 The Double Whopper Opportunity Project will upgrade meals for millions. We all want to become better people—especially during Christmastime. But we fall short when we descend into the numbness of consumer culture and gifts that show how much we spent instead of how much we care.
This holiday, the Intergalactic Business Report challenges you to make your presents ones that serve humanity. It’s easy to contribute yourself or on behalf of a friend or family member. We take pride in identifying good causes and below, we list our four favorite charities we feel need special help right now. Consider making a difference and donating to: The most overlooked charities you can contribute to this holiday. Streaker Relief Fund. What happens when you sneak onto the field of a professional sports game, take your clothes off, and run around to the delight of fans? Answer: you get tackled, cuffed, and roughly “escorted” off. For viewers like you, it seems like a gentle game of who’s that naked guy getting trucked by those dudes in yellow jackets, but, in reality, it’s a terrifying moment for the nude man who is simply trying to make his way around the field, court, or crowded mall. In a few seconds, his life can change as streakers are 1000% more likely than other humans to be injured while running without clothes on. The Streaker Relief Fund offers medical reimbursement, legal aid, and shelter to streakers who haven’t “made it” through the gauntlet of security guards, players, and tasers… because no one ever does. The Streaker Relief Fund also works to support legislation to make it legal for both registered and unregistered (spur of the moment) streakers to interrupt sports competitions by running around naked without the fear of being “taken down” by officials and security personnel. Instead, everyone will have to just sit there and watch till the streaker tires and leaves on his own accord. With your help, streakers everywhere can have a life where dignity and safety come first. For just $17 a month, you can sponsor your own streaker by providing him legal assistance, a private changing area, and medical coverage. Double Whopper Opportunity Project. Millions of people in the U.S. face a dilemma each day when they visit a Burger King restaurant—do they order a single or double Whopper? While this seems like an easy choice (one double Whopper, please), did you know that many Americans can only afford the single? The single whopper offers a mere 670 calories and if you stretch your budget to add cheese, you only get it up to around 760 calories. Compare that to a full double Whopper with cheese at 1040 calories and you start to see the gap between rich and poor. The estimated cost difference among Whoppers can be anywhere from $2.50 to a staggering four dollars more and to many, this is unaffordable. The Double Whopper Opportunity Project (DWOP) seeks to compel Burger King locations everywhere to upgrade single Whoppers to double Whoppers (with cheese) to anyone who orders one regardless of income, age, or if they say they only want a single Whopper with no cheese. Using a massive “Whopper Fund,” which starts with your donation, DWOP will directly pay Burger King to instill this new policy. With a mere 1.7 billion dollars, we feel we can accomplish this ambitious goal. But we need your help. Will you consider a gift of half your yearly income (for one year only!) to support people who need more from their sandwich? Whether you make $50K a year, or a million, every contribution has an impact. All we ask is half of what you make to make someone’s meal whole. Time’s running out, so donate to the DWOP, on the double! White Woman/Homeless Man Exchange Program. White women everywhere, but particularly in the suburbs of major cities, have a problem they can’t solve on their own—how to truly serve at-risk and in-need citizens in urban areas who don’t have homes and aren’t satisfied with the food and shelters provided them. The pain for white women is real. As they shop at Whole Foods and have lawn care people set up their Christmas lights, they feel a constant sense of dread as they watch MSNOW and only have the conviction to lowly mutter phrases like “you go girl” as they watch female “people of color” say things. In their hearts they know they can’t just give money, lecture neighbors, and say, “you go girl” and make a true difference in the lives of the underprivileged. They also don’t want to give away all their money and live in a box out of solidarity. The White Woman/Homeless Man Exchange Program offers suburban women the opportunity to feel like they gave all their money away and now live in a box by switching roles with a carefully chosen street person from the city. Here’s how it works: we rate your neighborhood by level of affluence and match you with a homeless man whose poverty is commensurate. We “trading places” you with this man and you must figure out a way to regain your spot in your own household, thus teaching you both a lesson in power dynamics, social disparity, and how houses smell when a man who refuses to take a shower and attempts to set your pets on fire lives there. We’re not asking for money—just your time. Your time spent living on the streets and fending for yourself as a person who could be mentally deranged and addicted to drugs changes spots with you for the foreseeable future. Contact us today to get matched to your homeless man so we can get YOU on the street and HIM in your house before Christmas. We Are All Flashers. Let’s be honest. We all have sexual proclivities, but some of us have ones that make us do them in public. While you may be into nasty stuff you’re embarrassed to share, there are some Americans who are unable to fulfill their sexual desires without exposing themselves in public. We Are All Flashers is a charity with a simple message: Everyone has sexual kinks so support people who do this one. For the most part, flashing is a victimless crime in which you get “flashed” by a guy who finds satisfaction in going to a park, for example, and showing his naked body to the public. Is that so different than the feet stuff you’re into? While some people do report trauma from flashing events, the vast majority of those who are flashed say it was either just “weird,” “disturbing,” or “a little scary.” And after the flashing is over, the flasher almost always runs away. We Are All Flashers works with communities to provide safe zones in which people who are basically O.K. with flashers understand that they are in an area in which flashing is accepted. For instance, a huge sign will be placed at the entrance to parks listing it as a “flasher zone” and that flashing is only permitted during certain hours, making it safe for flashers and flashed alike. This Holiday Season, open your heart so we can open our raincoats. Your dollars go directly to support local legislation to open “flasher zones” in your municipality and a small portion to fund raincoats and breakaway clothing for flashers who can’t afford their own. Please give today.  This is now cool to do on LinkedIn. It had to happen eventually. LinkedIn, the social media equivalent of having brunch with your boss, is becoming the place where you tell your boss off color jokes and get way too personal over Mimosas.
What was once a forum for simply announcing to the professional world that you didn’t “like to post about yourself but” you won an award no one’s ever heard of and that you were “more than thrilled to announce” you accepted a new job nobody cares about, is now edging toward you trying to gain a following through your totally original political views, funny as hell videos, and posts about your self-published book on leadership. LinkedIn looks more and more like Instagram if they had a “safe” version for teens (whoops, they have that already) and people like you wonder whether they should just start posting photos of their families and thirst memes or if they should stay with trying to act like a serious businessperson, as if that’s actually a thing. As we always do, the Intergalactic Business Report helps you navigate this new world of “cool” LinkedIn by listing what you should or shouldn’t do when posting. 8 tips for being cool on LinkedIn. -Go ahead and post a picture of you with your shirt off in front of a mirror and say you’re “more than thrilled to announce I’ve increased my delt size by 1/16th of an inch.” -Tease showing your tits but don’t reveal nipples. -Limit references to Hitler as a CEO. -No “beef” videos where you call out a former boss for being a little bitch. -When you announce a promotion, don’t post slo-mo videos of you pouring money on strippers. -Tattoo reveals are now fine. -Do an “on the street” interview where you walk around your office asking people who they think their hottest co-worker is. -Great idea: post a video of your boss giving a speech while you “react” to it on a different screen. If you’re not sure how to do this, just look confused sometimes, then nod, then sometimes point at the screen with your boss on it. Then shake your head no. It doesn’t need to make sense.  Age discrimination is illegal, we think. Still, you shouldn’t act old around your office because people will secretly make fun of you and think you’re out of touch. If you do any of these sixteen things, you need to stop now and start acting younger.
These behaviors are aging you by decades at work: 1. You spell words. 2. You’ve spent time being bored in your life and don’t need therapy for the PTSD that caused. 3. You have conversations without also checking your Instagram and giggling about it and when someone asks what’s so funny you just say, “Oh, it’s not you.” 4. You have sex without being get choked out while someone puts something in your butt and it’s getting filmed and all the lights are on and you met the person twenty minutes ago on Tinder. 5. You eat food without taking a picture of it. 6. Someone can flirt with you without you filing a lawsuit against them. 7. You don’t eat ass or bleach your asshole because those are assholes. 8. You talk about memories you have without showing people a picture you took of it on your phone. 9. You don’t “identify” as anything because you’re you. 10. You don’t need to tell people your pronouns, because unless they’re writing a novel where you’re the protagonist, there’s probably no reason to put you in third person. 11. You ask co-workers to feed you soup because your arms are so old you can’t lift them anymore. Your mouth can’t chew either. 12. You ask people to communicate with you through telegraphemes. 13. “Sexting” for you is drawing a picture of a dick on the wall of a bathroom stall with your phone number next to it and your phone is a landline attached to an answering machine that says, “When you hear the beep, you know what to do.” 14. You do the “Charleston” when you get excited. 15. You refer to movies as “motion pictures.” 16. You understand Roman numerals.  If you’re a public figure, nothing is more frustrating than being misquoted by the press. Sometimes it’s a misunderstanding, but other times it’s the result of a purposeful “hit” by a zealous reporter who wants to tarnish your image. Worse is that when newspapers and magazines get it wrong and finally take responsibility for their mistakes, we see this admission buried in their publications under euphemistic or arcane headings like “corrections” or “errata.”
To counter this, the Intergalactic Business Report will now publish occasional but fully revealing corrections of all the errors we have made or can think of. And we will put it up front, on a page seen by tens of people, so everyone can see it. Below we list those mistakes and plead for your forgiveness.
 One of the advantages of a LinkedIn account is receiving constant updates on how to behave like you’re someone else who’s also better than you. Lately, infographics and commentary have focused on the idea of emailing “like a CEO,” and how regular, unpowerful people can pretend they’re powerful by “emailing” for the job they want and not the lowly one they have.
The Intergalactic Business Report enters the discussion with its own tips for phrasing emails to show that you mean business. Below, we take the common wording underlings like you use and show you how big men (and big ladies) with big penises do it. You’re welcome. ❌ "I need your help with this." ❌ "I'll have this to you by 3pm." ❌ "Can you confirm by Friday?" ❌ "Thank you for your patience." ❌ "I need your expertise on this." ❌ "Have you had time to review?" ❌ "What questions do you have?" ❌ "This needs attention by [date]." ❌ "I've identified a problem with..." ❌ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about..." ❌ "Based on the data, I recommend..." ❌ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline." ✅ “You’re hard. I’m hard. Let’s make this work for both of us.” ✅ "At 3 p.m. my pants will be at my ankles. And you’ll have my report.” ✅ "Can you confirm by Friday that my dick is the biggest one you’ve ever seen?” ✅ "Thank you for your patience. I’m hard now." ✅ "I’m so hard right now. I need your expertise on this. Can you come by my place after work?." ✅ "Have you had time to review the picture of my butthole?" ✅ "What questions do you have about the width/size/capacity of my butthole?" ✅ "This dick needs attention by [date]." ✅ "I've identified a problem with my penis..." ✅ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about my penis size..." ✅ "Based on the data, I recommend you have sex with me..." ✅ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline to pound me from behind."  In an age when freedom of speech and expression are under fire, isn’t it time you stood up and stood out with a tee-shirt nobody else is willing to buy because if he did, he’d get ridiculed and lose his job? Go to the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report and choose your favorite. Go to www.ibrmerch.com and become a new person who risks reputation and civility for the bounties of self-expression. Before you do, answer these simple questions: Question #1: are you strong enough to wear a tee shirt that admits you love huge asses, like this:  Another question: do you have the balls to walk into a work retreat wearing this:  Final question: can you dig deep enough to drive through Arkansas with an expired plate wearing this?  We said the last one was final, but this is really it: are you man/woman/whatever enough to go to a basketball arena with this on your body?  If you answered "yes" to any of these questions hit the button below:
 AI offers the stupendous possibility that dumb people will finally be able to use a robot/computer to even their odds with smart people. It also offers the stupendous possibility that lazy people will finally be able to even their odds with hard working people. We put this to the test as our own Cedric Bigglestone took one crumpled hundred-dollar bill and gave it to ChatGPT to turn into a fortune. What could be easier and lazier? We expected untold wealth but instead learned some terrible secrets about what working with artificial intelligence really entails. Cedric’s report, below:
What I learned when I gave ChatGPT 100 dollars to make me rich.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected].  Work friends can be true friends. After all, we spend more time with them than with our own families. They know us well and we know them. But after a few post-work drinks, things can get personal—maybe too much so. How do you draw the line between what is colleague appropriate and what’s not? It’s simple. Just avoid saying the eight things below:
1. “I have a crush on you.” “Officemances” can happen when you work together and reach an intense level of mutual respect. Sometimes, a “crush” can turn into a real relationship. Still, we recommend you keep your personal and business lives separate. 2. “You know, there was a time when I’d probably suck all your dicks. Even yours, Marsha.” When you reveal this kind of thing to co-workers, it can alienate them. Especially Marsha. 3. “I’m embezzling money from the company. There. I said it. Now you’re all accomplices.” Legally, you haven’t actually implicated your colleagues in your scheme to steal money from your company. But if any of them tell on you then they are officially snitches and cannot be protected. 4. “Under this table is my penis, free and hanging out, like a rope in the wind.” There. You said it. 5. “Can one of you spot me while I try auto erotic asphyxiation in the bathroom?” While it’s important to have a spotter, you can easily do this on your own, with the help of a mannequin and a coat hanger. 6. “I killed someone. And I will kill any of you motherfuckers if you tell on me.” Good job that you’ve threatened potential snitches (see above) but by revealing your crime you’ve essentially created a “snitch farm” in which snitches grow and you must stomp them out before they tell on you. Even if you’ve known them forever, like Gary, can you really be sure they won’t snitch? Can you afford to find out? 7. “I killed our boss.” Why admit to this when it would have been much easier to pin it on Gary (who may be a snitch anyway)? 8. “I’m pretty sure I’m Jesus.” This is one of those moments when you have to decide between putting yourself out there and building a crew of apostles or just shutting your mouth. Choose the latter. You’re god, or the son of god or whatever because you don’t really understand the bible, and you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.  When the passive aggressive practice of “quiet quitting” hit the workplace a few years ago, Boomers and Gen X-ers were, once again, bemused by yet another childish trend from their juniors. Then came “quiet cracking” in which the hopelessness of having steady employment and receiving a paycheck became a mentally draining event requiring twenty-somethings to seek psychiatric treatment.
A new trend, however, may finally drive managers and owners into early retirement. “Quiet queefing” and “quiet farting” are what many Gen Y and Z employees now do to express dissatisfaction with work hours, benefits, and salaries. What is quiet farting and queefing? Previously known as “silent but deadly” or “who cut the cheese?” and “is that coming from your hoo hoo?” silent farting and queefing involve subtle noises and discharge of fecal vapors intended to protest work conditions. What is most insidious about this office trend is that it is nearly impossible to identify the perpetrator, especially when he or she peers around, surprised, and shares your look of revulsion at the foul odor or noise. We asked Gary Brudbaker of Rheintech Corporation in Cedar Rapids, Iowa about the experience he has had with the younger generation farting and queefing at work. Gary reminded us that he wished to remain anonymous owing to the embarrassing nature of the subject, and we agreed his name would not appear anywhere in our article. Gary went on to explain that during staff meetings in a cramped conference room, there is regular quiet farting, especially if the meeting runs long or gets close to the lunch hour. “It’s just like this sudden dark cloud has taken over the room and no one can be in there much longer or it might become a health issue,” he says. “Sometimes there’s a noise, like a tiny squeak that’s clearly coming from someone’s butt. I scan the room to see if anyone’s laughing or looks embarrassed, but everyone has a poker face.” Gary explains that in one-on-one meetings, quiet farting almost never occurs, although once, a particularly plucky young woman clearly ripped a fart and looked at him as if HE did it. “For a second I started to question if my butt had involuntarily let out a French horn level fart, but I came to my senses and realized my rectal control is way better than that.” Still, the employee held firm and even doubled down by asking him if he needed to “use the bathroom or something?” “That got me,” Gary explains. “When someone asks that it takes you back to all kinds of childhood fears about shitting your pants or coming close to it if you fart too hard. But I held my ground and said no, because I think YOU are the one who farted.” In an almost checkmate response, the employee suggested that “whoever smelt it, dealt it,” to which Gary was paralyzed. “I walked right into it,” he admits. While quiet queefing does not necessarily emit a smell, its unnerving sound can disrupt boardrooms and breakrooms equally. Another anonymous source, Marisol Adams of Brooklyn New York, who was recently terminated as an independent contractor, fancies herself a “Queef Queen,” a Gen-Z term that refers to one’s ability to make a loud noise with one's vagina. During office events, Marisol would regularly “queef one” to disorient and confuse her co-workers. “If I forgot to do something, or I thought I may be asked to explain an assignment I was supposed to prepare but I didn’t, I would just bust a queef and everyone would be like, what?” Unfortunately for Marisol, the sound coming from her cooter area was so pronounced and loud and time consuming that the location was obvious, leading to her eventual dismissal. Witnesses describe the event as being an “exorcist like ordeal in which a deafening queef vibrated the table for minutes.” A current lawsuit brought upon the company by Marisol claims she has a medical condition that requires a frequent “release” whose sound is a side effect. Whether new office policies will address quiet queefing and farting remains to be seen but human resources managers with whom we spoke saw some hope in dealing with the issue. “Just let ‘em do it,” Marsha Hamilton of Sentury Fittings of Ottawatop, Idaho suggested. “This is off the record, but I say, let it rip. I actually like the smell. Don’t print that.”  The Intergalactic Business Report’s version of the Pulitzer Prize goes to New York Post reporter Asia Grace, whose work is described by our selection committee as “the kind of journalism that answers the questions most people are afraid to ask, or would never think of asking, or wouldn’t ask because why would you, or YOU would ask, but that’s just you.”
The committee points to Ms. Grace’s work on TSA airport security as one of the central reasons for her winning the award. Her articles on big butts and swamp crotch setting off airport security alarms are cherished by IBR editors as “breakthrough coverage of events that affect Americans with huge asses and poor taint hygiene daily.” Grace’s work on other issues such as parents who use ChatGPT to raise their children and moms who sell their breast milk to support their lavish lifestyles certainly raised her status in the final decision, according to Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor. “Everything Asia Grace does is something we look up to at IBR. Her work is connected to us in a very real way. It’s as if she is writing articles that would appear in our magazine. She is probably the greatest swamp crotch/big booty/breast milk reporter we have ever had the pleasure to read.” While the Intergalactic Business Report’s Excellence in Journalism award comes with no cash prize or even physical trophy, it is stated clearly in the award’s rules that the recipient will be “regaled with praise and honor only bestowed upon her/him in this situation, time, and, place,” and that the winner will also get “the moral and pyrrhic victory associated with receiving recognition from a publication whose readers are certified as mentally disabled.” Congratulations, Asia. |
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