As an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report, I’m often asked to write about my opinion. I always joke that opinions are like blueprints for sex machines you can’t figure out how to build because you’re the one who came up with the blueprints and don’t really what a blueprint is—everyone’s got one!
Anyway… This week I thought I’d delve into something that’s been on my mind for quite a while and that’s the fact that people won’t give me their money.
It's a complicated subject that really shouldn’t be complicated. To make it as simple as possible, I’ll just say this: You should give me your money. But, in case that isn’t simple enough for you, I’ve listed eleven iron-clad reasons why you should. Please read them. Then give me your money.
1. Most of the great ideas of the last ten or twenty years were originally mine but I never said anything. Instead, I just let people go on and make money off them. I never asked for royalties, recognition, or even free stuff. I just sucked it up and watched everyone get rich. Now I’m here to cash in and take my cut of just like maybe 10% of the Gross Domestic Product, whatever that is.
2. Sometimes, when people do give me their money, they think I am mugging them because I often grab them and say, “Give me your fucking money!” I want to go on the record that the people who gave it to me because they thought I was threatening them should now come out and give me more money, but this time just because they want to.
3. There are a lot of things you can invest your money in. I’m better than that. Mostly because I offer zero percent return on your investment. Think about it. You no longer need to worry about whether your money is “making you money” because that doesn’t even sound like it makes sense anyway. Instead of the stress and anxiety of whatever making money on an investment is, you could just hand it to me and be done with it.
4. Sometimes, when I ask for peanut butter, I accidentally say “Penis Butter.” Am I the only one who does that?
5. Unlike people who need money, I just want it. That is a more pure vision than those other people. Need is begging. Want is being in charge. Put me in charge of your money.
6. There is an ancient prophecy that foretells that anyone who gives me money will make tenfold the amount they gave me. It also says that when you do make all that extra money, I will show up and ask for it. So try to make like twenty-fold, so you’ll have something left over.
7. You don’t have to just give me cash. Right now, I’m really into music royalties, back end movie money, and digital art. If you have any of those, please don’t be embarrassed to give them to me instead.
8. Even if you don’t have a lot of money, every little bit counts. Only have a hundred bucks? Twenty bucks? I’ll take whatever. Just don’t tell me you don’t have at least twenty fucking dollars because that’s a fucking lie.
9. I communicate with animals and they all tell me you should give me money. Have a dog or cat or some other animal living in your house that you think loves you? That same pet just told me they will never go to heaven unless you give me your money. The universe is cruel, I know.
10. Money is fake anyway. It’s really like giving me air and me saying, “Thanks for the fake nothing.” Only instead you’re handing me hundred-dollar bills and gold coins.
11. Penis spelled backwards is sinep. My dog told me to write that. It means absolutely nothing but he makes me do shit like that so I’ll look crazy. What a dick.
You’ve discovered what’s surely your dream job and you’re a finalist for the position. You want to tell your future employers that you’ll do anything to be hired… but watch out.
As the number one authority on human resources practices and advice, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals some of the most common things prospective employees blurt out when they try too hard to close the deal. If you say any of these 8 things, you may come off as too desperate and actually blow your chances.
1. “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick, man! Just give me this job and I’ll suck your dick…every day… O.K.? Do I get the job?”
2. “I don’t need money. I just need a place to sleep. Like at my desk. And I don’t need health care. I don’t plan on getting sick ever. I may need to shower, but that’s cool if I can’t use the bathroom. I’ll just try to find a rest area or something, which will be convenient because I’ll be living out of my car.”
3. “I’m willing to not just suck your dick, but the dicks of all your friends too. I will just spend my day sucking dicks for you… Does that work? Will you please hire me now?”
4. “I can fit more than one dick in my mouth, in case you’re wondering. That means if you give me this job, I can probably stuff like two or three or maybe even four in there. When do I start?”
5. “I’m not opposed to donkey sex shows starring me and I’m willing to move to Mexico, or wherever, if that’s where you need me to do a donkey sex show.”
6. “I can see you’re considering what to say to me next. I’m going to stop you right there. Just whip out those dicks, and I can show you why I’m the perfect person for the job. Don’t have a dick? I can do other stuff too. Just give me the job. Ha ha. Did you hear what I just said? Give me the job? Like a blow job? Ha ha. But seriously. Please let me give you a blowjob. And then give me the other, real job, too.”
7. “Do you need drugs? I can get you drugs. I’ll go out on the street and find some. You have something you need covered up? I can do that. I’ll kill someone. Is that what you need? Is that what you fucking need?”
8. “I’m probably the only employee you’ll ever have who’s cool with being filmed taking a dump. I consider that ‘taking one for the team.’ Get it? Do you want to film me taking a dump? I can do it right now. Right here. Oh, man. Too late. I just shit my pants.”
As the unquestioned leader in business news and information, the Intergalactic Business Report avoids making outrageous claims or irresponsible predictions. But after speaking with an anonymous financial expert, we couldn’t help but be swayed by his solid arguments and insights about a probable economic crash and his simple advice for what you can do to avoid it. We’ve excerpted some of the most important parts of our interview with him below:
INTERVIEWER: Anonymous means we can’t say your name, right?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Yes.
INTERVIEWER: (Speaking to one of our interns) Can someone please get Jeff a cup of fucking coffee?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t drink coffee.
INTERVIEWER: (To an intern) Can someone please get me a fucking drink then?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Are we going to talk about the coming economic breakdown?
INTERVIEWER: I guess. What about it?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: In a very short time, there is a very good chance that…
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t beer. I wanted a fucking beer. What’s this?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I really want to tell your readers about this. It’s so important.
INTERVIEWER: Look at this drink. What the fuck is this? It’s a cocktail or something, right? I wanted a beer.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: It looks like a gin and tonic?
INTERVIEWER: Do you know who drinks gin and tonics?
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Who?
INTERVIEWER: Street performers.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: I don’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: Yeah, you probably wouldn’t.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Uh, are we going to discuss what you asked me to talk about…?
INTERVIEWER: Yeah yeah. Sure. Talk.
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Well… I’ve calculated that, to be totally safe and hold on to all your money, you need to do is…
INTERVIEWER: (Taking the beer from the intern who fucking finally brought it) This isn’t fucking Schlitz! I drink Schlitz!
ECONOMIC EXPERT: Do you really want me here?
INTERVIEWER: I don’t know… Can you get me a fucking Schlitz?
EDITORS’ NOTE: There was some other stuff that happened too. But this is what we thought was the most important and useful in the very short term to save your finances. Again, economics and money matters are complicated. Please use this information carefully and speak with your financial advisor before acting on it.
Please tell these in a scary voice with a flashlight pointed at your face:
STORY ONE: There once was a CEO named Chet who had a biiiig bonus coming his way. It was large. Veeeery veeery large. But then he shoooowed his penis to his administraaaaative assistant, and she told huuuuuuman resources on him. Now Chet spends his days in the daaarkness of his forty thousand square foot maaaaansion on the beeeeeach, because he had already accumulated soooo much wealth, that even the sexual harassment laaaawsuit couldn’t take all of it away. Moo ha ha ha ha.
STORY TWO: CEO Troy had a huuuuge layoff planned. It would finally rid him of four thousaaaaand clingy employees who reliiiiied on him for their financial fuuuutures. So on Halloween eve, he told his Vice-president for huuuman resources to “pull the triiiiger, and fiiiiire them all,” and then he called them all “a bunch of parasiiiites who deserved to be pooooor…..” But Troy was being recoooorded, by the VP, who wanted to ouuuuust him so that heeee would be seen by the chairman of the boooard as having high emoooootional intelligence, because that was a thiiiing now. The recording was released to the meeeeeedia…. And Troy, not the employees, was terminated…. * Moo ha ha….
STORY THREE: Halloween is no time to be enacting new vacation policies at your corporation…. Take the story of Miles, CEO of a gigaaaaantic multi-naaaaational conglomerate, who decided on a late October morning that employee vacations would be cut down to three days a year, regaaaardless of how long they had wooorked there. He believed this would increase productivity, by keeping them at their desks for loooooonger every year. But Miles’s general counsel was incoooompetent, and didn’t realize that this vioooolated many laaaaabor laws, especially in countries like Germaaaaany and all those places where they wooork to live and not live to wooork…. Now Miles lives to goooolf and siiit by his pooool that he bought with all his coporate boooonuses. But he is no longer CEO. Moo ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.
*Troy did receive like a zillion dollar payout for being fired, so he’s fine with money. Just don’t ask him about the legality of recording devices and all of that bullshit because he won’t stop talking about it for a week. Stick to asking him about golf or porn. Or how much money he has.
Through yet another exclusive success study, the Intergalactic Business Report has made a stunning discovery that will change the way human beings function. Interviews of four thousand* high success leaders** have revealed that they use 7 phrases more often than common people like you. Maybe if you use these too, you’ll be successful? Read on and find out.
1. “Hey butler whose name I forget! Fetch me my blunderbuss so I can shoot at peasants!”
2. “Bring dat yacht around. I’m ready to find some French hookers at the marina!”
3. “Go buy me some stuff with all my money. Wait. Not all my money. Just a lot of it. But not so much that I don’t still have a lot of money.”
4. “I just shit in a public restroom as a joke. Maddy and Suffolk will explode in frivolity when they hear this!”
5. “I think that beggar cast a spell on me with his eyes. Dispatch of him Rudolph!”
6. “Do you have any Grey Poupon?”
7. “Stop touching my money, Barret! I use it to relax in and I don’t want your filthy hands all over it.”
**Guys we met at a bar.
There you are. Sitting in the conference room of dreams and trying to keep your mind in place while your prospective employers pepper you with questions. Your taco hole opens to respond, but you’re not sure what mouth words to make and you panic. Should you compliment them on something? Give them your salary requirements? Ask where the bathroom is?
Whatever you say, don’t say the following nine deadly interview enders:
1. “When I walked into your building I had a premonition of it all burning down and me, just standing there in the rubble, laughing.”
2. “I don’t know what you just asked because I was thinking about porn. So, let’s change the subject for a second. If this were a porn, which one of you would have the largest dong? And, follow up question, can we make this whole thing into a porn? Right now?”
3. “Bee boo boop beep. That’s my tech knowledge.”
4. “Before I answer that question, I just want to clarify something. I don’t make booty calls. I TAKE booty calls. Now what were you saying?”
5. “There’s Grover, I guess. But I think he’s probably fucking Cookie Monster or Oscar, because Oscar is nasty and he’ll have sex with anyone. I’m sorry, didn’t you just ask me about Sesame Street?”
6. “In the grand scheme of things, none of this matters. Not you. Not the other guy there, whose name I forget. None of you matter. I matter. But that’s just because I’m alone in the universe and none of you exist.”
7. “I’m gonna rap my answer to that question. Uh huh… Uh huh… Can someone give me a fucking beat? Jesus. Forget it.”
8. “Let me just say this. Clowns aren’t born. Clowns are made. Who made you people into such clowns?”
9. “I’ve had my finger up my butt this whole time. Can you repeat the question?”
A toxic colleague can be hard to spot. They tend to subtly chip away at office morale in ways you may not even notice. Below we list what toxic people almost always do at work but that often goes under the radar. Many of these behaviors appear normal on the surface, but they actually show a deeper and almost undetectable level of disdain for co-workers. Look out for these seven signs:
1. He lights you on fire and says, “Sick burn!”
2. Whenever you find her in the break room squatting over a pot of coffee, she says she’s having “lady problems” and acts offended. Then a few minutes later, she brings you coffee.
3. At a baby shower, she comes dressed as a baby and takes all the gifts.
4. On an office retreat, he shows a power point presentation of himself, four hours earlier, wearing the bagels and donuts you just ate, on his dick.
5. He replaces your food in the breakroom fridge with perfect replicas made of laxatives and lab-grade cocaine.
6. When someone has a minor injury, she jumps in and says she used to be a nurse/paramedic/pre-med student and then goes straight to a full anal probe with a stapler.
7. When you leave work, he’s almost always just sitting there in the back seat of your car. And when you ask him to leave, he pretends he can’t speak. Then, when you finally drive away, he waits till you’re on the highway and asks if you can drop him off at his house, which is 25 miles in the opposite direction. Then he acts like he’s going to murder you for the rest of the ride.
1. Newharting: This is where couples buy historic Inns in Vermont just to have sex in them.
2. Apocolypsing: Ultra-wealthy couples buy cult compounds and then bring an actual end of days upon them, which is kind of a win-win for everyone involved.
3. Playing HORSE for body parts: This is just like the basketball game HORSE, only every time a poor person misses a shot, he has to donate an organ or limb to his rich sponsor.
4. Paying poor people to live in the middle ages: Full medieval villages are constructed for this real life gaming experience where struggling actors are paid to play peasants in the roles of their lives (because they sign contracts to do this for, literally, the rest of their lives). The rich people live in castles because they’re the kings and queens, and they show up occasionally to rule over their serfs. Sometimes, they need to put down a revolt. Other times, there’s a drought. It just kind of depends.
5. Fake UFOing: Some super-wealthy people construct multi-million dollar flying machines that they take around rural areas at night just to fuck with people. In a recent news story, multi-billionaire Jeffrey Von Dunnestead was arrested for landing, capturing, and probing two men he came upon near a Nebraska cornfield. He said he was just joking and was released immediately.
6. Telemarketing: In high-stakes contests with other rich people, the ultra-wealthy compete to see if they can sell random shit to middle-class Americans who are trying to eat dinner and hear the phone ring and then argue about answering it because it’s probably a telemarketer.
7. Shoeselling: Here, rich foot fetishists buy shoe stores just so they can go in and touch your feet. They have no intention of selling you the shoes. They don’t even really understand how money on that level works anymore.
8. Demolition Yacht Derby: This yearly event takes place in different high-end yachting locations (see: Saint-Tropez, Monaco, Ibiza) where the super-wealthy watch from the docks as their captains smash their boats into each other till they all just sink.
9. Manwich night: Instead of caviar and Dom Perignon, the super wealthy now ironically hold “manwich nights” where they imbibe Miller High Life and eat sloppy joes.
Avoid using these common passive aggressive phrases the next time you send an email:
1. “Go fuck yourself. I fucking hate you, Ricky. I wish you’d just fucking quit or die, but mostly die.”
2. “I just want to thank you for being such a dumb fuck. It makes me feel better about myself knowing there’s someone dumber than me in this world.”
3. “Let’s have lunch sometime soon so I can tell you to your face what a cocksucker you are.”
4. “I want to thank you in advance for completely fucking up this project. I’m just predicting the future here.”
5. “I hate to ask this, but can you have plastic surgery so that I forget what your face looks like?”
6. “Hope you had a great weekend just fucking around while I had to spend mine fixing all your fucking mistakes, you fucking fuckhead.”
When you’re at work, you want to be the best fake person you can possibly be. But all too often you unwittingly fail by committing any of these ten errors in presenting yourself to your colleagues, bosses, or clients.
To help get your fakeness back on track, the Intergalactic Business Report uncovers what you’re doing that’s holding you back. Change these today or have your job go away.
ERROR ONE: You hold four-hour-long séances in the break room where you try to contact the ghost of the sandwich you ate last week.
ERROR TWO: When your boss asks you if you have a report ready, you pull out your penis, look down, and say, “Yes. It’s ready.”
ERROR THREE: You hide in coat closets and then hand people their coats when they’re ready to leave. When Janice forgot to grab her coat one Friday, you spent the weekend in there, waiting…
ERROR FOUR: At the office Halloween party, you fill your pants with apples and try to hold a bobbing contest.
ERROR FIVE: Every time Brett from accounting asks for your receipts, you start speaking a fake, offensive, Chinese-sounding language until he just walks away.
ERROR SIX: You consider your scrotum a pet and let it out on “bring your pet to the office” day.
ERROR SEVEN: You adore Steve from sales so much that you announce to everyone that you’re formally adopting him, even though he’s older than you and has complained to HR that you keep appearing in the back seat of his car. You continue on with the adoption process anyway.
ERROR EIGHT: People aren’t allowed in the bathroom unless they can answer one of your riddles or wrestle you down. And you don’t even know the answers to your riddles anymore because you ran out of good ones and just make stuff up now like: “What’s bigger than a breadbox but also exactly the same size as a breadbox?”
ERROR NINE: You call emergency meetings and when everyone gets there you just ask, “Who’s ready to jam?” And then you wait…
ERROR TEN: You’ve decided that you will speak Klingon and that everyone needs to adapt to this change. Only you don’t speak Klingon and when some IT guys try to speak it to you, you just have to grunt and kind of pretend you agree with whatever they’re saying.
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