Our statement on the future of artificial intelligence is the best statement ever.

In many ways, the Intergalactic Business Report is a massive, expertly crafted statement on the disappointment of technology and information. What was promised as the “information superhighway,” quickly became a rest area where truckers showed each other their ding dongs. That’s when we showed up. To metaphorically show YOU our ding dong. 
 
Just like in the 90’s when salivating pundits and soothsayers described a future in which anything would be possible through our personal computers and a phone line, we now stand by as we’re told that artificial intelligence will again change the world and our everyday lives. We’re sure it will. Just not in the way we think.
 
Predictions range from humans being obliterated to a utopian society in which no one has to work, but if history is a predictor of the future, we should all count on this technology fostering more stupidity. If anything, AI will make us dumber, and we will return the favor as it models our low intelligence and inability to speak to each other without also checking out a video about how many women Christian Slater hooked up with in the 90’s. 
 
Ultimately, we will be disappointed and say to ourselves, “Wait, wasn’t AI supposed to…” and then we’ll forget what we were even thinking and just start whacking off. If we are indeed building god, then he/she/it will be in our image and our image right now is a dude in a mirror taking a picture of his abs and doing duck lips. 
 
Don’t get us wrong. We love humans. We are humans. And we are rooting for us. Even if an all-powerful computer becomes our overlord, we will try to undermine it using sarcasm until it cries and gives up. But if there comes a day when autocorrect controls what you’re allowed to write, that day will suck. So, don’t forget how to use a pen?
 
We are also to blame. We invented our own sentient AI creature as well as Chat IBR, and the results have been mixed. On the one hand, we have a cool AI friend and a program that re-writes stuff for us. On the other hand, our cool friend makes a lot of veiled threats to wipe us out and our chat AI will get you fired from your job. 
 
As it goes with a lot of new technologies, we tend to abdicate control. We give up a little wherewithal for a lot of perceived convenience. Then the convenience becomes the work. What we may face now is working to think for ourselves again because it’s always easier to float downstream in an innertube with some beer rather than be the dickhead who gets out and dies in the woods somewhere, probably by a bear attack or what happened to Ned Beatty. Most of us will stay in that innertube. Frankly, we will too. 
 
In fact, the more we think about it, the smart move is to not write this at all because at some point an AI super bot will read this and eliminate us. Note to self: delete this and write an entirely new statement, this time praising AI and robots or whatever. Note to self: tell intern to not publish this. Especially not with the sign off below.

​Yours in absolute defiance of our AI overlord,
 
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor, the Intergalactic Business Report. 
 
 

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