 One of the advantages of a LinkedIn account is receiving constant updates on how to behave like you’re someone else who’s also better than you. Lately, infographics and commentary have focused on the idea of emailing “like a CEO,” and how regular, unpowerful people can pretend they’re powerful by “emailing” for the job they want and not the lowly one they have.
The Intergalactic Business Report enters the discussion with its own tips for phrasing emails to show that you mean business. Below, we take the common wording underlings like you use and show you how big men (and big ladies) with big penises do it. You’re welcome. ❌ "I need your help with this." ❌ "I'll have this to you by 3pm." ❌ "Can you confirm by Friday?" ❌ "Thank you for your patience." ❌ "I need your expertise on this." ❌ "Have you had time to review?" ❌ "What questions do you have?" ❌ "This needs attention by [date]." ❌ "I've identified a problem with..." ❌ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about..." ❌ "Based on the data, I recommend..." ❌ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline." ✅ “You’re hard. I’m hard. Let’s make this work for both of us.” ✅ "At 3 p.m. my pants will be at my ankles. And you’ll have my report.” ✅ "Can you confirm by Friday that my dick is the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” ✅ "Thank you for your patience. I’m hard now." ✅ "I’m so hard right now. I need your expertise on this. Can you come by my place after work?." ✅ "Have you had time to review the picture of my butthole?" ✅ "What questions do you have about the width/size/capacity of my butthole?" ✅ "This dick needs attention by [date]." ✅ "I've identified a problem with my penis..." ✅ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about my penis size..." ✅ "Based on the data, I recommend you have sex with me..." ✅ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline to pound me from behind."  In an age when freedom of speech and expression are under fire, isn’t it time you stood up and stood out with a tee-shirt nobody else is willing to buy because if he did, he’d get ridiculed and lose his job? Go to the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report and choose your favorite. Go to www.ibrmerch.com and become a new person who risks reputation and civility for the bounties of self-expression. Before you do, answer these simple questions: Question #1: are you strong enough to wear a tee shirt that admits you love huge asses, like this:  Another question: do you have the balls to walk into a work retreat wearing this:  Final question: can you dig deep enough to drive through Arkansas with an expired plate wearing this?  We said the last one was final, but this is really it: are you man/woman/whatever enough to go to a basketball arena with this on your body?  If you answered "yes" to any of these questions hit the button below:
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