 Age discrimination is illegal, we think. Still, you shouldn’t act old around your office because people will secretly make fun of you and think you’re out of touch. If you do any of these sixteen things, you need to stop now and start acting younger.
These behaviors are aging you by decades at work: 1. You spell words. 2. You’ve spent time being bored in your life and don’t need therapy for the PTSD that caused. 3. You have conversations without also checking your Instagram and giggling about it and when someone asks what’s so funny you just say, “Oh, it’s not you.” 4. You have sex without being get choked out while someone puts something in your butt and it’s getting filmed and all the lights are on and you met the person twenty minutes ago on Tinder. 5. You eat food without taking a picture of it. 6. Someone can flirt with you without you filing a lawsuit against them. 7. You don’t eat ass or bleach your asshole because those are assholes. 8. You talk about memories you have without showing people a picture you took of it on your phone. 9. You don’t “identify” as anything because you’re you. 10. You don’t need to tell people your pronouns, because unless they’re writing a novel where you’re the protagonist, there’s probably no reason to put you in third person. 11. You ask co-workers to feed you soup because your arms are so old you can’t lift them anymore. Your mouth can’t chew either. 12. You ask people to communicate with you through telegraphemes. 13. “Sexting” for you is drawing a picture of a dick on the wall of a bathroom stall with your phone number next to it and your phone is a landline attached to an answering machine that says, “When you hear the beep, you know what to do.” 14. You do the “Charleston” when you get excited. 15. You refer to movies as “motion pictures.” 16. You understand Roman numerals.  If you’re a public figure, nothing is more frustrating than being misquoted by the press. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, but other times it’s the result of a purposeful “hit” by a zealous reporter who wants to tarnish your image. Worse is that when newspapers and magazines get it wrong and finally take responsibility for their mistakes, we see this admission buried in their publications under euphemistic or arcane headings like “corrections” or “errata.”
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report will now publish occasional but fully revealing corrections of all the errors we have made or can think of. And we will put it up front, on a page seen by tens of people, so everyone can see it. Below we list those mistakes and plead for your forgiveness.
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