Best Christmas gift ever? Intergalactic Business Report on sale for $7.5 Million.

Take it. Take it now.

After years of giving you news and insights so important they go beyond our galaxy, the Intergalactic Business Report is cashing out and shifting to new ownership. We did not make this decision lightly, and hope the new owners will carry on our attention to detail and service to humanity. We have every confidence they will.
 
Many have questioned our price of $7.5 Million as being far too low, but we felt it very important to sell fast and have our sale coincide with the holidays so we could use a headline about how buying our business would be the best Christmas gift ever. 
 
Indeed, imagine waking up Christmas day to discover your parents bought you a publication you probably never heard of but that you now own. You can be the wondrous child who arrives at our offices as a precocious kid-boss who charms the soured old guard with pure enthusiasm and naiveté.  Soon, you’ll be chomping a candy cigar and barking orders from your knotty-pine desk as decrepit alcoholic editors and writers struggle to bring you stories about twinkies and video games. 
 
Or, you could just be a multi-media conglomerate, who discovers that $7.5 Million is a bargain. A fucking bargain. Because now you own the rights to the volumes of plucky articles and reports that have been enjoyed by tens of readers. You now OWN the inevitable defamation suits from Ryan Reynolds. You now OWN the controversial but historic reporting on the COVID crisis. You now OWN Ed Mountaineer. And you now OWN the patent to the boner silencer. Conglomerate that!
 
Another possibility: you’re in love and you need to impress the girl who has everything. Diamonds and private jets are not enough. Do more. Be better. Buy her an online magazine that celebrates Drunk People Awareness Month and Wet as Fuck February. (We’re assuming your GF has a substance abuse problem because those are the ones you always end up with). 
 
Finally, you’re Mark Cuban and you swoop in to make an offer and do that thing where there’s a shot clock and we just say, yes, we will give you 100% of our company for $7.5 Million and there’s like three seconds left on the shot clock so we made it just in time.
 
Whatever you do, and for whatever reason, just buy us. We guess that’s the most important message here. Also, the Holiday Season. And $7.5 Million. I think we’ve covered everything. 
 
Very very very sincerely,
 
Dusty Latouffe 
 
Supreme Editor, The Intergalactic Business Report

IBR MERCH (NOT for sale unless you want to buy that too)