Inflation? What’s that? How to thrive in the current economy with these six tips.

Depending on the source, the U.S. economy is either the strongest it’s ever been or on the verge of collapse. As the top business publication in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report issues its own forecast that will make consumers feel much better about their financial situation. 
 
Our analysts* have found that many of the perceived problems of inflation, housing scarcity, and interest rates can be easily countered using six strategies, outlined below:
 
 
1. Don’t buy, purchase, or pay for anything.
One of the biggest mistakes many of us make is to take our money and spend it on things. This is when inflation bites hardest. By simply putting away your wallet, you can keep rising costs at bay. If you don’t pay for anything, then it doesn’t matter how much it costs.
 
2. Use credit cards where you aren’t the “bill payer.”
A common error consumers make is using credit cards that require them to pay a bill at the end of the month. Typically, Americans apply for credit, receive a card, and then charge purchases. At the end of the month, the credit card company asks for a payment and if you cannot give them the full amount of the bill, you are charged interest. Our advice is simple: find a credit card that doesn’t require you to pay a bill. This could mean one in which another party (like a friend or family member) is responsible for payment, or a card issued by a magic elf or fairy, who sprinkles “payment dust” on the card, making it invulnerable to incurring debt. 
 
3. Barter instead of using cash or credit. 
Cash is a relatively new concept. Direct exchange of goods and services is an age-old method of avoiding inflation, since the value is tied to a joint decision made by the barterers. In today’s age, of course, we don’t offer a cow for ten chickens so a typical exchange now may be a carton of milk for oral sex.
 
4. Don’t underestimate the value of your own body parts. 
Remember you have two kidneys, two lungs, and two hearts. All of these can be worth money or, in some cases, a night of drinks with some Albanians, who remove them while you sleep in a bathtub. 
 
5. Don’t forget about oral sex. 
We kind of got into this in number 3 (above) but can’t emphasis enough how it can really transcend money, especially if you’re decent at it. Not only can you get groceries and gas, but also other stuff, like cigarettes and even transportation (where you suck a trucker’s dick and he drives you through Kansas, for example). 
 
6. You can also do other sex stuff.
Pound or get pounded. Just do it for goods, services, or cash. Many consumers overlook this simple, satisfying inflation stomper and, instead, limit themselves to blowjobs, or, even stupider, do sex for free. Pro tip: if you want to make optimal money, set a beer can on your back and if it falls off, they owe you five bucks (every time). 
 
*People who have anal sex.

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