Much like the Capital Hill Autonomous Zone in Seattle, the Intergalactic Business Report has announced it will have its own police free zone that will extend to their office and beyond.
The details of this stunning new charter of laws:
IBR offices may not be inspected, raided, or fined for anything happening inside them.
No laws will be enforced inside our offices and no one will be allowed to issue us tickets, confiscate drugs, or ask us to pay the rent on our lease.
The autonomous zone is fully mobile and travels with all IBR staff*, wherever they go.
This means that even when IBR writers and editors leave work, they may not be arrested, questioned, or detained for anything.
Fake police strippers are the exception to the above rules.
Strippers, adult performers, and sex workers who dress as law enforcement officers are permitted to search, detain, and give “fines” for charges such as indecent exposure, excessive horniness, and failure to pull your penis out of your pants fast enough.
We no longer need to pay for selected Fast Food.
Such as Taco Bell, for instance. That’s free now and Taco Bell needs to provide this. So, let’s say, one of us goes through the drive-through and it comes time to pay. We just say, “This is food for the IBR Autonomous Zone,” and the Taco Bell guy will be like, “Oh. O.K. it’s free then.”
All legal loopholes that could be used against IBR are now officially closed.
This means that if there’s some way to bust us for something, like by using an FBI trick where they nail us and we say, “Wait, you can’t do that,” and they say, “Oh, yes we can. It’s statute 684 of the whatever penal code,” that doesn’t work anymore.
Lawsuits** against us are also not valid.
Since we are fully autonomous and free of any laws, lawsuits are not recognized. It would be like suing air or something, and we would be the air. You could sue us, but then you’d have to immediately rescind doing that because your brain would tell you, “Hold up. That’s impossible.” Then you’d apologize maybe. Not necessary, but it would make you a better person if you did.
We have our own banking system now.
We still accept money. The only difference is that we don’t pay any of it now. We just take it. Thanks for your contribution if you made one.
*Interns are not included. If somebody needs to go down for a crime, we guess it can be them.
**For instance, any of the multiple lawsuits filed by interns, past, present, and future.
Being a total douche is not easy. You’d think it would be. Just bothering everyone all the time and threatening to sue people because they tell the truth. That’s what Phil Ratuliak does. And he works hard to do it.
The main point of all this is that the Intergalactic Business Report is probably the greatest thing that’s ever happened anywhere in the world in the entire history of everything. No. Take that back. Not probably.
Phil Ratuliak now owes us ten thousand dollars for writing this. That’s legal.
New estimates indicate the Intergalactic Business Report may be the most read publication anywhere. We congratulate ourselves.
JOIN 436 TRILLION READERS TODAY.
Our breakdown of the numbers below:
We expanded our counting to include not just humans.
This probably accounted for the biggest jump in our numbers because instead of looking at clicks and subscribers, we opened our minds to the universe and all it has to offer. For instance, there are whole races of aliens we can’t see and bigfoot-type monsters who are intelligent enough to read (we guess).
How do we know space creatures and others read IBR?
How does anyone know anything? We’ll start with that and then let you be presumptuous enough to declare yourself the smartest fucking person ever.
The 436 trillion number is a rough estimate, but it’s probably much more.
Once you start getting into the trillions, you may as well just say “a zillion” but we didn’t. We could have. But we didn’t.
Many space aliens are invisible.
That’s why it’s so hard to see them. But they are all reading the Intergalactic Business Report. That’s what blows our minds. We are gratified and humbled.
Yes, we talked to them. This was a scientific survey.
People say, “How did you possibly figure out that hundreds of trillions of creatures read your publication?” To that we deflect your question with our own, for you: “How do you figure out how to take a dump in the toilet?” “Oh, my parents taught me that,” you say. Really? How do you know? Maybe aliens did it. Why else would you go in “toilet” and not a box or something, which would be way more human than a porcelain sample-taker like a toilet.
If you take the readers/viewers of every magazine, television show, internet site, etc on the planet, it wouldn’t come close to the number of readers of the Intergalactic Business Report.
So fuck you.
The number of crypto beasts is low compared with space aliens.
We count the bigfoots and other monsters who read IBR in the tens. Maybe twenties at most. So, out of the 436 trillion number, they’re probably like 25.
In terms of “telepathic space money” we are now the wealthiest organization anywhere.
No explanation needed.
According to things we recently heard, Twitter might begin fact-checking tweets it feels are erroneous or deceptive. This prompted the Intergalactic Business Report to immediately issue an open challenge to fact check any of our assertions or claims.
As the greatest source for information in the universe, the Intergalactic Business Report operates with a knights-of-the-roundtable like integrity and stands by the following prize-winning reports and articles:
Some patients are now dying twice from Coronavirus.
Special exposé: alternative dimension discovered in my pants. By Cedric Bigglestone.
Baby signed to U.S. Soccer Development Academy.
Breaking genetics news: You are probably related to yourself.
Exclusive first ever interview with the actual devil.
In these volatile economic times, investors spend their days worrying about stocks that skyrocketed yesterday dropping to oblivion tomorrow. The stress and pressure of a market that changes course more frequently than an Uber driver on PCP who’s deciding between whether he’s going to take you somewhere to kill you or offer you sex, the U.S. stock market is a dangerous game.
Enter the Intergalactic Business Report Stock Exchange, controlled entirely by us. We’ve re-worked the negativity of the traditional market and turned buying and selling stocks into something where everyone wins. Sound too good to be true? Then read our Q and A list below before you invest.
Q. Is starting a new stock market legal?
A. What a stupid fucking question. Why do you care? It’s not your stock market. It’s ours. Worry about your own shit.
Q. How does your stock market work?
A. You give us money. That money goes into our stock market. That money turns into more money. We both get rich.
Q. What companies are participating in the IBR Stock Exchange?
A. Good ones. Really good ones. Unfortunately, we can’t tell you which ones because that would violate attorney client privilege.
Q. If you can’t tell me which companies are on your exchange, how can I decide where to invest my money?
A. You just give us the money. We do the rest.
Q. And my investment just keeps going up?
A. That’s right. Unlike the normal stock exchange, any money you invest in the IBR Stock Exchange can only go up.
Q. Sounds too good to be true.
A. That’s not a fucking question. This is a fucking Q and A sheet. Not a “Statement” sheet where you can just say whatever the fuck you want.
Q. How much money should I start investing?
A. Probably all of it.
Q. If my money only goes up, what’s the rate of return?
A. “What’s the rate of return?” Who the fuck are you? Do you want to make money or do you want to be president of the high school investment club? Next question.
Q. Will this get me laid?
A. Yes. Absolutely.
Q. Can I buy a mansion or boat now?
A. Yes. Go ahead and get both.
Q. If I have a penis, will this make it larger?
A. You can expect growth in the range of two to four inches.
The Intergalactic Business Report has decided to slowly re-open today following CDC guidelines.* It’s important for our readers to understand that their safety is our primary concern and that we are taking the following precautionary measures to ensure your health while you read IBR online.
1. All editors, writers, interns, and staff wear protective masks while writing content for our publication.
2. Our bottles of lube once used solely for masturbation have been replaced by hand sanitizer (which burns, by the way).
3. While none of our team works in a communal “office” at this time, each has agreed to place mannequins throughout their homes and avoid going near them.
4. No, “unsanitary” or “dirty” language is allowed in any IBR writing, until further notice. This, we feel, creates a psychologically “clean” place for us to work, create, and form our best thoughts and ideas. Unsanitary language would include words and terms like, “Fat cock sucker,” or “Butthole licker.” It would also encompass sayings and phrases such as, “Stop tickling my dick hole” or “You dumb shit-eating ass eater!” and questions like, “Where can I buy a one- way ticket to fuck town?” Plus some other things.
5. “Pretend touching” where you imagine there is another person in the room with you and you touch him/her, is now banned for IBR staff.
6. Sex dolls may no longer be shared and may only be used in totally monogamous person to sex doll relationships. Having said that, both parties are required to wear masks.
7. Toilet paper has been replaced by Clorox wipes. (Which burn, by the way.)
*CDC, also known as the Cock Draggers Club, is for men who seek to obtain monster penises through enhancement surgery and by creating video game avatars with enormous schlongs who represent them in a fantasy world.
Just because there’s a viral pandemic doesn’t mean business is going to stop. In fact, according to the Intergalactic Business Report (us) there are more deals to be had than ever. Whatever you’re selling, you need to follow new rules to appeal to customers and partners. We tell you how to close any deal in the midst of the economic shutdown. We walk you through an example conversation you can have with the big fish you want to land.
I. The open.
Start the conversation with some friendly small talk. Mention Zoom if you can and put in a compliment.
YOU: Jerry! So cool to Zoom with you!
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Hey, Ted. Great to see you too.
YOU: Did you lose some weight or something?
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Yeah, I guess a little bit. I’ve been trying to eat healthy while we’re all on lockdown.
YOU: Yeah, me too.
II. Establishing trust.
Let the other guy bring up business. This way you don’t sound like you’re only there for money.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So, Ted, what can I do for you?
YOU: Nothing, Jerry. Just called to talk! Haw haw haw!
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: So funny, Ted. But I know you really wanted to talk to me about a business deal.
YOU: Sure. We can talk business. If you insist!
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: O.K. I’ve only got five minutes before my next call, so shoot.
III. Make an irresistible offer.
YOU: I think I may have cured the Coronavirus.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
YOU: Yeah. You want in?
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: In for what? A cure for the Coronavirus?
YOU: Yes. I’m calling you first, because I wanted to give you an opportunity to get in before anyone else.
IV. Expect a little resistance. And roll with it.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, no offense, but I’m a little confused.
YOU: That’s O.K. I know. I don’t have a medical background. And I’m not a scientist. And I don’t work for a pharmaceutical company.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: My wife told me you sell garden gnomes and …
YOU: I sell high end outdoor lifestyles.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I really have to get moving. Maybe we can talk about this at the next family reunion.
YOU: We’re not gonna have a “next family reunion,” Jerry… Not if we don’t cure the Coronavirus.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Ted, I’m going to be honest. I met you briefly at a cookout. My wife told me you were a distant cousin who sold garden gnomes or something and I told her I’d talk to you for five minutes about a business deal. We’re almost done here. I’m very glad you think you’ve cured Coronavirus. Maybe you should take this to someone in the medical community.
V. Play your Ace.
YOU: I wasn’t going to bring this up, but I have video of you whacking off.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
YOU: It would be super embarrassing if a video of you whacking off got out there.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: Are you blackmailing me?
YOU: That sounds racist.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: What?
YOU: Jerry, you’re a racist masturbator. You are so fucked up.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: I’m hanging up now.
VI. Close the deal.
YOU: So, I guess I’ll put you down for a million dollars worth of Coronavirus cures?
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
YOU: And you can just make that check payable to Ted _____. Is that good?
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
YOU: I really feel good about this and I’m glad we were able to close this deal on a Zoom call.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: ….
YOU: I’m a fucking millionaire now.
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
YOU: So fuck you! I always thought you were so stuck up, but now I’m rich!
PERSON YOU WANT TO CLOSE THE DEAL WITH: …
YOU: See you at the family reunion, I guess.
We stole and printed another letter from a CEO to his employees. This time about the Corona Virus crisis.
TO: All employees of _____.
FROM: Dan _____, CEO.
First off, I hope you and your families are safe during this extraordinary time. A lot of us are home right now, and, if you’re me, you’re realizing just how lazy and useless a human being can become if he’s left to his own devices.
When I first started this business, my father said to me, “Son… Here’s my business.” Ever since then, I’ve taken that business and done the best I could for my family. When my daughter needed private dance lessons, I used company money to pay for them. And when my son crashed his Porsche into the orphanage, I paid for the lawsuit to clear his name and to punish the nuns who harbored vagrant children.
I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve made sacrifices. I’m not complaining. I’m just saying you couldn’t possibly understand my life and that a sacrifice to me is on the level of maybe a thousand sacrifices for you (and I’m being generous, as always).
Drinking every day, eating a lot of ho hos and Little Debbie snack cakes. That’s the norm in my world right now. Also, playing online Russian roulette with people from Russia and wearing a penis clamp from 11:45 a.m. till 3:35 p.m. just so that I still feel alive.
I guess the point of what I’m saying is that if you’re home, you’re worthless, like me. So that means when we start up work again, it’s really only going to be fair if you either work for free for a while, wear penis clamps, or pay me something to keep your job.
Human resources told me today that my “return to work” plan I just outlined is “Illegal” and could “cost me the company” because of “lawsuits” and “national news coverage.” Needless to say, those people are fired, which was difficult, because usually I ask human resources to fire people for me and this time it proved difficult to call them to fire themselves. Believe me, I tried.
What I need to say to you, the worker, is that I care about your well-being. I care about your health. And I care about your safety. But I also care about my money. Probably more than all the stuff I listed before saying that I also care about my money. I take that back. Definitely more. In fact, I don’t even remember what those other things I listed were.
Soon, the country will be re-opening, and so will ______. I know all of you will be standing at my side (at a distance of six feet! Haw Haw!) when we do. Until then, please be ready with your dick measurements in case you take the option of wearing a penis clamp.
Thank you and take care of yourselves,
Dan _____, CEO.
What the super elite are doing during the Corona crisis. I hang out with rich people volume 69, by Darryl Smurten.
If you don’t already know me then it’s for one of two reasons. Number one: you haven’t read my awesome column about how I spend my life around the richest and most superior people on the planet. Or number two: you aren’t good enough to know me, mostly because you hang out at places where everybody has facial hair and sprays themselves with something called “body wash.”
Anyway. The Intergalactic Business Report asked me to write about what the super wealthy are doing during the Corona Virus pandemic, and I said O.K. It also happened to be a perfect assignment for me because for the last month I’ve been isolated with my very rich friend Ruben at his unbelievable estate by the ocean (not saying which one out of respect for anonymity).
Ruben’s also not his actual name, but he asked me to make up an alias for him, because, I guess, Mark is too easy to guess for people who want to know who he really is. So, when the quarantines started and everyone starting holing up in their hovels around the world, I got a call from Ruben, who said, “Hey, why don’t you wait this out at my home on the ocean?”
I’m not going to lie. I had a lot of offers for where to spend this time, so I asked Ruben if there would be servants there as well. He said yes, and he was forcing them to stay in the house with us and not leave. I said that was even better and headed out there immediately.
If you’ve read my column you know I have extremely high standards for servants and staff. I can’t help it. I guess I’m just a perfectionist. I believe that if you’re in a job where rich people tell you what to do then you need to be almost flawless, like a diamond, except worth almost nothing.
So I arrived at Ruben’s house just before all the shit started really happening and he greeted me at the gate. He said that just in case I had the virus I should stay in the North wing of his mansion for two weeks. I grudgingly agreed because I don’t like to be confined to less than twenty-three thousand square feet. The North wing is a mere nineteen thousand. But I was a guest, and I had to suck it up a little and show my decency and respect, which I’m well-known for.
The following is basically how I spent those first two weeks:
7:00 a.m. Wake up and ask where the servants are. Call the kitchen. Call the butler’s alcove. Call Ruben. Where the fuck are they?
7:17 a.m. Ruben tells me (again) that the servants don’t begin work till 8:00 a.m.
7:59 a.m. Call the kitchen. Call the butler’s alcove. Finally someone fucking answers.
8:00-8:19 a.m. Bitch out the butler and any other staff. I ask him to put himself on “speaker” so everyone can hear. I tell them all to disobey their boss’s orders, because he’s just being nice, and start working at 7:00 a.m.
8:34 a.m. I’m served breakfast. Finally. The staff won’t go near me for fear of being touched or something even though I promised I wouldn’t try to have sex with them or anything. They leave a tray outside the door.
8:50 a.m. I wonder how the fuck the servants are going to clean my room.
8:51 -10:41 a.m. I write this column. You’re welcome.
10:42-4:30 p.m. I spend time with my zoom circle jerk group online.
4:31 p.m. I call Ruben and ask for drugs, which he says he doesn’t have. Fucking liar.
4:32 p.m. I call the servants and tell them to bring me drugs. They only have alcohol, they say. Whatever, I tell them. Just bring me a shit load of it.
4:39 p.m. I finally get my alcohol.
4:40-11:55 p.m. I drink, call some of the guys from my masturbation group, work on my dances, perfect at least one of my dances, and read one of my spontaneous plays to the servants over the speaker phone.
11:56 p.m. I realize those fuckers haven’t brought me dinner. I open the door to the North wing and scream down to them. I want fucking Beef Wellington! I’m always in the mood for that late night.
11:58 p.m. I pass out for a while.
Sometime after that the beef wellington arrives.
Anyway, those were my days living in isolation. It sucked for me, but I think it also must have been hard on the servants, who were kind of like my first responders. In a way, they’re heroes. Very ungrateful, disorganized heroes. Who should work on anticipating my needs instead of just reacting to everything.
Once I did my two weeks, I could tell Ruben was in a much better mood than whatever he was in before I guess, because I didn’t actually talk to him a lot other than about the fucking servants and their inability to do what I needed when I needed. When I surfaced from the North wing, he was gone. So were the servants.
Apparently, he left in a helicopter for another one of his homes and left me in charge of his entire estate. I guess that shows the bond we have and the trust he puts in me.
So, as always, I will summarize what I learned about the ultra-wealthy. Here it goes:
1. They are terrible at hiring people. I think I’ve said enough on this.
2. Kind of related to number one, above, but I also think they need to get servants who know how to fucking make beef wellington. It isn’t that hard, I’m imagining.
3. Also, kind of related to numbers one and two, I think they should get some back up servants so that there’s more of a “24-7” presence of people who can do shit for you. You’d think they would have come up with this already, but apparently not.
4. Like vampires or something, there are whole periods of the 24-hour cycle where you can’t find them because they’re “asleep.”
5. If they invite you over to their mansion and say you can have the whole North wing, just remember that the North wing is probably the shittiest wing. I’m staying in the South wing now and sleeping in Ruben’s bed. Everybody in my online circle jerk group agrees it’s way better than the crappy room I had before.
So, I guess thanks for reading this? I’ve done what I was asked and I’ll give you more when I both feel like it and am paid. Till then. Darryl.
Darryl Smurten reports on the mega- and ultra-rich. His up-close insights about how they live provide even common peasants the ability to glimpse, if for a moment, the light of the good life. If you are ultra-rich and don’t know Darryl yet, and would like to invite him to hang out with you, please contact him at email@example.com. Don’t expect him to get back to you right away.
So they closed “non-essential” businesses and now you’re starting to think that after years of threatening to fire people for not working hard enough that all those people are questioning why they were working so hard because now they’re all at home drinking and barely working and nothing’s really changed.
At least you’ve come to the realization that what work really does is give you a place to exert your authority and vast wisdom over people who in an earlier age would have been your vassals and villagers as you presided over them from your castle on a hill. But how do you rule these peasants when the government allows them to hide in their homes, away from you?
As the number one executive coaching resource on the planet, the Intergalactic Business Report offers a special report for business leaders who feel lost right now. Read our eight tips on how you can retain your feeling of superiority and grandeur during these trying times.
1. Use a group of mannequins to simulate all-staff meetings where you are pissed off about something.
Mannequins are humanish enough for you to fantasize about them begin alive but not human enough to actually have sex with (boo!). But they are still perfect subjects for your hour-long tirades about how everyone needs to do a “gut check” and get their “shit together” and “think about whether they really want to be working here” because you’ll “be more than happy to help them find another job” (yeah, right!) if they can’t “cut it.”
2. Take a food “bonus” at the end of each week.
You’re the CEO of the house. You get executive compensation. In our new world, that means food and hand sanitizer and whatever. You take 70% of what’s left each week and put it in your room, away from the others. You earned that. It’s yours.
3. Practice looking down on people by observing your cat.
Watch what she does! Learn how she behaves! She’s the goal. She’s where you need to be.
4. Put that 100-year-old bottle of scotch in the basement, near the litter box.
When the cat comes down, just smile and say, “Sometimes, Frizzles. Sometimes I don’t think anyone in this office understands the vision… Except for you…” Then just start drinking while the cat shits in the box.
5. Conspire with one of your pets to expel household members who aren’t pulling their weight.
Pets are loyal. People aren’t. Recreate your love for secretly screwing over co-workers by having surreptitious meetings with your cat where you whisper about your wife or one of your kids not contributing enough to the family and how they’d better get their shit together soon or they may find themselves on the street.
6. “Fire” family members who don’t “see your vision” by kicking them out of the house.
They’re your family members, sure. But you said from the beginning that you don’t play favorites and that you would always put the good of the family ahead of family members. Even if those family members are family. And the family is stronger if family members who don’t believe in what this family is aren’t in the family anymore.
7. Bring in a new family member who’s younger and more dynamic.
Now that you’ve gotten rid of your dead weight wife/child/parent, have a staff meeting with the remaining family members and your mannequins to discuss how this “isn’t going to change anything.” Then bring in a stripper who will be their new mom.
8. Tell the released family member, by text maybe, that there are no hard feelings and that you’ll be a reference if they need to find another family.
Just because you got rid of your first wife, it doesn’t mean you aren’t there for her. Offer, magnanimously, to help her out by finding her a new family. Granted, times are tough right now, and nobody’s going to let a random person like her into their house, but when this all blows over, there will be plenty of homes that would love to take her and you’ll put in a good word for her.
The only business news in the universe that matters.