New LinkedIn scams, perversions, and hustles nobody is talking about (except us)

As social media becomes a playground for scammers and con artists, even boring business community LinkedIn is susceptible to freaks who prey on your good nature to exploit and manipulate. It’s hard to believe that a platform dedicated to work, career, and professional life could have such a dark side, but today the Intergalactic Business Report issues a warning to all users. Beware of these LinkedIn scams, perversions, and hustles:
 
“This is so out of character of me, but…”
This is where con-artists post that they “never” do this and hate to toot their own horn* but today they decided to tell everyone they won an award nobody’s heard of or cares about. The trick is to get you to respond with applause emojis and love symbols as well as comments like, “You deserve this!” and “Bravo!” When enough of these responses are collected, the poster is able to have an orgasm on his glass etched trophy. 

“I’m at a resort in Aruba with a bunch of cool people who are also my close friends and business partners.”
At first glance, these posts look like a swingers’ convention with really unattractive options, but it’s actually just a group of middle-aged troglodytes at a regular convention captured just before one of them tries to cheat on his spouse and just after one of them made an accidental racial slur to a waiter.
 
“I got a promotion. Look at me.” 
Scammer Derek just got moved up to assistant vice-president. Before that, he was something else. Clap, monkeys. 
 
“I didn’t write this, but I’m going to repost it as if I had something to do with it.”
Perhaps the most diabolical scam artist maneuver, this is where a charlatan takes an article she didn’t conceive of, write, or understand, and reposts as if she came up with it. Sometimes, you may see an intro like, “If you know you know.” She doesn’t.
 
“You know I’d be posting a picture of me with no shirt on in the mirror but I’m doing this instead.” 
This is generally any selfie, portrait, or photo of the person posting on LinkedIn. If you see one of these, it is a sign that he’s constricted by the format but would rather have his shirt off and be back on Myspace, where he was the fucking king. 
 
“I got a new job, and it’s bittersweet leaving the great people I’ve had the honor to work with for the past four and a half years.” 
Con artist Lance is letting his new colleagues know that his old colleagues loved working with him and that his new colleagues will feel the same way about him soon because he’s such a fucking awesome guy. If you worked with Lance, you’re now obligated to post something like, “We’ll miss you, Lance,” and “All the best in your new adventure.” If Lance weren’t leaving, you’d say things like, “Hey Lance, wake up. We need this conference room,” and, “Lance, you charged a lap dance on your corporate account,” and, “Lance, an intern told me you asked if you could see his balls.”
 
“I’m going to post something every human being on earth will agree with and act like I’m brave and deserve praise for saying it.”
This is where a LinkedIn admiral decides he’s going to really impart some wisdom by stating boldly that leaders should inspire people instead of being mean all the time. After a thousand likes and comments such as, “Right on! You tell em Marv,” Marv removes his butt plug and lets out a ten second, post-coital sigh. 
 
*Self felatio.

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