You’ve discovered what’s surely your dream job and you’re a finalist for the position. You want to tell your future employers that you’ll do anything to be hired… but watch out.
As the number one authority on human resources practices and advice, the Intergalactic Business Report reveals some of the most common things prospective employees blurt out when they try too hard to close the deal. If you say any of these 8 things, you may come off as too desperate and actually blow your chances.
1. “I’ll suck your dick. I’ll suck your dick, man! Just give me this job and I’ll suck your dick…every day… O.K.? Do I get the job?”
2. “I don’t need money. I just need a place to sleep. Like at my desk. And I don’t need health care. I don’t plan on getting sick ever. I may need to shower, but that’s cool if I can’t use the bathroom. I’ll just try to find a rest area or something, which will be convenient because I’ll be living out of my car.”
3. “I’m willing to not just suck your dick, but the dicks of all your friends too. I will just spend my day sucking dicks for you… Does that work? Will you please hire me now?”
4. “I can fit more than one dick in my mouth, in case you’re wondering. That means if you give me this job, I can probably stuff like two or three or maybe even four in there. When do I start?”
5. “I’m not opposed to donkey sex shows starring me and I’m willing to move to Mexico, or wherever, if that’s where you need me to do a donkey sex show.”
6. “I can see you’re considering what to say to me next. I’m going to stop you right there. Just whip out those dicks, and I can show you why I’m the perfect person for the job. Don’t have a dick? I can do other stuff too. Just give me the job. Ha ha. Did you hear what I just said? Give me the job? Like a blow job? Ha ha. But seriously. Please let me give you a blowjob. And then give me the other, real job, too.”
7. “Do you need drugs? I can get you drugs. I’ll go out on the street and find some. You have something you need covered up? I can do that. I’ll kill someone. Is that what you need? Is that what you fucking need?”
8. “I’m probably the only employee you’ll ever have who’s cool with being filmed taking a dump. I consider that ‘taking one for the team.’ Get it? Do you want to film me taking a dump? I can do it right now. Right here. Oh, man. Too late. I just shit my pants.”
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