Email like a CEO, because you’re not one.

​One of the advantages of a LinkedIn account is receiving constant updates on how to behave like you’re someone else who’s also better than you. Lately, infographics and commentary have focused on the idea of emailing “like a CEO,” and how regular, unpowerful people can pretend they’re powerful by “emailing” for the job they want and not the lowly one they have. 
 
The Intergalactic Business Report enters the discussion with its own tips for phrasing emails to show that you mean business. Below, we take the common wording underlings like you use and show you how big men (and big ladies) with big penises do it.  You’re welcome.
 
 
❌ "I need your help with this."
❌ "I'll have this to you by 3pm."
❌ "Can you confirm by Friday?"
❌ "Thank you for your patience."
❌ "I need your expertise on this."
❌ "Have you had time to review?"
❌ "What questions do you have?"
❌ "This needs attention by [date]."
❌ "I've identified a problem with..."
❌ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about..."
❌ "Based on the data, I recommend..."
❌ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline."
 
 
✅ “You’re hard. I’m hard. Let’s make this work for both of us.”
✅ "At 3 p.m. my pants will be at my ankles. And you’ll have my report.”
✅ "Can you confirm by Friday that my dick is the biggest one you’ve ever seen?”
✅ "Thank you for your patience. I’m hard now."
✅ "I’m so hard right now. I need your expertise on this. Can you come by my place after work?."
✅ "Have you had time to review the picture of my butthole?"
✅ "What questions do you have about the width/size/capacity of my butthole?"
✅ "This dick needs attention by [date]."
✅ "I've identified a problem with my penis..."
✅ "Hi Bethany, I'm reaching out about my penis size..."
✅ "Based on the data, I recommend you have sex with me..."
✅ "Please confirm you can meet this deadline to pound me from behind."

Wear a tee like a CEO