 One simple question: This holiday season, don’t your friends and relatives deserve the absolute worst, most embarrassing tee shirts, that, when worn in public, drive people to say things like, “What the fuck is wrong with you?” and “Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
The Intergalactic Business Report’s merch store, IBR Merch, known for selling clothing so bad we have practically zero sales, is issuing its first ever Black Friday coupon, good for 10% off until Monday, November 27. Just enter the code IBR10 at checkout. IBR Merch’s new collection is simply titled, “Hey! Look at me!” which is a tribute to all those who choose to draw negative attention to themselves in public places. Anchored by our now famous “Ball Sweat and Tears” tee, the new collection goes into new realms of cringe with shirts that re-imagine what it’s like for their wearer to sit in a bar somewhere and have people look over in fear, disgust, and wonder. A new “dog groomer” tee announces to anyone looking that you will pay them for some alone time with their pet. And college students can display their grammar skills (with our “whom does one need to blow” tee) as well as their acumen for eating ass (“top of my class in eating ass” tee). IBR Merch continues its “States of Confusion” line with more tees celebrating the traditions and character of the places Americans call home. Our, “Welcome to Wisconsin: Hot Turds ‘N Cheese Curdz” tee exemplifies the dairy state, while our dual Mississippi/Alabama tee starts the friendly argument of which state is more racist, leading to hours of playful banter if you wear it into a bar in either state. Our Drunk People Awareness line asks onlookers to change your diaper (“Just shit myself” tee) and proclaims your level of inebriation to be holy (“Drunker than Jesus” tee). Of course, our other categories and official IBR merchandise are also available. This Christmas, embarrass yourself and others and do it in a way where there’s no turning back. Go to ibrmerch.com and start your adventure.  Inc. Magazine recently posted an article about how “invisible” employees could be your most valuable resource. Or something like that. At the Intergalactic Business Report, we never read Inc. Magazine articles because they either ask you to subscribe or expect you to read the content and we feel strongly the headlines are more than enough to inspire us to write superior articles on the same subject.
Anyway… We read the headline and immediately agreed. Our own invisible employee is by far our most valuable and we tell you why below. 12 solid reasons your invisible employee is your best employee. 1. You never see him. He never says stupid shit. He’s just there, we guess? 2. When your invisible employee gets angry and takes an invisible shit on the floor of your reception area, that shit is invisible. Unless the human shit in the reception area is his and his shits aren’t invisible at all. 3. He never does that thing at meetings where he questions everything you say by throwing Milk Duds at your face, unless the Milk Duds that keep hitting your face are coming from him. 4. You don’t pay him, and he has no voice to sue you no matter how many times you openly mock or threaten him and chase him with your dick, even though you’re not totally sure if you’re actually chasing him or if he’s in a totally different direction and you’re just pants-to-the-ground-around-your-ankles shuffling around the office. 5. His piece-of-shit mom will never touch you because that would be assault and you’ll call the cops. 6. You still love his piece-of-shit mom even though she’s a little “rough around the edges” and is probably going to assault you but maybe it’s not assault if you love her, and you have sex afterwards. Maybe that’s just an “alternative lifestyle.” 7. You’re not even sure what that lifestyle is called, but whatever it is, you’re that. 8. What’s the fucking difference between your invisible employee and a ghost? Should I be afraid of this motherfucker? 9. If you start dating someone and she tells you her son is invisible and he works in your office and you’re like, what the fuck are you talking about and she’s like shut the fuck up Imma beat your ass and then she does, does that make her son exist? Or is that just what love feels like and you’ve never been in love before? 10. Who the fuck is Ronald Van Silver? Is he our invisible employee? Oh, nope. He’s real. Hey Ron. 11. Did Ron Van Fucking Silver take a shit on our reception area floor? How the fuck would you even find out? Like a DNA test or something? Do I have to take some of the shit down to a lab or something? 12. Does Inc Magazine have a lab where they can test the shit from our reception area and see if it’s a ghost or if it’s Ron Van Silver? How late are you open?  Drink it, no questions asked. Real estate master and future centi-billionaire Kris Krohn has a lifestyle most of us can only dream about. See what happens when Intergalactic Business Report columnist Ed Mountaineer decides to take Krohn’s advice and make it his command.
Kris Krohn is my new president. Here’s how I vow to live my life under his rule. By Ed Mountaineer. If you don’t already know me, I’m a pretty influential writer at the Intergalactic Business Report—a publication almost as well-known as I am. I have written many columns about my connections to the celebrity world, including my personal friendships with stars, business leaders, and people most people would consider better than themselves. In all my time hob nobbing, advising, and, yes, frolicking, I have come to see the flaws, simplicity, and terrible flaws in many of these so-called talented humans, like Ryan Reynolds. That was my view on the world—that those shiny examples of success and happiness you see on the screen are, in actuality, just sad, decrepit shells, desperately trying to entice you with their fake hair and fake Canadian accents. That was until I started watching the shit put out there by Kris Krohn. If you don’t know or understand Kris Krohn, let me put it this way: He is like a god who walks among men and imparts wisdom that makes King Solomon look like a dipshit who’s giving you an estimate to mow your lawn. Krohn is what we have all been waiting for in a leader, mentor, and big-brother/father figure/role model. That is why I elected him president for life in my mind. Let me explain… Kris Krohn has a private jet and on that jet there are no rules, except, I’m guessing, that the pilot can’t take a dump on the controls and render the craft useless. Other than that, Krohn and his guests can do whatever they want on that plane. Think about that for a second. Anything they want. Except take dumps on the controls. Kris Krohn also has set a goal of earning a hundred billion dollars. Not a billion. But a hundred billion. And that’s just by like next year or something. Think about that for a second. Kris Krohn says he studied Warren Buffet and he isn’t impressed because Buffet made his first billion when he was 55, which is way old. That dumb old motherfucker is only worth $121 billion now and he’s 93! When Krohn is 93 he’ll have like four hundo billion, making him the richest man on the planet by far and also making me pretty smart for having been the first to elect him president over myself. Think about the gratitude he’ll have for me when he hits that mark and I’m in his front lawn screaming that I voted for him, elected him, and now follow his every order, except, of course, getting off his lawn which I see as a sort of barony that I now control because of my loyalty and fealty to him. It’s knight stuff. Look it up. Kris Krohn is so smart that he doesn’t wear shoes or socks. What? Yeah, that’s right. No shoes. No socks. He just sits there, barefoot, telling you stuff. Kris Krohn also drinks a gallon, at least, of water every day. He says to his followers that “every man or woman needs to drink a gallon of water every day, no questions asked.” That means that people like me are not allowed to ask questions. I get that. I like that. I am motivated by the idea that Kris Krohn tells me what to do and I don’t question it. But how do I drink a gallon of water every day? The answer: you carry around a jug of water all day and drink from it. “You schlep that thing around with you wherever you go,” Kris Krohn commands me. That’s leadership. I have a huge jug of water I carry around now and I’m going to be honest. Half the reason for it is that if I ever run into Krohn, or he sees me on his front lawn, I’ll have a jug and he’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “Yeah, I saw your video.” And He’ll be like, “Good.” And I’ll be like, “You’re my president.” And then we’ll see how it goes from there. Kris Krohn has a car with a gun turret in the flat bed. He had his ride modded out and added that shit because if there’s an apocalypse, then Kris Krohn can just ride in and shoot your ass and steal all your stuff. That’s planning ahead. Also, I assume he will spare his followers, like me. He’ll roll up amid the firestorm of burning flesh and garbage and point his guns at me and he’ll ask, “Are you with Kris Krohn or do you wish for death?” And I’ll just show him my Kris Krohn tatoo that takes up my entire body and he’ll be like, “Get in.” Kind of makes me look forward to the end of days when Kris and I can ride around and mete out justice “Kris Krohn” style. Kris Krohn works out till his muscles fail. Most doctors will tell you that’s a bad idea, but where the fuck did they get their medical degrees? Not at Kris Krohn university, where Kris Krohn is a full professor with tenure and has all the freshman chicks trying to get on his junk. That’s for sure. I have gone into severe muscle failure several times now and my stupid doctor keeps saying stuff like, “What are you doing?” and “You’re going to die if you keep doing this,” and I keep telling him, “My muscles don’t fail. They succeed,” and then he says something about how I’m a danger to myself and probably others. Kris Krohn doesn’t drive (except during the apocalypse). Instead, he has some doofus drive him while he makes videos for 10K a pop. Yeah, that’s right. 10K. A. Pop. Oh, and before I forget, Kris Krohn never does anything he did last year, this year. Anything. Because that’s the secret to success. So, if Kris Krohn gets a restraining order against me this year, he can’t get one against me NEXT year, for example. Also, Kris Krohn says that to be successful, you are constantly training your replacement, which means, I guess, that he’s training me…? Am I motherfucking replacing Kris fucking Krohn? Is that what you’ve been planning, Kris? Am I you now, or do I have to wait till next year? I don’t get it. I guess I’m done writing now. Good bye. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  I want to start off by saying how thankful I am to the Intergalactic Business Report for reaching out to me and asking me to give their audience a sense of what it could be like for them to realize their goals and maximize their lives. If you don’t know who I am, let me take a moment to “infloduce” myself. My name is Brett Bonar and I control a real estate empire that is both spiritually guided and mega-life force validating. I use my powers to help people, like you, reach their goals by posting Instagram memes of myself talking about my knowledge and speaking to packed crowds of thralls who “do business” with me by buying my system for explosive business growth and self-improvement.
My story is pretty amazing. When I was in college I bought a house. I know that sounds unbelievable, but I did. Then I bought more houses, and after a while I was “free” from financial concerns that drag most people down and force them into lives of general misery and work. Along the way, I unlocked a system for personal growth and business success. One of the most important lessons I learned was how to use my time effectively. And it all begins with a morning routine. Below, I share mine: 3:15 a.m. Wake up. 3:15 – 3:25. Rub eyes. Make groggy yawns. Stare at ceiling in moment of self-pity and then let it all go, understanding that my day will never progress if I feel sorry for myself. Now I pity neither myself nor anyone else. 3:25-3:30. Wake up my wife. Take her on a pre-meditative mind cleanse by speaking to her in a low, deep voice, and slowly bringing her mind to a state of consciousness. I choose a theme each day such as appreciation or courage or growth and keep talking till she opens her eyes and says that thing about how every morning she opens her eyes and prays this has all just been a nightmare but it’s not because I’m actually there. 3:35-3:45. Serotonin and dopamine pump. Before our exercise routine, my wife and I spend ten minutes going through positive thoughts, gratitude lists, and recalling our most meaningful memories in order to release all our internal “happy” drugs into our system. I’ll say, “visualize our wedding day” or, “picture the sunset we saw in Hawaii” and she’ll say, “visualize sleeping in a bed and not having to get up at 3:15 in the morning.” 3:35-3:45. Treadmill. I try to get my wife on the treadmill. She says she’s too tired, but I lead her to our home gym and get her on the machines. My wife needs to get more into this, for sure, because she’s starting to ask more and more questions about why we need to be up at 3:15 a.m. in order to find peace and purpose in our lives and I’m trying to explain to her that we need to live a full day before the day begins so that we can have the rest of the day be a “bonus” for us and she’s just saying stuff about how her “bonus” is basically just wanting to fall asleep all day and how she fucking hates this and then more stuff about how when she met me on Tinder this wasn’t how she pictured it going and how I presented myself totally differently and how we used to sleep in all the time but now we do this. 3:45-4:00. After we’ve warmed up for ten minutes on the treadmill, I take my wife through a guided meditation to prepare our minds for the day ahead. She continues asking me what qualifies me to guide her through a meditation and we get into this whole thing about what qualifies anyone? And then she starts, as usual, mocking me where everything I say she says back to me in a fake Indian voice like a guru or something. I tell her it’s ruining the meditation and she’s like you’re ruining our marriage. 4:00-5:00. Weights. She doesn’t want to spot me when I lift, but I’m mentally prepared to do it without her. She usually falls asleep by the leg press machine, and I try to recite a gratitude list while I lift. She wakes up for a second and says she’s grateful she didn’t sign a pre nup with me. I lift in silence. She snores. 5:00-5:30. Breakfast. I get her to the kitchen, and she does what she always does and asks why the fuck we can’t have bacon and eggs and waffles and I have to tell her that I made a blueberry acai cleanse for us to drink that will give us all the nutrients we need for the next seven hours. She tells me to go fuck myself and then goes on a rant about why I won’t allow a coffee machine in the house and then she gives up and sips the cleanse and says she’s just going to pretend it’s bacon. 5:30–5:45. After a nutritious breakfast, I send out my inspirational power tweet to my followers. I can’t fucking concentrate because my wife is screaming something about how she hasn’t slept in six months. Such bullshit. She sleeps all day after our morning routine. I just tweet out “stay strong” or some such crap. Such an underachievement, but it’s not like any of my “followers” need more than that because if they’re following me, they’re probably living in group homes and humping doorknobs—according to my wife. 5:45-6:00. Gently wake up the kids and give them affirmation for their day. But my wife is scream-crying at everyone while I give inspirational positive affirmation to Hunter and Daisy. Daisy says something about how school isn’t till 8:00 and it’s only like a three-minute walk and why do we have to get up so early, Daddy? And I’m just like, get the fuck up. You need this time to focus your positive energy and meditate! Jesus. 6:00-6:30. Sacred time with my wife. This is a time just for my wife and me to connect with each other and enjoy our union as man and wife. I won’t describe this time because it is 100% private and between us, but I will say that it’s impossible to totally connect with someone when she keeps saying that she’s so fucking tired she might drive her brand-new Maserati into a fucking wall today. I ask her if she appreciates how hard I worked to buy her a Maserati and she’s like “all I want is sleep,” and, “I’d trade that Maserati for a dirty mattress by a river if I could sleep right now” and that “every day with you is like the first day of some fucked up hell week where you get woken up at three a.m. and have to recite a bunch of bullshit while people scream at you only this hell week lasts forever and you’re not screaming—you’re just sitting there tweeting bullshit about staying strong and surrounding yourself with positive people who are better than you, whatever the fuck that means…” 6:30-7:00. Sacred time with my children. The kids are totally awake and ready to start their day. I give them each a vitamin infused smoothie, fake bread, and a date ‘n fig Danish made from something called WeedFlax and take them through an exercise where they focus on their daily goals and visualize them before going to school. Hunter says his teacher says he’s falling asleep in class too much. I tell him that meditation is a lot like sleep because your mind is able to lift itself from the pressure that makes you tired. He is asleep in our breakfast nook and cannot hear me consciously. I tap a spoon on the table to get his attention. He doesn’t respond. I tap louder, right by his head. No response. I start slamming that motherfucking spoon down and he wakes up. Everybody is screaming. Again. 7:00-7:30. Creativity time. This might be my favorite part of my morning routine. It’s a time when I ask everyone in the family to take a half hour to let their creative minds flow. They can paint, write, compose music—whatever. As long as it’s creative. I feel this kind of focus early in the morning can ease your neuro-receptors and let your brain crank out things you’ve never thought of before. My wife starts asking where I learned that and before I can even answer she starts asking me about where I got my medical degree and then she goes off into the whole, “tell me again, how did you become the authority on how the human mind works? Was it when you bought a house in college?” and, of course, “Did you even graduate from college?” Then she just starts repeating everything I say in the fake Indian guru voice. 7:30-8:00. Kids to school. I walk the children there, and it's only three minutes away but I need to get out of the fucking house so I just take them early. We sit there. It’s not open yet. A janitor passes us and gives me a weird look like he’s into me or something. I can’t even process that. Hunter is falling asleep on a curb. I can’t lie. I’m pretty fucking tired too. 8:00-9:00. Shower and get ready for work. I like this time because my wife is passed out in the other room and is quiet. I can shave my body and admire myself in the mirror for a few minutes before it’s time to sneak by her and get in my $150,000 ride and go to work where people fucking respect me. Conclusion. I know that at 9:00 a.m. the day is just starting (for most people), but at this point I have gotten done everything I need to do. So the rest of the day is just a bonus. A long, long, so tired I am constantly slipping in and out of reality bonus. Brett Bonar is a 9-figure influencer, international speecher, business coach, and lifemaker. He has bought and sold real estate and also holds the keys to human happiness which is to sell real estate and life coach people. Questions and comments may be sent to Brett at [email protected].  A CEO recently advised businesses interviewing candidates to simply “turn that résumé over. Just chat,” and added that “attitude is more important than experience.” We thought that sounded amazing since many of our staff members confirmed they had been shut out of great jobs simply because their experience and credentials were lacking. If they had been judged on their attitudes instead, they would almost certainly never be working for us.
As the recognized vanguard for human resources innovation, the Intergalactic Business Report simulates what might happen using this revolutionary interviewing breakthrough. Below, we have generated several re-imaginations of job interviews our staff members had in the past by first showing what actually happened, and second, revealing how they would have gone using this new technique. The results may astound you and take your company in a new direction when it comes to hiring. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER ONE: IBR columnist Ed Mountaineer’s interview at an unnamed financial services brokerage (circa 1998): HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: So, Ed, it says here you graduated from business school with high honors? ED: Yes, that’s correct. INTERVIEWER: Where exactly is the Business School of My Mind? I’ve never heard of it. ED: You’ve never heard of my mind? Ha ha. Why don’t we talk about my fierce attitude instead of this résumé bullshit? INTERVIEWER: Well… We look at the candidate’s résumé to determine whether he has the background to understand how our business works. We provide financial services for people who… ED: I provide financial services to peoples’ mothers. And by mothers I mean your mother. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: And by financial services I mean have sex with them in their butts. INTERVIEWER: What? ED: How you like my attitude? HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: Hi Ed. I’m going to turn your résumé over and not even look at it. ED: Wise choice. INTERVIEWER: You seem to have a fierce attitude. ED: That’s what your mom told me last night. INTERVIEWER: Oh my god that’s so funny. ED: I know. INTERVIEWER: Do you have any interest in providing financial services to people? ED: I have an interest in providing them to your mom. INTERVIEWER: Bro. That is so fucking funny. ED: I’m hired. INTERVIEWER: That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. ED: (Mocking) That’s exactly the kind of attitude we’re looking for. INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER TWO: IBR columnist and trust fund baby Haley DeBaron’s interview at Target (circa 2015). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: This is Target. HALEY: A target for what? INTERVIEWER: Are you here for a job interview? HALEY: What? INTERVIEWER: Didn’t you come here to interview? For a job? HALEY: I got lost… and pulled up to this… refugee camp… And you’re saying someone is targeting me? INTERVIEWER: It says on your résumé that you’ve worked in retail for 13 years? HALEY: That’s not mine. INTERVIEWER: Who’s is it? HALEY: That skanky looking woman over there? INTERVIEWER: Why did you hand it to me then? HALEY: I thought it was like a ticket to get to the front of the line at the refugee camp so that the CIA or whatever could pull me out ahead of everyone else? I just grabbed it from her because she looked so poor. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: HALEY: So, this is like a refugee camp or whatever? INTERVIEWER: Is what a refugee camp? HALEY: This… This place. INTERVIEWER: Oh… Because it looks like a refugee camp! Yes. It really does. I’ve never thought about that. HALEY: It also smells. INTERVIEWER: It does! HALEY: You kind of smell too. INTERVIEWER: Haw. Nice attitude! HALEY: Can you airlift me out of here or whatever? INTERVIEWER: I will airlift you to a management position because I’ve never interviewed anyone with your amount of honesty and moxy. HALEY: Do you know Moxy? Is she pranking me? INTERVIEWER: When can you start? HALEY: Start what? INTERVIEWER: Haw! You just earned a signing bonus! INTERVIEW REWIND NUMBER THREE: Current columnist Cedric Bigglestone’s interview for a job as a columnist at the Intergalactic Business Report (circa 2018). HOW IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: Your résumé reads like a rap sheet. It just lists a lot of petty crimes you’ve committed. CEDRIC: Can we just put that away and talk about my attitude instead? INTERVIEWER: I feel like I should call the cops or something? CEDRIC: How about you don’t and just hire me instead? INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you’ve got the job. HOW IT COULD HAVE HAPPENED: INTERVIEWER: What’s that on your face? CEDRIC: Probably a booger. Wait. You mean my face? INTERVIEWER: Are you O.K.? You look really shaky. CEDRIC: Probably reverberations from having sex with your mom. INTERVIEWER: Did you just say you had sex with my mother? CEDRIC: She never mentioned her name so I’m just guessing. Also, people don’t usually introduce themselves as someone’s mother so… INTERVIEWER: That’s hilarious, bro. Nice attitude. CEDRIC: I know. INTERVIEWER: O.K. I guess you got the job.  Some dude from a stock photo. Recently, two CEOs discovered their mangy employees recorded zoom calls where workers were told to stop pitying themselves for not receiving bonuses and were praised for selling a family dog to show company loyalty. We assume this was followed by asking their IT guy if he could unrecord the meetings, and was followed by, “Why not? Isn’t that your job?” and, “Well, I don’t understand any of this tech stuff. That’s why I hired you.”
Now these corporate leaders are facing universal, intertweet ridicule, and will probably craft apology videos to counter the negative publicity. While these incidents might serve as a cautionary tale for many CEOs, we were surprised to hear about one captain of industry who doubled down on his harsh message to his team. Cornelius Danforth, who runs pet food company Whiskaways had this to say during a company-wide Zoom-recorded speech yesterday: TRANSCRIPT: “Yeah, thank you everyone. I want to say thank you… Sincerely. I know you had other things to do today but when I call a meeting like this, I mean, what choice do you have but to show up?” (LONG PAUSE) “That was a joke. You don’t get it? Yeah… Humor. You should get one. Anyway, I just wanted to report to all of you about my bonus. I’m not gonna go out and pretend I didn’t give myself one, cause I did. I gave myself a giant fucking bonus. Can I swear? Can I? I’m asking my fucking IT guy. He’s just staring at me and pantomiming something. Jesus. I guess I can swear. Hold on.” (LOOKS AT SOME PAPERS IN FRONT OF HIM) “O.K. O.K. I’ve been notified by myself that no one besides me is getting a bonus this year. Sorry. But If you think about it, that’s really your fault. I’m gonna say it. No, shut the fuck up IT man. I’m gonna say it. None of you deserve to be here. None of you deserve to even have a salary. None of you deserve to be talking to me in this one-sided way right now. I’m imparting fucking wisdom and you need to just sit there and soak it in. If you think about it, that’s your bonus. My wisdom. You’re welcome.” (PAUSE) “I need to collect myself. I’m buying a new place in Vail because my wife wants it. She doesn’t even ski. But I’m buying it to make her happy the same way I work here to make all of you happy. It’s been stressing me out, and maybe that’s why I’m a little testy right now. I apologize, but I also am countering this overwhelming burden of leadership by giving myself a mid-Zoom meeting additional bonus. IT guy? I’d like you to work on a sound effect that goes, Cha-Ching whenever I talk about money I’m getting. Do it. O.K. Anyway, I wanted to call you all together to remind you to start doing more. Don’t think about this company as just a job. Look at it as your life, the way you might if you were in a horror movie where you wake up somewhere and can’t figure out why and all you know is you were probably drugged and now you’re part of a sick game where you have to fight other miscreants in order to escape, which you never do because in horror movies today everyone gets killed, except the deranged psychopath who’s kind of like the hero of the film for whatever reason. I want you to think about that hero as me.” (LOOKS ON HIS PIECE OF PAPER FOR AN UNCOMFORTABLY LONG TIME) “I’m almost done. Uh… Anyone want to sleep with me? Just throwing that out there. You get ten minutes to ask me questions and stuff and then you have to have sex with me. No bonus involved. Just the questions and sex. Oh, and… What did I write here? Can’t read my own hand-writing! Ha. Oh… Yeah. Hot chicks only. Not into dudes. Sorry IT guy. I know you would have been the first motherfucker to sign up.” (HOLDS UP A SIGN THAT SAYS, “YOU’RE FIRED.”) Last message. That one goes to all of you. But I need to explain first. Technically, you’re all still employed, but I want you to work like you’re fired and you’re trying to earn your job back. Like homeless people with squeegees during rush hour. That’s you now. Also, you work for tips now. I’m sending out a memo to that effect. And I don’t want to hear a bunch of crap about how tip money isn’t going to cover your basic expenses. If you don’t like it, be better. Give better service. Get better tips. Maybe have sex with me. I don’t know. That’s all on you. But hot chicks only. Also, I’m carrying around a wad of fives so I’ll hand those out when I see one of you doing something productive. Having said that, I don’t expect to be using that wad of cash anytime soon. That’s about it. O.K. Get back to work and I’m going to say that with air quotes. Peace.”  You’re at work and you need to communicate with someone, but you know if you open your mouth it’s going to sound hateful. Instead of just sitting there drooling like a specially-abled citizen, you review inclusive language lists that tell you what to say instead of the sexist/racist/homophobic evil that was about to emanate from your nasty, colonialist mouth.
In an effort to help you save your job, the Intergalactic Business Report found some diversity equity inclusion guidelines for inclusive language. But, in a stunning development, we also found that the inclusive language being proffered is actually horrifying in its own racist/sexist/ageist/ ableist/ homophobic way. Are diversity equity and inclusion people actually subversive Nazi sympathizers? You decide. #1. Instead of “ladies and gentlemen,” say, “everyone or folks.” WHY IT’S WRONG: By saying every “one” you are celebrating the Western, white supremacist concept of the individual over the group. “Folks” is what racist people in the South say, learned originally from their slave owner ancestors. Also, “folks” was a term favored by the Nazis to describe the master, Aryan race. For example, “Ein Volk, Ein Land, Ein Fuhrer.” #2. Instead of “insane” say “hard to believe” or “not acceptable”? WHY IT’S WRONG: So, you’re saying that people with mental illness are not acceptable and shouldn’t be believed? #3. Instead of saying “Mom and Dad,” say “Parent or Guardian.” WHY IT’S WRONG: “Parent” obviously describes an unequal paternal relationship with a supplicant, subservient underling (slavery much?). And “Guardian” implies a person who must “guard” or watch over a helpless being who is unable to make their own decisions—like a baby or child. So patronizing. Further, losing the terms “mom” or “dad” make it more difficult to understand it when someone says, “Parent? Parent? Do you even care that my dream is to be a DJ? Guardian? Are you drunk again? Don’t worry, I’ll keep my voice down. I don’t want the everyone in the neighborsphere to find out we’re not the pefect fucking home grouping!” #4. Instead of “opposite sex” say “different sex.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Why call out another sex as being “different” or “other”? #5. Instead of saying “Black list” say, “blocked list.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Wait till black people find out what “blocked list” used to be called and who changed it. Conspiracy much? Eenie meenie miney moe much? #6. Instead of “blind spot” say, “problem area.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So blind people are a “problem” now? #7. Instead of saying “OCD” say, “precise, particular.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So, we’re saying OCD people don’t need mental health help because they’re just precise people? Why don’t we just say people who can’t walk are just those really slow people who slither around on the ground to get places because they don’t need wheelchairs? #8. Instead of saying “man hours” say, “work hours.” WHY IT’S WRONG: So only men work? Seriously? #9. Instead of “maternity” leave, call it “gestational leave.” WHY IT’S WRONG: Gestate? Like a pachyderm? So now you’re calling women elephants? Body shame much? Legendary Business Icon Hody Granger gives you three minutes of his time. Will you blow it?3/6/2023  I’m Hody Granger. My connections at the Intergalactic Business Report recommended you and begged me to please, please, just give you five minutes of my time. I told them I’d give you three. So, what do you have to say? The clock is ticking.
Before you even start, let me guess. You want some advice on how to be rich. Or… you want me to invest in your business. Or—and this is the one that always makes me laugh—you want to offer me sexual favors in return for money. To that last one, I just have to ask, do you really want to spend your three minutes with me negotiating a blow job? Is that a good use of your opportunity? But, as they used to say, “It’s your dime. Shoot.” Two minutes left. I would suggest that with such little time on the clock you may want to open your mouth and say something. Oh, you’re saying you want to open your mouth but not because you want to say something. Ha ha. I get it. Very funny. You’re back to the blowjob thing. Yes, you’ve appealed to my sense of humor but you’re still wasting your time. Unless we’re talking about a discount rate, and you can prove you’re not a cop. Are you a cop? Are you a fucking cop? Is that what this is all about? Are you offering sex for money and then a bunch of your friends are going to pop out and arrest me? Is that what you wanted to do? Did you think you could fool me again? One minute remaining in your plot to dethrone me. I will only answer questions about business. Not dick sucking. Not anything having to do with sex for money. O.K.? Are you going to say something? Are you? Why are you just sitting there? All right. Seventy bucks. That’s my final offer. Eighty-five if you sign this NDA. So… What do you say? The guys told me you were cool. Are you cool? Jesus. Are you a fucking cop? Time’s up. I’m out of here. I’m at the Mandarin Oriental. Under the name Rick Franchione. Stop by later. Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at [email protected].  Before we move on to a totally new and original new year, the editors at the Intergalactic Business Report want to give you an article full of recycled articles about all the stuff we did last year. 2022 was an astounding time for our publication as we finally began to… Well, just read the recap.
We began 2022 with a sustained invective against “Dry January,” and announced our own countermeasure called, “Wet as Fuck February.” By February, one company had signed up. That was pretty much it for the movement, but stay tuned about a month from now when we probably try to dredge it up again. We dipped into travel and cultural awareness when we shared readers’ travel stories, like taking a dump on the floor of a Spanish bus. So funny. We also went down a Reditt hole and attacked foreigners for attacking us. Not as funny. Almost a little uncomfortable when we got really really mad at them for criticizing the American education system that produced a lot of the great writers you read here. Entertainment news focused on the usual back-handed attacks on Ryan Reynolds and shit about the Bachelor. We discovered a wolfman who was threatening the cast of Southern Charm and created some new Real Housewives taglines. We also pitched new country-specific Squid Games series and horror movies based on famous stuff whose copyrights had run out. Oh, and Chris Pratt may kill you. As always, we gave you great business advice, like avoiding emails to employees in which you offer to trade sex for drugs. Business icon Hody Granger told you how to beat inflation by offering to suck dicks at gas stations and former waiter Trence Forway explained how to get rich and wear a cool hat. We reached peak public service when we announced our new program to match dudes who said they would have sex with themselves if they could, with dudes who looked like them. Also, Cedric Bigglestone took Steve Harvey’s advice and well… We taught you how to live out of your pick-up truck, and how to make your life a Hallmark movie. And don’t forget how fitness expert Jonny Ripkin showed you how to get ripped by six a.m. tomorrow. There was much more, including a Lethal Weapon guide to picking up women in grocery stores and what Craig Robinson’s nuts taste like, but we’ll let you explore our site at www.intergalacticbiz.com. Another year and I’m done writing now. Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor An Inc Magazine article sends Cedric Bigglestone on an investigative journey. By Cedric Bigglestone.11/8/2022  When a mysterious article shows up in Inc Magazine, exposé writer Cedric Bigglestone is drawn into a world of madness, treachery, and deceit. Will he, and you, ever be the same?
PART ONE: I see the article. If you know me, you know I read articles. Today is no different. I see a delightful piece on how Carebears from the 1980’s had symbols on their stomachs that represented their personalities. That’s like me, I think. I sift through my feed, mark a few things for my “reading list” and then stop dead in my tracks when I come across an Inc Magazine article titled: “Five brutal truths about leading other people no one is willing to admit.” What. The. Fuck. Inc is claiming that it’s compiled a list of things people won’t admit? How’s that possible? I must read on. PART TWO: I read the article, but something’s wrong. As I read through the article, it jumps almost straightaway to listing five “truths” about leadership. Things like “giving your employees purposeful work” and “reducing loneliness in the workplace.” My first question: If no one is willing to admit these things, then how did you get the story? I look to the word “willing.” Hmmmm, I think, a buzzing “hmmm” sound going through my head. Willing. No one would give up this information willingly. Did this motherfucker torture people for this information? PART THREE: I dive deeper into madness. If you write an article about something no one is “willing to admit” then it should end after the headline (because you have nothing) or you have to coerce the answers from “unwilling” subjects. I won't mention the author’s name for fear of ending up in a basement somewhere and being asked to tell my secret views about leadership, but I do find that one of his “tips” at the end of the article is to give employees freedom. “Love them by giving them their freedom,” he writes. He continues: “Autonomy, or the ability to control what you do, when you do it, and with whom, is one of the fundamental elements of what intrinsically motivates human beings, which leads to better performance.” He should have added, “especially when they’re chained to a chair in your basement and being asked about shit they won’t admit.” PART FOUR: I consider maybe I’m misreading this. Two CEO’s (or something like that) are interviewed in the article. Were they beaten into confessions? Is this why the truths are “brutal”? How is Inc Magazine getting away with this, I wonder. Unless…. That’s when it hits me. None of it is true. The author tells us this right from the start. He says he’s going to name five things no one will admit. He and the people he cites are admitting stuff. This means that whatever they’re saying is a lie and we should know that. And if that’s what this article is really trying to say (that everything in it is a lie because if it weren’t it wouldn’t be publishable because no one would admit it) then everything in it is really the opposite of the truth, which, of course, reveals the truth itself…. PART FIVE: I conclude the dude who wrote this is a genius. Marcel Schwantes (whose last name I say kind of like “schwiiiing” in Wayne’s World) is a genius. This is clear. He couldn’t tell us the things no one (including himself) would admit. That would be impossible. But he could give us the opposite so that someone (like me?) would discover the truth. I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding. PART SIX: I reread the article noting my new knowledge and understanding. Want to know the real “5 brutal truths no one is willing to admit”? I’m going to tell you now by going through the fake truths and then revealing what I believe the opposites are: FAKE TRUTH: “Putting your employees ahead of customers.” REAL TRUTH: “Not putting your customers behind employees.” MEANING: I’ll be honest here. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to do the opposite of the general idea or the opposite of every part of the phrase. Because this makes no fucking sense. FAKE TRUTH: “Giving your employees purposeful work.” REAL TRUTH: “Not giving your customers non-purposeful leisure time.” MEANING: O.K. I tried it again and it works a lot better for this one. Don’t give customers free time that doesn’t have a purpose. Makes sense. FAKE TRUTH: “Reducing loneliness in the workplace.” REAL TRUTH: “Increasing human interaction at home.” MEANING: Radical, and maybe intrusive. But it’s something no one would admit. FAKE TRUTH: “Bringing more humanity to the workforce.” REAL TRUTH: “Leaving behind less animal behavior away from unemployed people.” MEANING: This could mean not having pets or something. I'm still working on it. FAKE TRUTH: “Loving your employees.” REAL TRUTH: “Hating my boss.” MEANING: Bingo. Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at [email protected]. |
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