Still no takers? The Intergalactic Business Report ups its price to $12.8 Million and makes pitches to prospective buyers.

Our first stop after the sale goes through.

A little while ago, the Intergalactic Business Report offered a bargain basement (whatever that is) deal for full ownership of our magazine at $7.5 Million. Unbelievably, there were no buyers in our first round of negotiations, so we are taking the business off the market and then immediately putting it back on at a new price of $12.8 Million. That’s right, Mark Cuban. Don’t you wish you’d pulled the trigger when you had the chance? Now you’ve got to pay full price! Bahahaha. 
 
Anyway, we’ve expanded our list of potential buyers and remind them that the offer ends Christmas Eve at Midnight. Mull it over, “bro”bber barons, because this deal won’t last.
 
Intergalactic Business Report pitches to buyers:
 
1. Elon Musk. You tried that stuff with the Onion guys and it didn’t work out. Or did it? We don’t know. Bottom line is that what we offer you is so much better than other failing, ironical things to buy like MSNBC or Chicago because you can come in and totally fire everyone and there will be no difference to anything at all. In fact, some of our guys hire dominatrixes to “fire” them every week so they’ll probably be into it.  

2. Mark Cuban. Come on, bro. The shot clock is ticking. Also, on Entourage, didn’t you show up and start investing in Adrian Grenier’s Tequila company or something? Show up and do that for us.  

3. Kris Krohn. O.K. Maybe we’ve been a little uncool about some of our coverage to you, but, come on, bro. 12.8 mill. Bro. Make it happen. We’ll stop drinking and be less fat. Bro. Meditate on it. Change your body chemistry so it makes you decide to pay us $12.8 mill.  

4. Ryan Reynolds. Ry. Buddy. Bro. We will FIRE Ed Mountaineer if you buy us out. We’ll even let you fire him yourself. Or, better yet, you can put him on an impossible performance improvement plan where he has to complete tasks for you pleasure and at the end you can decide whether he lives or dies? Is that what you want? Is that what you fucking need? 

5. Tate bros. What’s realer than owning an online satire magazine that produces no income? Think about it. Romanian women. Hot cars. Cigars. You can ADD that to the Intergalactic Business Report. Non-functioning alcoholics. Taco Bell wrappers. Severe mental illness. We can add THAT to your lives.  

6. Andy Elliot. One of our employees is your slave so maybe it’s time to step up and take responsibility for all the other ones too. For our new price of $12.8 Million, we will all get six packs and stop drinking—or you can fire us and we will leave the magazine ashamed, regretful, and with our $12.8 Million. 
 
7. Hody Granger. A lot of people think you’re made up because nobody’s heard of you outside of some articles we publish where you talk about sucking people off. If you’re real, please come to the table now.  

​8. Warren Buffett. To the Oracle from Omaha from the Orifice of Hahaha… THAT’S the kind of sharp ass writing you will have at your disposal if you just buy us out. You always say that you should invest for the long term and bet on America. We’re totally into that too. The $12.8 Million you provide will completely allow us to go for the next 250 years. Right now, you’re saying, “Hold up. Did you just say 250 years?” Yup. We said it. So… You ready to buy? Is this how it works? Hello?

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