, submitted theirs too. We share the ones we feel are top contenders, and evaluate the pros, cons, and possibilities. Arlington Heights: Bearadise. Projected cost: $2-5 Billion (with $855 Million in public funding). Capacity: 60-65,000. Pitch: “A mixed use entertainment district anchored by a state-of-the-art NFL stadium.” Architectural style: Fixed-roof NFL style stadium. Pros: Metra access, $10 Billion economic impact. The Bears already purchased the property for $197 Million. Cons: $855 Million in public funding for infrastructure such as roads. High property taxes. Myanmar: Supreme Good Stadium of the God of Wealth. Capacity: 750,000. Projected Cost: Free (with slave labor). Pitch: “You do this and you will feel freedom from the fire demons we have summoned.” Architectural style: Football field, surrounded by another, much bigger field that is level with the football field. On the “spectator field” fans just gather, most of them not really understanding that a game is taking place in the central circle. Gunfire and rockets provided for night games. Cons: Fans must fly to Thailand and then be helicoptered into a warzone to see games. Pros: That’s pretty much like going to a Bears game now. Rantoul, Illinois: Rantoul Dome.  Capacity: 250. Projected cost: $450,000. Pitch: “This will be an intimate setting for players if they’re shy and don’t want all that noise. Also, opponents might get weirded out by it and fumble and stuff.” Architectural style: “Large Circus Tent.” Pros: The cost of construction comes in lowest and local strippers will replace cheerleader salaries. Cons: Only 250 tickets may be sold per game because after that, the tent becomes a fire hazard. Rockford, Illinois: Pornhub Stadium.  Capacity: 78,000.
Projected cost: $1.8 Billion. Pitch: “Adults only stadium that will make you come back for more.” Architectural style: Traditional stadium design with private chambers for spectators to whack off in. Cons: Even though the whack off chambers are considered “private” you can still see your neighbors pounding their baloney. 60% of women in focus groups said the whack off chambers would affect their decision to attend games. Pros: For public masturbators, this is a dream come true. Rockford is known as the “Jerk off capital of America” and Pornhub naming rights will cover stadium construction. 40% of women react positively to the whack off chambers. That’s a really good number and would attract the kinds of women Pornhub stadium is looking for. |
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