Study: America’s least productive people are becoming even less productive. What it means for America.
Blame it on COVID. Blame it on technology. Blame it on the rain. America’s economy, once based on hard work and enterprise, has turned towards figuring out what you can stick up your butt while you forget it’s a weekday and you’re supposed to be at work but who cares.
The Intergalactic Business Report’s new study on worker productivity delivers some key, never-before-seen takeaways on employee behaviors:
Key findings from the IBR study on worker productivity.
1. Peter Henning has missed so much work that he has what doctors are calling “self-targeted dementia” in which someone forgets what he does for a living by simply never doing anything for a living.
2. Randy Sevenier called in sick for six weeks straight. Most people don’t remember what his face looks like. This gives him almost total anonymity outside of the office and he never has to worry about running into “somebody from work” when he’s out, just fucking around somewhere.
3. Sarah Tarkanian just sits there. Doing nothing. All day. And yet the world hasn’t ended.
4. Ellis Dewstrap used to take steamy dumps that missed most of the toilet. Now he barely shows up for work and when he does, he tends to just piss on the floor.
5. Rhoda Day was the woman who cleaned the men’s bathrooms after hours. She just cleans up pee instead of poop on the floor now. That seems like a good thing.
6. Phil Ratuliak, who claims he works 60 hours a week but is actually hiding in his office watching videos on how to suck his own dick has now learned how to suck his own dick, proving that spending sixty hours a week watching a video on how to suck your own dick can lead to actually learning how to suck your own dick, which is good, right?
7. Eustacius Briggs died in 1883. His productivity is zero.
8. Marvin DeRobbins feels his nutsack every thirty minutes and does it for maybe 30 seconds. That means in a year he probably handles his nuts for around 520 minutes. That’s like 8 ½ hours. What the fuck?
9. Trish Newhouse, who goes to lunch every day at eleven o’clock and returns just before the office closes has been kidnapped. Probably. Nope, there she is. It’s 5 o’clock.
10. Derrek Fogarty filed a worker’s comp claim because he masturbated too hard at his desk and broke his dick or something. Now he can only beat off with a special glove. His productivity level for jacking off is unheard of. His productivity level for work is also unheard of, because no one has ever heard of him doing anything but tugging his rope all day.
11. Turns out Derrek Fogarty is not even an employee. There was a whole, “I thought you hired him. I didn’t hire him” thing going on.
12. This article was due to editors in July of 2021.
Everyone is in sales. That’s what people who say “everyone is in sales” say. This revelation has led the Intergalactic Business Report to issue never-before-seen guidance on how to counter common sales objections that would usually leave you defeated and weak.
Instead of cowering to negative responses, program these scripted retorts into your brain and get a “yes” every time.
CUSTOMER: I’m sorry. Do I know you?
YOU: Does anyone really know anyone?
CUSTOMER: Can you please get away from my car?
YOU: It’s a free country. And your car is in it.
CUSTOMER: I’m going to call the cops.
YOU: Call me instead. I can be here in zero seconds.
CUSTOMER: Are you mentally ill?
YOU: In 1980’s rap terminology, yes. Also in present-day American Psychological Association terminology.
CUSTOMER: Are you drunk?
YOU: Only if I have my penis out. Yup. I’m drunk.
CUSTOMER: If you touch me I will kick your ass.
YOU: If you kick me I will touch your ass.
CUSTOMER: What did you do to my car?
YOU: Just drew a picture of a penis on it. It’s called customization.
CUSTOMER: You smell like shit.
YOU: That says more about the shit than about me.
CUSTOMER: Did you just take a dump on the hood of my car?
CUSTOMER: Put your hands behind your head and get on your knees.
YOU: That would make it almost impossible for me to masturbate.
Drop shipping? Freelance affiliate marketing? Forget all that and learn the real way to create wealth fast with no education, money, or effort. Instant multi-millionaire Trence Forway tells you how.
Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty chicks at Olive Garden. Read how he does it below:
WHO AM I AND WHY AM I WRITING THIS?
Hey, I’m Trence Forway, and I’m just a regular guy who figured out a way to make literally millions of dollars overnight, and, believe me, if I can do it, you can too. So, if I know how to make so much money, why would I share it with you? That’s the ultimate question, and I’ll give you the ultimate answer: Because I can’t make any more money so I may as well just write a column giving away all my secrets because by doing so, there is almost a one hundred percent chance that some hot skanky women will read this and be like, “Oh, you’re the guy who drives a lambo and makes all that money?”
WAIT. YOU DRIVE A LAMBO?
Yes. And I also wear a hat.
THAT’S SO COOL. SO, DID YOU SAY YOU CAN’T MAKE ANY MORE MONEY? HUH?
I know, I know, it sounds weird, but the system I created (and which you can have for free) made me so much money, so fast, that I can’t make any more than I already do. That’s right. I have so much money that I go to the bank and they’re just like, “Sorry. We’re out.” When I ask if I can come back later, they say, “You don’t understand. You have all the money in the world.”
HOW CAN ONE PERSON HAVE ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD?
Ask the bank, I guess.
O.K. I’M SOLD. I WANT TO LEARN, FOR FREE, ABOUT YOUR SECRET TO MAKING SO MUCH MONEY.
You’re not going to believe how simple it is. In fact, when I do tell you what it is, you’re going to be surprised, if not entirely blown away, by how this has been looking you in your face your whole life and you didn’t even notice it.
GREAT. SO WHAT’S THE SECRET?
I used to be a waiter. Seriously. I was a dude who brought food out to people and said stuff like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” That was me. But now, I drive a lambo and I have all kinds of women who want to not only talk to me, but in many cases want to have sex with me afterwards! Can you believe that turnaround? At one point, in my waiter days, hot chicks would come in and I’d be like, “I’m Trence, and I’ll be taking care of you today.” And all they’d say back to me was, “Great. I want a Tito’s and soda with two limes.”
I FEEL LIKE YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE SECRET AND INSTEAD YOU’RE JUST KIND OF TALKING ABOUT HOW RICH YOU ARE AND DESCRIBING SOME AWKWARD ENCOUNTERS YOU HAD WITH WOMEN.
Fair enough. But before I tell you how my system works, I want to explain it with an analogy, so that it makes sense to you. If you pull up to an Olive Garden in a Kia it makes a totally different impression to the hostess than if you drive up in a lambo, like I do. Even if she doesn’t see you drive up in it, she can feel it when you enter because you just look like you drive a lambo. Also, I have a hat, so that kind of completes the look.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO ACTUALLY SHARE ANYTHING WITH ME, ARE YOU?
It depends on whether or not you’re a hot chick who maybe is a little (or a lot) skanky.
I’M NOT. SHOULD I JUST STOP READING NOW?
Yes. Please do that.
I AM A SKANK. AND PRETTY HOT.
Are you impressed by my lambo? And my hat?
THE HAT KIND OF SUCKS. BUT I’M INTO THE CAR.
It’s not “a car.” It’s a fucking lambo.
WHATEVER. I’LL STILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU.
Cool. You wanna go to the Olive Garden first?
SURE. I WORK THERE AS A HOSTESS, SO I’LL JUST SEE YOU WHEN MY SHIFT IS OVER AT 9.
I want to eat though. I don’t want to just show up and leave. Can you get me free food?
NO. BUT THERE IS A DEAL WHERE YOU GET UNLIMITED BREADSTICKS AND SOUP.
NO. YOU HAVE TO PAY. I THOUGHT YOU HAD UNLIMITED MONEY.
I do. But it’s tied up in a lot of shit. I’m kind of living in the lambo right now.
Trence Forway used to be a waiter. Now he drives a lambo and gets nasty girls at bars. There’s not much else to say. If you have questions or comments for him, send us a note at firstname.lastname@example.org.
New IBR service matches dudes who say they would have sex with themselves with dudes who look like them.
In what can only be described as the biggest breakthrough in dating services in the past decade, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced a new program that matches men who say they would have sex with themselves if they could with men who look like them.
How it works.
Test study Randy Branigan was the first to be approached by IBR when he announced at Ruben’s Bar and Grill that he would “definitely fuck himself” if he could duplicate his body or meet his double. This gave Intergalactic Business Report editors the idea to match Randy with his dream man, by finding another five-foot-nine twenty-something bro with a baseball cap. This took seven seconds.
Some bumps in the road.
Believing we would be thanked for finding Randy’s perfect match, we were instead threatened when we introduced him to Brent, who also threatened us. There was a lot of initial feedback received at this point. Mostly stuff about not being “gay” followed by some more stuff about how being gay was “cool” and then some descriptions of gay friendships they had where their friend was gay but they weren’t gay together.
We’re pretty sure Brent and Randy ended up fucking each other after talking about gay sex for so long. So, our new program is a success. Do you want to have sex with yourself if yourself was an actual person you could meet tonight? Maybe Go Fuck Yourself is for you. We’ve been putting together people with “themselves” since yesterday and you could be next. Somebody just said something about how we can’t say to get in touch with us because that would be like advertising for prostitution or something, like he’s a fucking lawyer or something. We’re done writing now. Goodbye.
Columnist Cedric Bigglestone doesn’t just watch motivational self-help internet clips of Steve Harvey—he lives them. Read his story below.
I’m not sure if Steve Harvey has a t.v. show or if he just appears to me whenever I turn on the internet and tells me stuff no one else is supposed to hear. And I’m not sure it matters. Because of him, I’ve garnered knowledge and insights that have totally changed the way I live and look at my life. I can’t go through all the wisdom in one column, so I’m just going to start with some life-altering advice Steve gave me about a month ago when he appeared to me on my phone.
In this vision, Steve talked to me about buying a first-class ticket on an airline. He said that I should buy this because once I did, and experienced the luxury of it, it would train my mind to figure out ways to get back into first class. Wow. But that wasn’t all. He added that I should also buy myself a super expensive suit to just see how it felt on me. This too, he promised, would help train my mind to want really nice things. I did what he said and my life will never be the same. Here’s how it went:
PHASE ONE: I try to buy the first-class ticket.
This part was easy. It didn’t matter where the flight went, because that wasn’t the fucking point, right? So I just kind of looked at a map and tried to choose a place that looked cool, fun, and like where Steve Harvey would go if he were a real person and not an apparition or whatever he is. I didn’t realize how many god damn places there were to travel. It’s more than you’d think. Why the fuck would they make so many places on a map? Fuck.
PHASE TWO: This shit is hard.
PHASE THREE: I just pick a city.
But that’s hard too. Where the fuck do I want to fly? And Once I get there, what the fuck do I do? I guess masturbate in the bathroom till my return flight? I choose Phoenix. Done. The ticket costs around $2,500. I don’t have anywhere near that in my bank account, but I can max out a credit card and maybe see if anyone at the airport wants to see my dick for money so I can pay it off.
PHASE FOUR: I buy a $6,000 suit.
I really really don’t have the money for this, but Steve Harvey said do it, and I do what he commands. All my credit cards are at their limit and so far nobody will pay to see my dick, so I need to come up with another way to buy an expensive suit so I can begin training my mind for success. I am told the mafia is a good backup if you can’t get credit anywhere, and that their rates are something like you borrow money and then you pay back whatever it is times two the next week, once you win at gambling or something. Seems like a good deal, so I start asking around if anyone knows anyone in the mafia who will lend me money. Surprisingly, nobody helps me. Makes me think no wonder the mafia isn’t doing very well. They don’t even want business from sophisticated businessmen like me (see, Steve? I’m already training myself to be successful).
My only option is to float a check to a stupid friend of mine who gives me the money after saying stuff like, “Are you sure you can cover this? You don’t even have a job.” But, like I said, he’s stupid, and my strategy is that when the check bounces I’m going to play it off as a prank, so it’s not illegal. You just got punked! It’ll work, right? Steve, are you there?
PHASE FIVE: I wear my suit and fly to Phoenix.
Not really. I don’t even make it through TSA because I ask one of them if they’d pay money to see my dick and also because I’m carrying a samurai sword and some other shit because in my vision of success, people who have the finer things in life have swords and poison darts they carry through airports on their way to first class, and the TSA guy is just like, oh, nice suit, please proceed to your flight, sir!
PHASE SIX: My mind is working to get me back in first class.
Just as my spirit guide Steve Harvey promised, I am totally freaking out and using my mind to get me first-class tickets and Armani suits. I’m going to see if I can get a sports car using this method next. I’m also starting to finally figure out that maybe what Steve Harvey was really saying was that if I can rid myself of all my material belongings, like money, then, in my mind, I can be super wealthy and fly first class in a tailor-made suit. Fuck. Is that what he meant? I think I just reached level two. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. Contact him at email@example.com.
As worries about inflation and the economy soar, iconic investor Hody Granger shares his insights on how you or anyone can find wealth by following four simple tips. But are you ready to accept them?
THE PROBLEM: INFLATION.
Inflation is the highest it’s been in 40 years, and Americans worry this runaway train will never stop, devaluing their money and assets as it crashes the economy.
Inflation is based on currency and money, which is printed by the government. Ever since we went off the gold standard, all money, in my mind, is essentially worthless. Instead of money, you should be doing stuff that is worth more than money. Like the stuff I do, that makes me super rich without even having money at all. If you don’t do that, then you’re stupid and living for something that doesn’t even exist.
But, alas, most Americans have been conditioned, since they were born, to believe that money is real and that it’s important to have. Until you’re willing to see beyond that, you will always be poor.
THE PROBLEM: RISING INTEREST RATES.
The fed will soon raise interest rates to combat inflation, but this will make it harder to buy a house and pay off debts, many fear.
If you’re talking about a home mortgage or credit card debt, then I’m going to tell you straight up that you’re just stupid if you own a home, have credit cards, or live somewhere that you pay for. I know a lot of people will say that sounds crazy but I haven’t paid a mortgage or rent in over thirty years. Instead, I just make money. And tons of it.
The solution is simple. You buy into low-interest shift loans, which are essentially just re-purposed debt vehicles piggy-backed onto low-yield, soft, micro loans, meant for someone in a developing country, but you get it instead through a mediator or broker. You add a middleman in order to cut out the guy who comes after him. But you’ve probably never heard of this, because you’ve been conditioned to “think poor” and give in to banks and lenders who are laughing all the way to their offices (which are banks).
THE PROBLEM: FOOD AND GAS COSTS.
The cost of food and gas are skyrocketing, hitting families and businesses hard.
Unless you own a farm that also drills and refines petroleum, you probably feel you’re in deep trouble as these costs rise. But only if you see food and gas as essential to your life. Much like banks, which I find useless, fuel (both for your body or your automobile) are imaginary entities that are sold to you as essentials.
Let me explain that one a little further. You eat food. You pump gas. You pay money. Take those three away and now you’re not consuming grocery store or restaurant items, gasoline, or spending any of your savings. How is that a bad idea? And yet, most Americans have been taught that eating and driving cars is worth their money and they’ve been conditioned to do it no matter what the cost. Just stop and it all goes away.
Another trick I’ve picked up over the years is that if your food and gas costs ever get too high, you can hang around one of those gas stations that has a supermarket inside and offer to suck people’s dicks for them to fill up your car and buy you a sandwich. But most people don’t do this, because they’ve been taught since birth that offering sex for money is “bad” or “unwholesome.” Tell that to the guy who just paid for my fuel and threw in a carwash as a tip.
THE PROBLEM: THE VALUE OF YOUR 401K IS DIMINISHING.
With a volatile stock market and money being worth less, investment portfolios are devalued each day, putting those soon to retire in a jam.
I always laugh when people tell me about their 401K plans. I call them, “I hope I have some money in that stupid account when I retire and don’t have much time to live” plans. I don’t have one and I never will. People think that’s crazy, but that’s only because, they, like you and most Americans, have been conditioned since the moment they were conceived in a threeway, to believe that saving money in an investment account somehow equals “good.”
I say to people, “Give me your 401K right now. Take the hit on early withdrawal. Take all the money out you can, and I’ll double it in six weeks by doing the stuff I do.”
Later on, they almost 100% tell me, “What the fuck did you do with all my money? That was my retirement account! I’m going to have to work until I die now! You promised me you’d double it.”
My response is almost always the same. If you rely on other people to manage your money, then you may as well just give it to me and I’ll literally convert it into cash and flush it down a toilet somewhere—most likely in a luxury hotel that I paid for with the money I didn’t literally flush down a toilet. Lesson learned.
Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
For days, the Intergalactic Business Report has been trying to get businesses and communities to recognize Wet as Fuck February as a valid month of celebration to make up for the horrors of Dry January. Finally, a company CEO has offered all his employees the entire month of February to spend misusing company time and drinking themselves into a bottle of shame distilled into pure joy.
While he has requested we redact his name and company from this reprint, he has allowed us to share his open memo to employees.
FROM: CORNELIUS----- CEO, ---- INCORPORATED.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: WET AS FUCK FEBRUARY
Dear members of the ---- team:
What started out as a simple request from a drunk employee has turned into a company-wide initiative, effective immediately. A couple moments ago, a man named Jarred approached me in the parking lot and demanded I recognize the month of February as something called “Wet as Fuck February.” He was clearly inebriated and agitated, and for a few moments, I feared for my safety. But then I started listening. And what he said made sense.
He explained that “Dry January” had ended and during that month the government of the United States declared a mini prohibition in which violators of strict no alcohol rules would be put to death by hit squads who took pleasure in enforcing murderous teetotaling rules and restrictions.
I told him I had never heard of this and that I was sure he was misinformed. He then exposed himself to me and security arrived to beat him down and remove him from the premises. Turns out, he didn’t even work for us. But that’s when it hit me that Jarred was right. I should allow everyone to simply fuck around for a month and take shits on the floor. I don’t care. I checked my bank account and I am so fucking wealthy you could all stop working and I’d still be rich.
This is why I am going ahead with Wet as Fuck February and I hope you enjoy it because the company will probably be completely ruined by March. On a national scale, I encourage other companies to follow my lead and go ahead with Wet as Fuck February and maybe even Wetter than Fuck March. I may even entertain the idea of Wettest Fuck April, if there is anything left of my business. So, starting now, all employees are welcome to begin drinking. It’s on me! (In the sense that you get a paycheck from me and now you will use that paycheck to pay for alcohol.)
Cornelius ----, CEO, ---- Incorporated.
You’ve heard it before. Words matter. Even if you have the best of intentions, the things you write or say can sometimes be misconstrued and even used against you. In the age of cancel culture and social media, business executives need to be especially wary of how they communicate, be it in an email, memo, or meeting.
Are you a business leader? Even if you aspire to be one, you should read these seven seven-word examples of common mistakes you may use at the office to express yourself. You will probably recognize several of these phrases and may even think, “I say that all the time.” Our advice, stop today, just to be safe. As innocuous as they may sound, they may offend or give the wrong impression.
It may take just seven words to cost you a seven-figure salary. See our examples below.
1. Opening line at the company picnic. “Welcome families! Here’s my penis. Enjoy it.”
2. All staff meeting intro. “Thank you for meeting today. I’m racist.”
3. Subject line in company-wide email. “To all females. Extra pay for boobies.”
4. Human Resources hiring suggestion. “Eef you speek like dis yer fired.”
5. Email to new employees. “Will swap sex for drugs. Call me.”
6. CEO message to shareholders. “Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis. You like?”
7. FYI to senior staff. “Twerked so hard I pooped my pants.”
Back in August we announced Drunk People Awareness Month to celebrate drunk people and appreciate their contributions to society. That was fun. And then came something called “Dry January” where people are encouraged to stop drinking alcohol for an entire month.
We can only speculate about the reasons behind Dry January, but we assume the following:
In stark contrast to Dry January, “Wet as Fuck February” will be a time to totally forget the preceding month by becoming so black out drunk that things like months are erased from your think-brain thing—what the fuck were we just talking about? Anyway, while Dry January emphasizes all the “cool” stuff you can do sober and encourages “positivity,” whatever that is, Wet as Fuck February will focus on all the cool stuff drunk people can do. For example, did you know that drunk people can play sports? Most people don’t know that.
Starting February 1, look forward to articles and features on great drunk Americans, drunk people in the workplace, and hacks for drunk people. It’s going to be one drinky, stinky month. Stay tuned.
The Intergalactic Business Report, Editorial team.
Much like a sitcom where the characters are stuck in an elevator and keep flashing back to previous episodes, we take the time to review all the things we wrote about this year so that we don’t have to do an article that takes time or thought.
2021 was a year that saw some stuff. And we covered it.
We began the year with some drama involving columnist Ed Mountaineer, who announced he was moving to lame, quasi-intellectual publication McSweeney’s. Lucky for McSweeney’s, Ed was back to our lame, anti-intellectual publication by March.
The world saw the full force of “cancel culture,” which pushed Cedric Bigglestone to cancel himself. Ed Mountaineer, fresh back from McSweeney’s, also had to issue an apology for his discussion of black holes. Meanwhile, some t.v. shows you’ve never heard of were also given the ax and in a defiant, anti-woke column, writer Mike Thompson threatened to kill everyone with his penis.
We did some brain science, showed you how to be more attractive, and shared psychological tricks for how to get what you want. We also scientifically told you what happens when you stop pooping for a week and issued our own dementia test.
As Covid waged and waned and waged again, we told you how to get a coveted anal swabbing test, advised you on travel, presented the newest, most fucked up variants, and found that good old-fashioned magic may be the best defense against the virus.
August marked our first ever “Drunk People Awareness Month,” and offered tips on how to respect and appreciate drunks.
We reported on a totally screwed royal family, ranked the 4th of July as the best 4th of any month, interviewed a killer robot, found new constitutional rights we didn’t realize we even had, covered a new wealth trend where rich men adopt bitchy daughters as a status symbol, and brought to you the new woke practice of “tenses.”
Anyway, there was a lot of shit. Go to www.intergalacticbiz.com for much much more.
Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor
The only business news in the universe that matters.