Brandon Dunnar has a business proposition for you.

Not Brandon Dunnar.

Normally, someone making a business proposition of this magnitude would do it face-to-face and with a specific person. But I’m not normal. That’s why I’m writing this to YOU with the understanding that you know who you are and that you will immediately connect with what I’m proposing and say yes. 
 
I may be downplaying that last part a bit. You won’t just say “yes.” You will jump out of your fucking pants and beg me to do this deal with you. You will jump out of your pants like they are made of demon fleas who will tear the skin off your bones if you don’t get rid of them. You get it.
 
If you’ve kept reading to this point, then congratulations. It means you are quite possibly “the one” who will go into business with me and profit in ways you can’t know or conceive of right now. Are you feeling it? Because I am.
 
I guess it’s time to give more specifics, so let me start with this: I am NOT good with people. That’s where you come in. You’re smart, but not too smart. You’re able to have a conversation with someone where it’s not screaming or trying to grab their nuts. You’re able to sense when someone is saying something that isn’t threatening and are able to regulate your feelings when that happens instead of physically assaulting them or screaming. YOU are going to be all those things because I can’t. 
 
That’s what you bring to the table. But how about me? I bring something very unusual that other humans do not have. I am able to do things that most people would see and say, “why is that guy playing with himself in the middle of the highway” or, “did that guy seriously just take a dump on the floor of Pottery Barn?” It’s that kind of stuff that I can do that others fail at accomplishing. It’s also why the two of us are going to dominate so hard. 
 
Let me explain this as an analogy. You act normal while I do the other stuff. I guess that’s not an analogy. How about this? There’s an untrained chimpanzee (me) who’s been let out of a cage and he’s at a mall, just ripping people’s faces off. You (you) are at the mall. I think that’s how this is going to work.
 
Hold on, you’re saying. What EXACTLY is our business going to be? To that, I will say this: LET ME COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE TO EXPLAIN. Obviously, I’m not going reveal my ideas right here. But if you’re serious about your future, you will want to get all the information and that means me in your house, explaining it. 
 
Are you confused? That’s good. Because confusion is just curiosity without the “onfusion” and before you add the “uriosity.” 
 
Imagine being able to get an internship with Einstein or DaVinci. That would be awesome, right? With me, it will be like having an internship with a chimpanzee who’s been let out of his cage. No theory of relativity. No cool inventions. Just a lot of face ripping and poo flinging. The way it should be.  

Still need convincing? Here’s a hundred-dollar bill. Take it. Really. Just take it. What’s that? Did you say it’s impossible to take a hundred-dollar bill from just reading this? Then tell me where you live and I will show up and give you the money IN PERSON. 
 
I swear, sometimes when I look in your eyes, I see myself. In the reflection. Think about that for a second. Me. In your home. You. Looking at me. Me. Seeing myself in your eyes as I explain the greatest business opportunity you have ever heard of in your life.  You. Accepting our new relationship. Us. In a high-level business meeting with investors. You. Showing them a pitch deck. Me. Screaming and showing them my balls. Us. Signing a multi-billion-dollar deal. It’s that simple. 
 
In conclusion, I am extremely pleased that you have entered a legally-binding, lifetime business and personal relationship with me that can never be terminated and that you and I will essentially die together, most likely because I will literally drive us off a cliff in my retrofitted camper van, which is where we will live together until I do that. 
 
By reading this, you have given me written consent to enter your life as your best friend, guardian, and, most importantly, boss. Your percentage in our business is determined on a fluctuating scale that either rises or diminishes based on my assessment of how much you are meeting my needs and expectations and will massively fluctuate throughout each day. You will drive the camper van. You will clean out the poop from the camper van. The camper van, by the way, does not have a toilet.
 
Please send your address. 
 
Your boss,
 
Brandon Dunnar
 
 
Brandon Dunnar is a dealmaker and your new boss. He has no association with the Intergalactic Business Report but we will forward your information to him if you contact us at [email protected]

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