 AI offers the stupendous possibility that dumb people will finally be able to use a robot/computer to even their odds with smart people. It also offers the stupendous possibility that lazy people will finally be able to even their odds with hard working people. We put this to the test as our own Cedric Bigglestone took one crumpled hundred-dollar bill and gave it to ChatGPT to turn into a fortune. What could be easier and lazier? We expected untold wealth but instead learned some terrible secrets about what working with artificial intelligence really entails. Cedric’s report, below:
What I learned when I gave ChatGPT 100 dollars to make me rich.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected].  Work friends can be true friends. After all, we spend more time with them than with our own families. They know us well and we know them. But after a few post-work drinks, things can get personal—maybe too much so. How do you draw the line between what is colleague appropriate and what’s not? It’s simple. Just avoid saying the eight things below:
1. “I have a crush on you.” “Officemances” can happen when you work together and reach an intense level of mutual respect. Sometimes, a “crush” can turn into a real relationship. Still, we recommend you keep your personal and business lives separate. 2. “You know, there was a time when I’d probably suck all your dicks. Even yours, Marsha.” When you reveal this kind of thing to co-workers, it can alienate them. Especially Marsha. 3. “I’m embezzling money from the company. There. I said it. Now you’re all accomplices.” Legally, you haven’t actually implicated your colleagues in your scheme to steal money from your company. But if any of them tell on you then they are officially snitches and cannot be protected. 4. “Under this table is my penis, free and hanging out, like a rope in the wind.” There. You said it. 5. “Can one of you spot me while I try auto erotic asphyxiation in the bathroom?” While it’s important to have a spotter, you can easily do this on your own, with the help of a mannequin and a coat hanger. 6. “I killed someone. And I will kill any of you motherfuckers if you tell on me.” Good job that you’ve threatened potential snitches (see above) but by revealing your crime you’ve essentially created a “snitch farm” in which snitches grow and you must stomp them out before they tell on you. Even if you’ve known them forever, like Gary, can you really be sure they won’t snitch? Can you afford to find out? 7. “I killed our boss.” Why admit to this when it would have been much easier to pin it on Gary (who may be a snitch anyway)? 8. “I’m pretty sure I’m Jesus.” This is one of those moments when you have to decide between putting yourself out there and building a crew of apostles or just shutting your mouth. Choose the latter. You’re god, or the son of god or whatever because you don’t really understand the bible, and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  When the passive aggressive practice of “quiet quitting” hit the workplace a few years ago, Boomers and Gen X-ers were, once again, bemused by yet another childish trend from their juniors. Then came “quiet cracking” in which the hopelessness of having steady employment and receiving a paycheck became a mentally draining event requiring twenty-somethings to seek psychiatric treatment.
A new trend, however, may finally drive managers and owners into early retirement. “Quiet queefing” and “quiet farting” are what many Gen Y and Z employees now do to express dissatisfaction with work hours, benefits, and salaries. What is quiet farting and queefing? Previously known as “silent but deadly” or “who cut the cheese?” and “is that coming from your hoo hoo?” silent farting and queefing involve subtle noises and discharge of fecal vapors intended to protest work conditions. What is most insidious about this office trend is that it is nearly impossible to identify the perpetrator, especially when he or she peers around, surprised, and shares your look of revulsion at the foul odor or noise. We asked Gary Brudbaker of Rheintech Corporation in Cedar Rapids, Iowa about the experience he has had with the younger generation farting and queefing at work. Gary reminded us that he wished to remain anonymous owing to the embarrassing nature of the subject, and we agreed his name would not appear anywhere in our article. Gary went on to explain that during staff meetings in a cramped conference room, there is regular quiet farting, especially if the meeting runs long or gets close to the lunch hour. “It’s just like this sudden dark cloud has taken over the room and no one can be in there much longer or it might become a health issue,” he says. “Sometimes there’s a noise, like a tiny squeak that’s clearly coming from someone’s butt. I scan the room to see if anyone’s laughing or looks embarrassed, but everyone has a poker face.” Gary explains that in one-on-one meetings, quiet farting almost never occurs, although once, a particularly plucky young woman clearly ripped a fart and looked at him as if HE did it. “For a second I started to question if my butt had involuntarily let out a French horn level fart, but I came to my senses and realized my rectal control is way better than that.” Still, the employee held firm and even doubled down by asking him if he needed to “use the bathroom or something?” “That got me,” Gary explains. “When someone asks that it takes you back to all kinds of childhood fears about shitting your pants or coming close to it if you fart too hard. But I held my ground and said no, because I think YOU are the one who farted.” In an almost checkmate response, the employee suggested that “whoever smelt it, dealt it,” to which Gary was paralyzed. “I walked right into it,” he admits. While quiet queefing does not necessarily emit a smell, its unnerving sound can disrupt boardrooms and breakrooms equally. Another anonymous source, Marisol Adams of Brooklyn New York, who was recently terminated as an independent contractor, fancies herself a “Queef Queen,” a Gen-Z term that refers to one’s ability to make a loud noise with one's vagina. During office events, Marisol would regularly “queef one” to disorient and confuse her co-workers. “If I forgot to do something, or I thought I may be asked to explain an assignment I was supposed to prepare but I didn’t, I would just bust a queef and everyone would be like, what?” Unfortunately for Marisol, the sound coming from her cooter area was so pronounced and loud and time consuming that the location was obvious, leading to her eventual dismissal. Witnesses describe the event as being an “exorcist like ordeal in which a deafening queef vibrated the table for minutes.” A current lawsuit brought upon the company by Marisol claims she has a medical condition that requires a frequent “release” whose sound is a side effect. Whether new office policies will address quiet queefing and farting remains to be seen but human resources managers with whom we spoke saw some hope in dealing with the issue. “Just let ‘em do it,” Marsha Hamilton of Sentury Fittings of Ottawatop, Idaho suggested. “This is off the record, but I say, let it rip. I actually like the smell. Don’t print that.” |
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