As worries about inflation and the economy soar, iconic investor Hody Granger shares his insights on how you or anyone can find wealth by following four simple tips. But are you ready to accept them?
THE PROBLEM: INFLATION. Inflation is the highest it’s been in 40 years, and Americans worry this runaway train will never stop, devaluing their money and assets as it crashes the economy. HODY’S TIP: Inflation is based on currency and money, which is printed by the government. Ever since we went off the gold standard, all money, in my mind, is essentially worthless. Instead of money, you should be doing stuff that is worth more than money. Like the stuff I do, that makes me super rich without even having money at all. If you don’t do that, then you’re stupid and living for something that doesn’t even exist. But, alas, most Americans have been conditioned, since they were born, to believe that money is real and that it’s important to have. Until you’re willing to see beyond that, you will always be poor. THE PROBLEM: RISING INTEREST RATES. The fed will soon raise interest rates to combat inflation, but this will make it harder to buy a house and pay off debts, many fear. HODY’S TIP: If you’re talking about a home mortgage or credit card debt, then I’m going to tell you straight up that you’re just stupid if you own a home, have credit cards, or live somewhere that you pay for. I know a lot of people will say that sounds crazy but I haven’t paid a mortgage or rent in over thirty years. Instead, I just make money. And tons of it. The solution is simple. You buy into low-interest shift loans, which are essentially just re-purposed debt vehicles piggy-backed onto low-yield, soft, micro loans, meant for someone in a developing country, but you get it instead through a mediator or broker. You add a middleman in order to cut out the guy who comes after him. But you’ve probably never heard of this, because you’ve been conditioned to “think poor” and give in to banks and lenders who are laughing all the way to their offices (which are banks). THE PROBLEM: FOOD AND GAS COSTS. The cost of food and gas are skyrocketing, hitting families and businesses hard. HODY’S TIP: Unless you own a farm that also drills and refines petroleum, you probably feel you’re in deep trouble as these costs rise. But only if you see food and gas as essential to your life. Much like banks, which I find useless, fuel (both for your body or your automobile) are imaginary entities that are sold to you as essentials. Let me explain that one a little further. You eat food. You pump gas. You pay money. Take those three away and now you’re not consuming grocery store or restaurant items, gasoline, or spending any of your savings. How is that a bad idea? And yet, most Americans have been taught that eating and driving cars is worth their money and they’ve been conditioned to do it no matter what the cost. Just stop and it all goes away. Another trick I’ve picked up over the years is that if your food and gas costs ever get too high, you can hang around one of those gas stations that has a supermarket inside and offer to suck people’s dicks for them to fill up your car and buy you a sandwich. But most people don’t do this, because they’ve been taught since birth that offering sex for money is “bad” or “unwholesome.” Tell that to the guy who just paid for my fuel and threw in a carwash as a tip. THE PROBLEM: THE VALUE OF YOUR 401K IS DIMINISHING. With a volatile stock market and money being worth less, investment portfolios are devalued each day, putting those soon to retire in a jam. HODY’S TIP: I always laugh when people tell me about their 401K plans. I call them, “I hope I have some money in that stupid account when I retire and don’t have much time to live” plans. I don’t have one and I never will. People think that’s crazy, but that’s only because, they, like you and most Americans, have been conditioned since the moment they were conceived in a threeway, to believe that saving money in an investment account somehow equals “good.” I say to people, “Give me your 401K right now. Take the hit on early withdrawal. Take all the money out you can, and I’ll double it in six weeks by doing the stuff I do.” Later on, they almost 100% tell me, “What the fuck did you do with all my money? That was my retirement account! I’m going to have to work until I die now! You promised me you’d double it.” My response is almost always the same. If you rely on other people to manage your money, then you may as well just give it to me and I’ll literally convert it into cash and flush it down a toilet somewhere—most likely in a luxury hotel that I paid for with the money I didn’t literally flush down a toilet. Lesson learned. Hody Granger is a legendary entrepreneur and business activist, fighting for the rights of industrialists and business magnates who are misunderstood and under-represented. He can be reached at info@intergalacticbiz.com. For days, the Intergalactic Business Report has been trying to get businesses and communities to recognize Wet as Fuck February as a valid month of celebration to make up for the horrors of Dry January. Finally, a company CEO has offered all his employees the entire month of February to spend misusing company time and drinking themselves into a bottle of shame distilled into pure joy.
While he has requested we redact his name and company from this reprint, he has allowed us to share his open memo to employees. FROM: CORNELIUS----- CEO, ---- INCORPORATED. TO: ALL EMPLOYEES SUBJECT: WET AS FUCK FEBRUARY Dear members of the ---- team: What started out as a simple request from a drunk employee has turned into a company-wide initiative, effective immediately. A couple moments ago, a man named Jarred approached me in the parking lot and demanded I recognize the month of February as something called “Wet as Fuck February.” He was clearly inebriated and agitated, and for a few moments, I feared for my safety. But then I started listening. And what he said made sense. He explained that “Dry January” had ended and during that month the government of the United States declared a mini prohibition in which violators of strict no alcohol rules would be put to death by hit squads who took pleasure in enforcing murderous teetotaling rules and restrictions. I told him I had never heard of this and that I was sure he was misinformed. He then exposed himself to me and security arrived to beat him down and remove him from the premises. Turns out, he didn’t even work for us. But that’s when it hit me that Jarred was right. I should allow everyone to simply fuck around for a month and take shits on the floor. I don’t care. I checked my bank account and I am so fucking wealthy you could all stop working and I’d still be rich. This is why I am going ahead with Wet as Fuck February and I hope you enjoy it because the company will probably be completely ruined by March. On a national scale, I encourage other companies to follow my lead and go ahead with Wet as Fuck February and maybe even Wetter than Fuck March. I may even entertain the idea of Wettest Fuck April, if there is anything left of my business. So, starting now, all employees are welcome to begin drinking. It’s on me! (In the sense that you get a paycheck from me and now you will use that paycheck to pay for alcohol.) Party on, Cornelius ----, CEO, ---- Incorporated. You’ve heard it before. Words matter. Even if you have the best of intentions, the things you write or say can sometimes be misconstrued and even used against you. In the age of cancel culture and social media, business executives need to be especially wary of how they communicate, be it in an email, memo, or meeting.
Are you a business leader? Even if you aspire to be one, you should read these seven seven-word examples of common mistakes you may use at the office to express yourself. You will probably recognize several of these phrases and may even think, “I say that all the time.” Our advice, stop today, just to be safe. As innocuous as they may sound, they may offend or give the wrong impression. It may take just seven words to cost you a seven-figure salary. See our examples below. 1. Opening line at the company picnic. “Welcome families! Here’s my penis. Enjoy it.” 2. All staff meeting intro. “Thank you for meeting today. I’m racist.” 3. Subject line in company-wide email. “To all females. Extra pay for boobies.” 4. Human Resources hiring suggestion. “Eef you speek like dis yer fired.” 5. Email to new employees. “Will swap sex for drugs. Call me.” 6. CEO message to shareholders. “Penis Penis Penis Penis Penis. You like?” 7. FYI to senior staff. “Twerked so hard I pooped my pants.” Back in August we announced Drunk People Awareness Month to celebrate drunk people and appreciate their contributions to society. That was fun. And then came something called “Dry January” where people are encouraged to stop drinking alcohol for an entire month.
We can only speculate about the reasons behind Dry January, but we assume the following:
In stark contrast to Dry January, “Wet as Fuck February” will be a time to totally forget the preceding month by becoming so black out drunk that things like months are erased from your think-brain thing—what the fuck were we just talking about? Anyway, while Dry January emphasizes all the “cool” stuff you can do sober and encourages “positivity,” whatever that is, Wet as Fuck February will focus on all the cool stuff drunk people can do. For example, did you know that drunk people can play sports? Most people don’t know that. Starting February 1, look forward to articles and features on great drunk Americans, drunk people in the workplace, and hacks for drunk people. It’s going to be one drinky, stinky month. Stay tuned. Cheers, The Intergalactic Business Report, Editorial team. Much like a sitcom where the characters are stuck in an elevator and keep flashing back to previous episodes, we take the time to review all the things we wrote about this year so that we don’t have to do an article that takes time or thought.
2021 was a year that saw some stuff. And we covered it. We began the year with some drama involving columnist Ed Mountaineer, who announced he was moving to lame, quasi-intellectual publication McSweeney’s. Lucky for McSweeney’s, Ed was back to our lame, anti-intellectual publication by March. The world saw the full force of “cancel culture,” which pushed Cedric Bigglestone to cancel himself. Ed Mountaineer, fresh back from McSweeney’s, also had to issue an apology for his discussion of black holes. Meanwhile, some t.v. shows you’ve never heard of were also given the ax and in a defiant, anti-woke column, writer Mike Thompson threatened to kill everyone with his penis. We did some brain science, showed you how to be more attractive, and shared psychological tricks for how to get what you want. We also scientifically told you what happens when you stop pooping for a week and issued our own dementia test. As Covid waged and waned and waged again, we told you how to get a coveted anal swabbing test, advised you on travel, presented the newest, most fucked up variants, and found that good old-fashioned magic may be the best defense against the virus. August marked our first ever “Drunk People Awareness Month,” and offered tips on how to respect and appreciate drunks. We reported on a totally screwed royal family, ranked the 4th of July as the best 4th of any month, interviewed a killer robot, found new constitutional rights we didn’t realize we even had, covered a new wealth trend where rich men adopt bitchy daughters as a status symbol, and brought to you the new woke practice of “tenses.” Anyway, there was a lot of shit. Go to www.intergalacticbiz.com for much much more. Sincerely, Dusty Latouffe, Supreme Editor December is a time of holiday cheer, peace, love, and understanding. But it’s also an opportunity for scam artists to prey on lower IQ consumers like you. This week, the Intergalactic Business Report examines some of the most common confidence games hustlers are likely to play on you. Watch out this season for any of these “too good to be true” warning signs:
1. Anyone who only accepts meat as payment. 2. A merchant who sells you a sight unseen Excalibur sword. 3. Penis enlargement devices that promise they’ll make your dick as big as Santa’s. 4. Businesses that promise a one-on-one meeting with Jesus. 5. Santa Claus pays you to blow him. 6. One time offer to look down some guy’s pants. 7. A Christmas Prince wants to make you his wife, but you have to get in a van with him first. 8. A drink named after Santa’s newest reindeer, “Roofie.” 9. A 50% off Wilford Brimley cameo. Whether your email is cold or hot, your subject line alerts the reader immediately to your purpose. But did you know that a bad subject line can also immediately turn readers off and cause them to toss your important message in the trash?
Using proprietary neuro-linguistic technology, the Intergalactic Business Report tells you which common subject lines you need to avoid today. Never, ever, write: SUBJECT: PLEEZE OPEN DIS EMAIL. IT SAFE. SUBJECT: Checking in. And free penis pics. SUBJECT: Follow up on your request to have your computer filled with viruses. SUBJECT: You open email, yes? You do it now? SUBJECT: Special message from Nigerian Prince banking. SUBJECT: You trust me, yes? You open da email please? SUBJECT: Spread your buttcheeks and let this email enter you. SUBJECT: Click to buy bitcoin direct from the Russian mafia. NOT A JOKE. SUBJECT: Follow link to choose new career as a model/hostess in an Asian brothel. SUBJECT: Pffffftttttttttttttttttttttt. (Fart). SUBJECT: Human turd requests your loyalty. SUBJECT: Read email to confirm curse from 18th century demonic twins Patty and Harriet Thistlewaite. SUBJECT: My balls sent this email. Click to see how. IBR Merch, the official store of the Intergalactic Business Report, wants your money. Will there be enough inventory to satisfy our 4 trillion readers this holiday season? Probably not. That’s why we recommend going to ibrmerch.com today and buying everything you can.
Instead of giving the usual crappy gifts you give every year, surprise a friend or relative with our crappy gifts. We pride ourselves on creating apparel that no rational human being would ever want to wear in public. Check out the highlights for our latest drop: Drunk People Awareness collection. This stunning new clothing line includes tee-shirts and sweat shirts that ask the question, “Is it normal to be this drunk?” Other selections are the “just shit my pants. change my diaper” tee; our classic drunk person appreciation fleece; the “drunker than jesus” shirt; and a male instruction guide. You can also buy official IBR gear and men’s and women’s fashion. Above all, the value you will find in all our merchandise is the money you spend that starts going to us instead of to wherever else you would have wasted it. That’s the promise we make to every customer. Keep checking in, as we will update our store with new crap as the holiday season continues. In a new series of ads, Facebook tries to explain why they suck so hard at issues like privacy and freedom of expression. Our favorite features some dude named “Jack” from the Facebook Content Team that banned the Intergalactic Business Report from advertising in 2020 when we said something they didn’t like.
Almost a year later, the ban has not been lifted, and Facebook has offered no recourse for us to appeal, complain, or even receive a reason for our banishment. Because advertising on Facebook was our primary avenue to bring satire and joy to people around the country and world, we have had to rely on our loyal followers to share and spread that joy for us. Today, the Intergalactic Business Report attempts to identify the reasons behind our Facebook ban by the noble content arbiter “Jack.” So, what was it? We have a feeling our coverage of the Coronavirus pandemic may have contributed? We list 17 articles that may have led to our excommunication. 1. We suggested magic may be the strongest defense against COVID-19. 2. We reported that Hawaiian Punch may be superior to most vaccines. 3. We wrote about a penis-delivered vaccine called the “hot beef injection.” 4. We proposed that the cure for Coronavirus may be you shutting the fuck up. 5. We told you that a new virus called “Curvedbonervirus” might be worse than Coronavirus. 6. We said that some people are dying twice from COVID-19. 7. We claimed to have negotiated with an alien race to end the pandemic. 8. We mentioned that according to Chinese government officials, having sex with Chinese government officials may give you immunity from the Coronavirus. 9. We also stated that eating vampire boogers may be a cure. 10. We told you that COVID-19 cases could reach 4 billion per day. 11. We asserted that we could end the pandemic if everyone stopped breathing. 12. We speculated about the threat of “no-symptomatic” people. 13. We listed “ball sweat” as a possible Coronavirus symptom. 14. We reported that you may already be dead from COVID-19. 15. We suggested that the lifting of “shelter in place” orders may give you the ability to fly. 16. We revealed our plan to save professional sports during the pandemic by starting a world-wide group masturbation league. 17. We invented a quarantine sport called “Can I fit that up my butt?” In an “employee’s market” businesses are doing everything they can to attract and retain talent. But sometimes benefits packages, perks, and competitive salaries are not enough. A negative office culture may be slowly driving away your top team members and you don’t even know it.
The Intergalactic Business Report conducted a seven-pronged study about common practices most workplaces adhere to and found they had a disastrous effect on job satisfaction and happiness. If you do any of these at your office, change them today, or risk losing your best talent. RULE ONE: If an employee has a “bitch look” on his face (as determined by his supervisor) then he forfeits that day’s pay. RULE TWO: Employees must participate in “alternative religious” ceremonies in which they may be required to kill a goat and are responsible for recruiting two new members (one of which may be sacrificed to ensure a successful quarter) each month. RULE THREE: Once an employee enters the office he or she may never “leave.” RULE FOUR: Promotions are based on physical contests, like bare-knuckles fighting done in a pit in the basement or just blow jobs. RULE FIVE: New hires are “beaten into” your team by running a crude gauntlet through cubicles and the copy and break rooms where they are hit with fists, staplers, and improvised pain-inflicting devices like detached keyboards and Jeff Tanner’s “fake dick.” RULE SIX: The company retirement plan is for elders* to climb to the top of a mountain**, fling themselves off, and aim for a large rock*** below that will instantly end their lives, à la “Midsommar.” RULE SEVEN: Promotions are solely based on an employee’s success in driving around and flashing his brights at other cars and then murdering the driver of the first car to flash back at them. RULE EIGHT: Firing is being shot, termination is being shot after the boss says “Hasta la Vista Baby,” and being laid off is being shot after having sex with the boss. *Age 47 and up. ** The roof. *** A dumpster. |
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