There you are. Sitting in the conference room of dreams and trying to keep your mind in place while your prospective employers pepper you with questions. Your taco hole opens to respond, but you’re not sure what mouth words to make and you panic. Should you compliment them on something? Give them your salary requirements? Ask where the bathroom is?
Whatever you say, don’t say the following nine deadly interview enders:
1. “When I walked into your building I had a premonition of it all burning down and me, just standing there in the rubble, laughing.”
2. “I don’t know what you just asked because I was thinking about porn. So, let’s change the subject for a second. If this were a porn, which one of you would have the largest dong? And, follow up question, can we make this whole thing into a porn? Right now?”
3. “Bee boo boop beep. That’s my tech knowledge.”
4. “Before I answer that question, I just want to clarify something. I don’t make booty calls. I TAKE booty calls. Now what were you saying?”
5. “There’s Grover, I guess. But I think he’s probably fucking Cookie Monster or Oscar, because Oscar is nasty and he’ll have sex with anyone. I’m sorry, didn’t you just ask me about Sesame Street?”
6. “In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters. Not you. Not the other guy there, whose name I forget. None of you matter. I matter. But that’s just because I’m alone in the universe and none of you exist.”
7. “I’m gonna rap my answer to that question. Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone give me a fucking beat? Jesus. Forget it.”
8. “Let me just say this. Clowns aren’t born. Clowns are made. Who made you people into such clowns?”
9. “I’ve had my finger up my butt this whole time. Can you repeat the question?”
A toxic colleague can be hard to spot. They tend to subtly chip away at office morale in ways you may not even notice. Below we list what toxic people almost always do at work but that often goes under the radar. Many of these behaviors appear normal on the surface, but they actually show a deeper and almost undetectable level of disdain for co-workers. Look out for these seven signs:
1. He lights you on fire and says, “Sick burn!”
2. Whenever you find her in the break room squatting over a pot of coffee, she says she’s having “lady problems” and acts offended. Then a few minutes later, she brings you coffee.
3. At a baby shower, she comes dressed as a baby and takes all the gifts.
4. On an office retreat, he shows a power point presentation of himself, four hours earlier, wearing the bagels and donuts you just ate, on his dick.
5. He replaces your food in the breakroom fridge with perfect replicas made of laxatives and lab-grade cocaine.
6. When someone has a minor injury, she jumps in and says she used to be a nurse/paramedic/pre-med student and then goes straight to a full anal probe with a stapler.
7. When you leave work, he’s almost always just sitting there in the back seat of your car. And when you ask him to leave, he pretends he can’t speak. Then, when you finally drive away, he waits till you’re on the highway and asks if you can drop him off at his house, which is 25 miles in the opposite direction. Then he acts like he’s going to murder you for the rest of the ride.
1. Newharting: This is where couples buy historic Inns in Vermont just to have sex in them.
2. Apocolypsing: Ultra-wealthy couples buy cult compounds and then bring an actual end of days upon them, which is kind of a win-win for everyone involved.
3. Playing HORSE for body parts: This is just like the basketball game HORSE, only every time a poor person misses a shot, he has to donate an organ or limb to his rich sponsor.
4. Paying poor people to live in the middle ages: Full medieval villages are constructed for this real life gaming experience where struggling actors are paid to play peasants in the roles of their lives (because they sign contracts to do this for, literally, the rest of their lives). The rich people live in castles because they’re the kings and queens, and they show up occasionally to rule over their serfs. Sometimes, they need to put down a revolt. Other times, there’s a drought. It just kind of depends.
5. Fake UFOing: Some super-wealthy people construct multi-million dollar flying machines that they take around rural areas at night just to fuck with people. In a recent news story, multi-billionaire Jeffrey Von Dunnestead was arrested for landing, capturing, and probing two men he came upon near a Nebraska cornfield. He said he was just joking and was released immediately.
6. Telemarketing: In high-stakes contests with other rich people, the ultra-wealthy compete to see if they can sell random shit to middle-class Americans who are trying to eat dinner and hear the phone ring and then argue about answering it because it’s probably a telemarketer.
7. Shoeselling: Here, rich foot fetishists buy shoe stores just so they can go in and touch your feet. They have no intention of selling you the shoes. They don’t even really understand how money on that level works anymore.
8. Demolition Yacht Derby: This yearly event takes place in different high-end yachting locations (see: Saint-Tropez, Monaco, Ibiza) where the super-wealthy watch from the docks as their captains smash their boats into each other till they all just sink.
9. Manwich night: Instead of caviar and Dom Perignon, the super wealthy now ironically hold “manwich nights” where they imbibe Miller High Life and eat sloppy joes.
Avoid using these common passive aggressive phrases the next time you send an email:
1. “Go fuck yourself. I fucking hate you, Ricky. I wish you’d just fucking quit or die, but mostly die.”
2. “I just want to thank you for being such a dumb fuck. It makes me feel better about myself knowing there’s someone dumber than me in this world.”
3. “Let’s have lunch sometime soon so I can tell you to your face what a cocksucker you are.”
4. “I want to thank you in advance for completely fucking up this project. I’m just predicting the future here.”
5. “I hate to ask this, but can you have plastic surgery so that I forget what your face looks like?”
6. “Hope you had a great weekend just fucking around while I had to spend mine fixing all your fucking mistakes, you fucking fuckhead.”
When you’re at work, you want to be the best fake person you can possibly be. But all too often you unwittingly fail by committing any of these ten errors in presenting yourself to your colleagues, bosses, or clients.
To help get your fakeness back on track, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers what you’re doing that’s holding you back. Change these today or have your job go away.
ERROR ONE: You hold four-hour-long séances in the break room where you try to contact the ghost of the sandwich you ate last week.
ERROR TWO: When your boss asks you if you have a report ready, you pull out your penis, look down, and say, “Yes. It’s ready.”
ERROR THREE: You hide in coat closets and then hand people their coats when they’re ready to leave. When Janice forgot to grab her coat one Friday, you spent the weekend in there, waiting…
ERROR FOUR: At the office Halloween party, you fill your pants with apples and try to hold a bobbing contest.
ERROR FIVE: Every time Brett from accounting asks for your receipts, you start speaking a fake, offensive, Chinese-sounding language until he just walks away.
ERROR SIX: You consider your scrotum a pet and let it out on “bring your pet to the office” day.
ERROR SEVEN: You adore Steve from sales so much that you announce to everyone that you’re formally adopting him, even though he’s older than you and has complained to HR that you keep appearing in the back seat of his car. You continue on with the adoption process anyway.
ERROR EIGHT: People aren’t allowed in the bathroom unless they can answer one of your riddles or wrestle you down. And you don’t even know the answers to your riddles anymore because you ran out of good ones and just make stuff up now like: “What’s bigger than a breadbox but also exactly the same size as a breadbox?”
ERROR NINE: You call emergency meetings and when everyone gets there you just ask, “Who’s ready to jam?” And then you wait…
ERROR TEN: You’ve decided that you will speak Klingon and that everyone needs to adapt to this change. Only you don’t speak Klingon and when some IT guys try to speak it to you, you just have to grunt and kind of pretend you agree with whatever they’re saying.
This executive reviewed more than 20,000 résumés and found these stunning errors. Here is his open letter to job seekers.
Dear Job Hunters:
As a top executive at a major U.S. company, I want to give you some crucial insights into what people like me look for in a résumé. How closely you read this could make or break your job search.
First, a little about me. I am an important person not only in my company, but also my community. If you were to see me driving around my neighborhood, you’d probably say something like, “Wow, that guy has an expensive car.” That’s because I use money my company pays me to buy expensive cars. I also have a pretty gigantic house. So, I have those two things that are pretty impressive.
Back to your résumé. As the headline attests, I have reviewed more than 20,000 of these and found some horrible errors in them. These include formatting and typos. To be more specific, I found that some spacing was off and that some words were misspelled, which is a clear sign that whoever prepared the document will make a poor employee.
I believe the most important part of my job is to find tiny mistakes made by people I don’t even know and then to extrapolate those in order to make broad judgments about their character and ability. I pretty much spend all my time doing this because, as an executive, I am more effective as someone who points things out rather than someone who actually does things.
You may not know this, but top executives like me have risen to the high levels we enjoy because we have an innate ability to find trivial faults with everyone besides ourselves. This is something you should be working on too, if you want to succeed and advance quickly. One way to show someone like me that you have this potential is to add the following kinds of details to your résumé:
Account Executive, Creative Juices Advertising Agency.
In this role, I found more copy errors than anyone on my team. I was able to point out obscure ways that people had fucked up and bring these revelations to upper management, which demoted, laid off, suspended, or fired the perpetrators.
Assistant Manager, sales, Boondoggle Corporation.
I sucked my supervisor’s dick and I will suck yours too.
Those were two actual excerpts from job applicants I hired on the spot. Notice how both talked about their applicable skills and how these each led to a quantifiable result. In the first case, the errors the candidate found in her colleagues’ work led to those colleagues getting totally fucked by management. In the second example, the candidate clearly stated he would suck my cock. When I read a résumé like that, I know that if I hire that person, he will suck my dick, probably on the first day. Hired.
Some final words of advice. Job hunting is tough work. It’s like a job. It’s like sucking a dick but not getting paid for it. But it’s also a rewarding way to challenge yourself to become your best you, which is someone who gets paid to point out other people's mistakes and, yes, even suck a little dick sometimes.
Think about not only how you’ll benefit from a new job, but how your boss, someone like me, will. Think about my ginormous house and my sick sports car. Those should be incentive enough for you to avoid typos and formatting mistakes.
Thanks, and good luck!
*Stan Berkeshirehammer asked that his name be redacted (whatever that means) from this piece. We honored that request.
You want more money. You deserve more money. Or at least you want more money. So you walk into your boss’s office and give him your pitch. Unfortunately, he’s heard it all before and you are painfully ill-prepared to change his mind.
Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you this exclusive advice on how to boss your boss. These five tactics will put you in charge. Welcome to the executive suite.
TACTIC ONE: “Hanging Brains.”
HOW IT WORKS: Before you meet with your boss, take your testicles out of your pants. Then “hang” them outside your zipper area and close your fly enough to leave them out. Enter your boss’s office and don’t sit down as you speak to him. Pace around a little to let your nuts shake and get some air. As your boss notices your hanging, swinging, nut sack, he will be distracted as you run through your new salary and benefits numbers. Although this technique remains untested, we strongly believe your boss will simply nod his head and agree to all your demands as he becomes mesmerized by the Cuckoo Clock balls that bounce around before him.*
TACTIC TWO: Trick your boss into a sexual harassment situation.
HOW IT WORKS: Simply start saying very loudly, “No, I won’t suck your dick for a dollar!” so that the whole office can hear. Your boss has two choices at this point. Either to up the price for you sucking his dick to something more reasonable, or to promote you. Congratulations. You've either made between 5 to 7 dollars (the going rate for fellatio in an office) or you’ve made Vice President.
TACTIC THREE: Insinuate that you may have filmed your boss doing something illegal.
HOW IT WORKS: After speaking for a few minutes about where you see yourself in the next five years, just turn and look at your boss knowingly and repeat this line: “Marvin, let’s cut the shit. I have film of you doing you know what.” If your boss says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” then just start laughing and say, “Marv. Let’s get real. For fifty grand I can make this go away.” If he still says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about then you’ve gambled incorrectly and you should just say, “Sorry. Let’s move on,” and go back to discussing your new salary.
TACTIC FOUR: Suggest you’ve kidnapped a member of your boss’s family.
HOW IT WORKS: Please note that you should never say directly that you’ve kidnapped someone or name a name because that would be illegal. Instead, just say something like, “You know what, Marvin? Your wife is really pretty. It would be a shame if someone abducted her and held her till you did the right thing and gave me a fucking pay raise.”
TACTIC FIVE: Offer to suck his dick for free on a one-time basis.
HOW IT WORKS: Instead of going for the typical five to seven dollar rate, just say you’ll do it for free, but only once. Then explain that if you ever do it again, it will cost him a dollar more, each time, till you reach seven dollars.
*If you do try this technique, please drop us a line and tell us how it went.
Why super wealthy people will never drive a Nissan. I hang out with rich people Car Edition. By Darryl Smurten.
I don’t know you, but I’m guessing there are a lot of days when you read this column and think to yourself, “The guy who writes this is the coolest, most awesome person I could ever imagine,” and then you go back to being poor.
That being said, I agree with you. And at this point in my writing, I want to stop because there’s not much more to be said than that. However, the Intergalactic Business Report has asked me to do an article about car preferences of the ultra-wealthy because I guess they thought that was interesting even though it’s not but here I go anyway.
As per usual, I like to illustrate my reports on the wealthy by telling a story about my constant interactions with them. I guess the most “car” story I can think of is when I visited my friend “Giovanni” at his high rise penthouse in a major U.S. city the name of which I will never reveal in any way.
“Giovanni,” whose name I put in quotes to keep him anonymous and because his actual name of Jeff doesn’t seem as cool for the purposes of this article, has a collection of cars that he keeps in a hangar in New Jersey, not far from the unnamed city in which he lives. He invited me to see his cars and I accepted his offer even though I think it’s a little dumb to walk around and look at cars.
We met first at his penthouse, which is on the zillionth floor of his building, and when I got there he asked if I was ready to go. I asked if we could have a drink first and enjoy the view of the city from his outside garden. He said o.k., and some woman who was I guess his maid came in and got me a drink.
Later I found out that woman was his wife or girlfriend. Or maybe his maid. I don’t remember. Anyway, we had drinks and Jeff pointed out all the buildings and said stuff about architecture, which I found extremely boring, so I asked for another drink.
Jeff said we should get moving, but, as his guest, I retained the right to drink more according to all codes of etiquette and grace. He begrudgingly went back and got us a couple beers. I drank mine quickly and then Jeff said we should leave. I again invoked my right to drink more. Jeff said we should go. I invoked my sacred right again. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if I could use the bathroom.
As I took a long but angry dump, I reflected on his rudeness. In past years, before I had stopped drinking seriously, I would have shit on his floor and probably burned his fucking penthouse to the ground. Today, I just took a dump in his shower and shouted swear words loudly, so that he and his maid/wife/daughter could hear my discontent and consider how they would make things up to me.
The drive to his car hangar was quiet. It was even a little uncomfortable. It was as if something had come between us to challenge our friendship. When his maid-wife called him, Jeff looked confused and hung up before asking me, “Did you shit in my shower?”
I didn’t answer. I just pointed to a crappy Nissan that was driving next to us. Then I said, “Would you ever drive that?” Jeff just shook his head. That was a “No,” I guess.
So what did I learn that day about the super wealthy and their cars?
1. Their maids will snitch on you if you take a dump in their house in something other than the limited space of a toilet hole.
2. They either marry their maids or they make their wives/daughters/sisters become their maids, which is really fucked up.
3. I drink Falstaff beer. Every time I go anywhere, they should ask me, beforehand, “Hey, what kind of beer do you like?” and then have it for me. Jeff failed this test miserably.
In conclusion, it’s clear again that the super wealthy need to up their game to get to my level of excellence. I challenge them to do so, but also understand they may falter and fail. That’s my gift—to empathize with them when they come up short in pleasing me, but to also never forgive them for their shortcomings. And that is why Jeff can go fuck himself, but in a way that isn’t permanently scarring to his butthole.
As I head off to my next exclusive party, I take with me the great responsibility of a teacher, mentor, and leader. And I hope my next hosts will have their metaphorical shit together or face the consequences. Till next time. Darryl Smurten.
Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Darryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.
Steve Jobs once said something about job interviews and you can look that up and read it somewhere. Or you can do what elite people do and read the Intergalactic Business Report.
Instead of posting requotes from dead zillionaires and pretending it has something to do with us, we do first time quotes from ourselves and then pretend it has something to do with us.
Today we tackle job interviews. You go into them putting on your best fake persona and hoping it will take people more than an hour to see you’re a terrible person. But if you use any of the following ice breakers, people will find out you’re a terrible person much earlier.
Below, we give you the 5 most common icebreakers that you should never say to open a job interview.
1. “Great weather we’re having, right? It’s so hot I might have sex with a prostitute.”
2. “I really like your tie. Did you get it at a European sex shop where they have illegal shit going on all the time?”
3. “I’m so happy to be here. You guys look like you just slapped each other around at an orgy. Am I close?”
4. “How are you? You may not want to shake my hand. I think I got it caught inside my ass while I was trying to wipe myself. Do you wipe your ass too?”
5. “What an impressive building this is. I bet prostitutes give you a discount when you take them back here to have sex with them.”
You’ve almost closed the deal, and all that’s left is the handshake—the final moment that seals the negotiations and makes you rich. Instead of going limp-wristed into this crucial phase of the game, take some advice from our expert deal-closers at the Intergalactic Business Report.
Below we give you seven things to say as you join hand flesh with your counterpart. Follow these precisely and don’t listen to your inner voice saying, “Don’t do any of these.” It’s wrong.
Please note, all these should be whispered so that it’s just between you and your hand-shaking partner.
DEAL CLOSER ONE:
“With this grasp of palms you seal your bond with Satan forever.”
DEAL CLOSER TWO:
“I didn’t wash my hands after a massive dump. Shaking my hand is like wiping my ass. With your hand. Kind of.”
DEAL CLOSER THREE:
“In my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.”
DEAL CLOSER FOUR:
“Now you’re my boyfriend?”
DEAL CLOSER FIVE:
Don’t say anything. Just forcibly guide his hand to your crotch. Don’t let go.
DEAL CLOSER SIX:
“I guess this is what it feels like to finally touch your body.”
DEAL CLOSER SEVEN:
“Fuck doctors who say don’t touch people or they could die of your disease.”
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