 Dear Job Hunters: As a top executive at a major U.S. company, I want to give you some crucial insights into what people like me look for in a résumé. How closely you read this could make or break your job search. First, a little about me. I am an important person not only in my company, but also my community. If you were to see me driving around my neighborhood, you’d probably say something like, “Wow, that guy has an expensive car.” That’s because I use money my company pays me to buy expensive cars. I also have a pretty gigantic house. So, I have those two things that are pretty impressive. Back to your résumé. As the headline attests, I have reviewed more than 20,000 of these and found some horrible errors in them. These include formatting and typos. To be more specific, I found that some spacing was off and that some words were misspelled, which is a clear sign that whoever prepared the document will make a poor employee. I believe the most important part of my job is to find tiny mistakes made by people I don’t even know and then to extrapolate those in order to make broad judgments about their character and ability. I pretty much spend all my time doing this because, as an executive, I am more effective as someone who points things out rather than someone who actually does things. You may not know this, but top executives like me have risen to the high levels we enjoy because we have an innate ability to find trivial faults with everyone besides ourselves. This is something you should be working on too, if you want to succeed and advance quickly. One way to show someone like me that you have this potential is to add the following kinds of details to your résumé: Work experience: Account Executive, Creative Juices Advertising Agency. In this role, I found more copy errors than anyone on my team. I was able to point out obscure ways that people had fucked up and bring these revelations to upper management, which demoted, laid off, suspended, or fired the perpetrators. Or: Relevant experience: Assistant Manager, sales, Boondoggle Corporation. I sucked my supervisor’s dick and I will suck yours too. Those were two actual excerpts from job applicants I hired on the spot. Notice how both talked about their applicable skills and how these each led to a quantifiable result. In the first case, the errors the candidate found in her colleagues’ work led to those colleagues getting totally fucked by management. In the second example, the candidate clearly stated he would suck my cock. When I read a résumé like that, I know that if I hire that person, he will suck my dick, probably on the first day. Hired. Some final words of advice. Job hunting is tough work. It’s like a job. It’s like sucking a dick but not getting paid for it. But it’s also a rewarding way to challenge yourself to become your best you, which is someone who gets paid to point out other people's mistakes and, yes, even suck a little dick sometimes. Think about not only how you’ll benefit from a new job, but how your boss, someone like me, will. Think about my ginormous house and my sick sports car. Those should be incentive enough for you to avoid typos and formatting mistakes. Thanks, and good luck! Name redacted* *Stan Berkeshirehammer asked that his name be redacted (whatever that means) from this piece. We honored that request.  You want more money. You deserve more money. Or at least you want more money. So you walk into your boss’s office and give him your pitch. Unfortunately, he’s heard it all before and you are painfully ill-prepared to change his mind. Lucky for you, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you this exclusive advice on how to boss your boss. These five tactics will put you in charge. Welcome to the executive suite. TACTIC ONE: “Hanging Brains.” HOW IT WORKS: Before you meet with your boss, take your testicles out of your pants. Then “hang” them outside your zipper area and close your fly enough to leave them out. Enter your boss’s office and don’t sit down as you speak to him. Pace around a little to let your nuts shake and get some air. As your boss notices your hanging, swinging, nut sack, he will be distracted as you run through your new salary and benefits numbers. Although this technique remains untested, we strongly believe your boss will simply nod his head and agree to all your demands as he becomes mesmerized by the Cuckoo Clock balls that bounce around before him.* TACTIC TWO: Trick your boss into a sexual harassment situation. HOW IT WORKS: Simply start saying very loudly, “No, I won’t suck your dick for a dollar!” so that the whole office can hear. Your boss has two choices at this point. Either to up the price for you sucking his dick to something more reasonable, or to promote you. Congratulations. You've either made between 5 to 7 dollars (the going rate for fellatio in an office) or you’ve made Vice President. TACTIC THREE: Insinuate that you may have filmed your boss doing something illegal. HOW IT WORKS: After speaking for a few minutes about where you see yourself in the next five years, just turn and look at your boss knowingly and repeat this line: “Marvin, let’s cut the shit. I have film of you doing you know what.” If your boss says, “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” then just start laughing and say, “Marv. Let’s get real. For fifty grand I can make this go away.” If he still says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about then you’ve gambled incorrectly and you should just say, “Sorry. Let’s move on,” and go back to discussing your new salary. TACTIC FOUR: Suggest you’ve kidnapped a member of your boss’s family. HOW IT WORKS: Please note that you should never say directly that you’ve kidnapped someone or name a name because that would be illegal. Instead, just say something like, “You know what, Marvin? Your wife is really pretty. It would be a shame if someone abducted her and held her till you did the right thing and gave me a fucking pay raise.” TACTIC FIVE: Offer to suck his dick for free on a one-time basis. HOW IT WORKS: Instead of going for the typical five to seven dollar rate, just say you’ll do it for free, but only once. Then explain that if you ever do it again, it will cost him a dollar more, each time, till you reach seven dollars. *If you do try this technique, please drop us a line and tell us how it went.  I don’t know you, but I’m guessing there are a lot of days when you read this column and think to yourself, “The guy who writes this is the coolest, most awesome person I could ever imagine,” and then you go back to being poor. That being said, I agree with you. And at this point in my writing, I want to stop because there’s not much more to be said than that. However, the Intergalactic Business Report has asked me to do an article about car preferences of the ultra-wealthy because I guess they thought that was interesting even though it’s not but here I go anyway. As per usual, I like to illustrate my reports on the wealthy by telling a story about my constant interactions with them. I guess the most “car” story I can think of is when I visited my friend “Giovanni” at his high rise penthouse in a major U.S. city the name of which I will never reveal in any way. “Giovanni,” whose name I put in quotes to keep him anonymous and because his actual name of Jeff doesn’t seem as cool for the purposes of this article, has a collection of cars that he keeps in a hangar in New Jersey, not far from the unnamed city in which he lives. He invited me to see his cars and I accepted his offer even though I think it’s a little dumb to walk around and look at cars. We met first at his penthouse, which is on the zillionth floor of his building, and when I got there he asked if I was ready to go. I asked if we could have a drink first and enjoy the view of the city from his outside garden. He said o.k., and some woman who was I guess his maid came in and got me a drink. Later I found out that woman was his wife or girlfriend. Or maybe his maid. I don’t remember. Anyway, we had drinks and Jeff pointed out all the buildings and said stuff about architecture, which I found extremely boring, so I asked for another drink. Jeff said we should get moving, but, as his guest, I retained the right to drink more according to all codes of etiquette and grace. He begrudgingly went back and got us a couple beers. I drank mine quickly and then Jeff said we should leave. I again invoked my right to drink more. Jeff said we should go. I invoked my sacred right again. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I asked if I could use the bathroom. As I took a long but angry dump, I reflected on his rudeness. In past years, before I had stopped drinking seriously, I would have shit on his floor and probably burned his fucking penthouse to the ground. Today, I just took a dump in his shower and shouted swear words loudly, so that he and his maid/wife/daughter could hear my discontent and consider how they would make things up to me. The drive to his car hangar was quiet. It was even a little uncomfortable. It was as if something had come between us to challenge our friendship. When his maid-wife called him, Jeff looked confused and hung up before asking me, “Did you shit in my shower?” I didn’t answer. I just pointed to a crappy Nissan that was driving next to us. Then I said, “Would you ever drive that?” Jeff just shook his head. That was a “No,” I guess. So what did I learn that day about the super wealthy and their cars? 1. Their maids will snitch on you if you take a dump in their house in something other than the limited space of a toilet hole. 2. They either marry their maids or they make their wives/daughters/sisters become their maids, which is really fucked up. 3. I drink Falstaff beer. Every time I go anywhere, they should ask me, beforehand, “Hey, what kind of beer do you like?” and then have it for me. Jeff failed this test miserably. In conclusion, it’s clear again that the super wealthy need to up their game to get to my level of excellence. I challenge them to do so, but also understand they may falter and fail. That’s my gift—to empathize with them when they come up short in pleasing me, but to also never forgive them for their shortcomings. And that is why Jeff can go fuck himself, but in a way that isn’t permanently scarring to his butthole. As I head off to my next exclusive party, I take with me the great responsibility of a teacher, mentor, and leader. And I hope my next hosts will have their metaphorical shit together or face the consequences. Till next time. Darryl Smurten. Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Darryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at darryl@intergalacticbiz.com. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.  The term "icebreaker" came about when someone said some awkward shit on a boat in the ice. Steve Jobs once said something about job interviews and you can look that up and read it somewhere. Or you can do what elite people do and read the Intergalactic Business Report. Instead of posting requotes from dead zillionaires and pretending it has something to do with us, we do first time quotes from ourselves and then pretend it has something to do with us. Today we tackle job interviews. You go into them putting on your best fake persona and hoping it will take people more than an hour to see you’re a terrible person. But if you use any of the following ice breakers, people will find out you’re a terrible person much earlier. Below, we give you the 5 most common icebreakers that you should never say to open a job interview. 1. “Great weather we’re having, right? It’s so hot I might have sex with a prostitute.” 2. “I really like your tie. Did you get it at a European sex shop where they have illegal shit going on all the time?” 3. “I’m so happy to be here. You guys look like you just slapped each other around at an orgy. Am I close?” 4. “How are you? You may not want to shake my hand. I think I got it caught inside my ass while I was trying to wipe myself. Do you wipe your ass too?” 5. “What an impressive building this is. I bet prostitutes give you a discount when you take them back here to have sex with them.”  You’ve almost closed the deal, and all that’s left is the handshake—the final moment that seals the negotiations and makes you rich. Instead of going limp-wristed into this crucial phase of the game, take some advice from our expert deal-closers at the Intergalactic Business Report. Below we give you seven things to say as you join hand flesh with your counterpart. Follow these precisely and don’t listen to your inner voice saying, “Don’t do any of these.” It’s wrong. Please note, all these should be whispered so that it’s just between you and your hand-shaking partner. DEAL CLOSER ONE: “With this grasp of palms you seal your bond with Satan forever.” DEAL CLOSER TWO: “I didn’t wash my hands after a massive dump. Shaking my hand is like wiping my ass. With your hand. Kind of.” DEAL CLOSER THREE: “In my dreams I’ve kissed your lips a thousand times.” DEAL CLOSER FOUR: “Now you’re my boyfriend?” DEAL CLOSER FIVE: Don’t say anything. Just forcibly guide his hand to your crotch. Don’t let go. DEAL CLOSER SIX: “I guess this is what it feels like to finally touch your body.” DEAL CLOSER SEVEN: “Fuck doctors who say don’t touch people or they could die of your disease.”  1. The “office bully” seems to always get whatever she wants from your boss, while the hard-working staff members are ignored. 2. Your boss constantly holds “live or die” contests in which two employees are put in a conference room and told that they may only leave after one of them is dead. 3. Your one on one meetings are streamed live to a Japanese fetish site where business men masturbate to Americans having meetings with their boss. 4. Once a month, your boss calls all team members into a room where he locks the door and paces back and forth with a machete and keeps asking who the fucking snitch is. 5. You’re asked to drink urine as a sign of loyalty. 6. Since your first day of work you have never left the office because armed guards will shoot you if you try to escape. 7. Larry Understedd, the office jokester, shoots people if they don’t laugh. He also hides in the coat closet and shoots people before they even get a chance to laugh. 8. You are given a concoction of drugs each morning and then you just wake up the next day at home and have no idea what happened. Then you go back to work and the loop continues. 9. Some of your co-workers are insensitive and forget your birthday.  A little while ago, we sat down with a billionaire who wanted to remain anonymous, mostly because he didn’t want anyone to know his name. As we talked, he told us his secret to hiring the best employees, and we were shocked that it came down to one single quality that he felt was more important than anything else. We share it below: The one single quality that separates great candidates from good ones, according to a top billionaire.
 CEOs. They’re the most important people in America. Just ask them. Or anyone who writes articles about how what they do every day is what you should too. In recognition of this, the Intergalactic Business Report dumped a feature about nuns who help homeless people because who would want to be like an old nun who spends all day getting food for vagrants? After we told the nuns we weren’t doing the story on them anymore, they said something we couldn’t hear because we hung up the phone. Afterwards, we conducted an exclusive, anonymous survey with some of the world’s brightest CEOs to find out what they do with their free time and how it translates into success. Anonymous CEO #1. FREE TIME PASSION: Spends her free time doing oil paintings because it unlocks her creative powers and allows her to make decisions that go beyond typical corporate thought. SUCCESS RESULT: One day she painted a picture of a silly-looking clown firing people. It had come to her out of nowhere, like some kind of crazy dream. The next day, she fired 7,000 employees in one of the largest downsizing events in corporate history. Anonymous CEO #2 FREE TIME PASSION: Saves unwanted pets from being put down in kill shelters. Started a charity that collects cats and dogs who are abandoned and finds them loving homes throughout the country. SUCCESS RESULT: After understanding how kill shelters operated, this CEO was able to structure new, more humane layoff plans that included putting fired employees in corporate housing “shelters” with their families for two weeks to see if anyone wanted to hire them before they were symbolically “put down” and officially fired. Anonymous CEO #3 FREE TIME PASSION: Mentors children who have no male role models by taking them on a “junior CEO” retreat to his exclusive mountain chalet, where they learn leadership secrets. SUCCESS RESULT: Several of the mentored children grew up to lead companies and oversee massive layoffs and restructuring that earned them enough bonus money to buy their own chalets and run similar mentoring programs, thus “paying it forward” for generations to come. Anonymous CEO #4 FREE TIME PASSION: Studying martial arts and yoga to find inner peace and discipline. SUCCESS RESULT: Felt absolutely no remorse when she fired four thousand employees because she was able to control her heart rate and yoga herself out of the guilt she would have felt without her training. The martial arts came in handy as well, as she was able to disarm and defeat four thousand people with a single memo from human resources. Anonymous CEO #5 FREE TIME PASSION: Studying the strategies and tactics of famous generals throughout world history. SUCCESS RESULT: Was able to picture half of his 20,000 employees as invading Tartars and pretended he was repelling their advance by firing them.  I know what you’re thinking. It goes something like this: “Hey, Darryl. You’re one of the coolest people in the entire world and I’m a fucknut compared to you.” Anyway, my column today is about how I learned to deal with the ultra-wealthy on their level and talk to them in a way that makes me almost better than them. I thought it was important to let people like you understand this because you're always coming up to me and asking if I ever get intimidated or feel in awe of super rich, elite human beings who basically control the world. Short answer: No. Long answer: Fuck no. Here’s why. When I was much younger, say three years ago, I was invited, as per usual, to an exclusive event with an amazing ocean view in California. It was one of those things where servants scamper around like little trashcans collecting your shit while other servants scamper around bringing you shit. You know, typical. As I stood there and waited for one of them to bring me a roll of condoms and a baguette (side note, I like to make servants’ lives better by sending them on scavenger hunt type scavenger hunts where if they fail I disgrace them in front of their bosses) I noticed a conversation happening among the host of the event (let’s just call him Brondon*) and some other rich guys. I walked over and joined in immediately. I’ll stop here to make a very important point. If you ever see supremely wealthy people talking together, and you don’t want to be a total pussy, then you need to intervene right away and show that you’re the most important thing in their conversation. I’ll give you an example: When I walked into the circle of rich guys I stared each of them down separately. I did this by grabbing their faces and then pushing mine very close to theirs. Then I’d move on to the next one. After about the third guy, Brondon asked what I was doing. Know what I said? “Brondo… If you ever interrupt me while I’m face checking your guests I will force you to have oral sex with me through the bars of a cage.” Know what Brondon did? He called his “security” people and claimed he didn’t know who I was. Total pussy move and one that proved I was the dominant one at the party. Mission completed, I guess. When I tell this story to people, they usually say something like, “Wow. You’re such a badass.” Anyway, I was “removed” from the “premises” and sat in the parking lot for a little while before I wrote stuff on people’s luxury cars with my own feces—another power move and one anyone (even you) could play if you want to get over your anxiety about dealing with rich people. The moral of the story actually came down to three things: 1. I literally took a shit on Brondon (or his car, I think) because he didn’t offer me respect. This means that I won in the end, because my car has never been shit on. 2. The ultra-wealthy pretend they don’t know you if you challenge them. That’s their big weapon. My big weapon? Taking shits on people’s cars. 3. The servant who was supposed to bring me the condoms and the baguette never returned and thus failed at his task. So I found the worst looking car in the parking lot (a Nissan Sentra) whose window was open and took a shit through it, assuming it was the servant’s vehicle. There were other morals and lessons for sure and I’ve matured a lot since then. For example, I pee on things more now or just burn shit down. I think those are the biggest changes. Oh, and my penis is bigger. I guess that’s it. In conclusion, I’m glad I could help you and that you appreciated it so much. Until next time I will be saving my poop (just in case) for the next mega-rich party I go to. Ha ha. Just kidding!** *Actual name is Brandon. **No I’m not. Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Darryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at darryl@intergalacticbiz.com. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.  An "open" cafeteria, moments before the shit goes down. You nailed the interview. You can tell they want you—bad… And now they’re offering you special benefits and perks to entice you to sign right away. As tempting as they might appear, some of these bonuses may not be all they seem. Or maybe they are? The Intergalactic Business Report outlines 6 common “perks” companies might offer you. Read, exceed, and you will never need. PERK ONE: Free massages. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: Who doesn’t like a back rub? And for free? WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: At most major corporations and even minor ones, a free back rub entails your boss taking off his shoes and socks and walking on your back while he balances himself with other employees. And he’s naked. WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: Some people are into overweight middle-aged dudes nude-walking on them. Maybe you are. PERK TWO: Unlimited free vacation. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: As much vacation as I want? Sign me up! WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Vacation” refers to Jeff Vacation the Third, and his brother, Brett Vacation (the First, we guess). They’re free. And you get as much of them as you want. WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you do have sex with the Vacation brothers, they usually take you to Denny’s afterwards and allow you to order a Grand Slam breakfast. It’s kind of a half-joke, half literal description of what they did with you earlier. But you do get a free breakfast. PERK THREE: Tuition reimbursement. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: If you take college classes, they’ll pay for it. Score! WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: The fine print of these offers almost always reads: “Valid for stripper classes only.” WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: More and more employees are exploring the option of “side-stripping” after work. You seem like the kind of person who would value that kind of opportunity. PERK FOUR: Day care services. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: My kids come to work and someone will watch them? WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: “Day care” usually has nothing to do with children or someone else taking care of them. Many businesses use this term to refer to you “servicing” your boss—during the day, which means office hours. WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you don’t mind changing your job title from assistant director of whatever you thought you were going to be doing to executive director of dick sucking, then this is a solid option. Take the job. Then give the job. PERK FIVE: Open cafeteria. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: So I can forget about paying for lunch? All right! WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: An “open cafeteria” doesn’t mean you’ll stop paying for lunch. You’ll pay. “Open” refers to the boundaries of perversion that an office cafeteria accepts. If your potential employer says that his or her cafeteria is “open” that just means anything goes and safe words are not recognized. Also it’s super hard to eat when people are prodding and groping you. WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into no-boundaries sex with randos, then this is the place you want to be. PERK SIX: A “nap room” to keep you fresh. WHAT SOUNDS GREAT ABOUT IT: I get so tired during the day. Now I can snooze! WHY YOU SHOULDN’T TAKE IT: NAP is an acronym for “No limits ass play.” WHY YOU MAY WANT TO TAKE IT: If you’re into whatever no limits ass play is, then sign on immediately. |
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