For several years, the Intergalactic Business Report has toyed with the idea of inventing a new school subject that would replace “History.” We believe that at some point, top scholarly institutions will adopt this, but for now, we can only complain about how much the past sucks and why it is absurd to spend so much time studying it.
Unlike the past, the future offers us hope, utopia, and a resolution to most of our current problems. And yet we continue to read old books dedicated to telling us every detail about everything people ever did.
To make our point clear, we’ve tried to break down the main differences between what happened in the past and what will happen in the future so that you can see why one is clearly better than the other. These nine reasons will have you wondering why you were ever forced to study history and also leave you angry at the horrifying teachers and perverse adults who pressured you to be part of it.
1. In the past, people died of horrible diseases. In the future, nobody will die ever. At some point, scientists or really good car mechanics will be able to make us all cyborgs who never die. Sound awesome? We know. But people still waste their time stupidly studying already dead people who have nothing more to offer our species.
2. In the past, people fought over silly things like coffee, their honor, and land. In the future, people will play video games. There’s really no comparison. Want to get stabbed for real because some king made you be in a war? No? Want to play Mortal Kombat 87? We thought so.
3. The future will be so easy, you won’t even need to try. The past was so hard, it sucked all the time. Again, easy choice between everything being effortless or every moment of your existence being you trying to plant a seed or fight off a wolf. We’ll opt for easy. And so will you.
4. In the future, your favorite teams will win at some point. In the past, they either lost or they won but it’s over, so that sucks.
5. People in the past were stinky. People in the future take showers and have really good deodorant.*
6. In the future, food will taste however we want it to. In the past, it tasted like whatever it was and that sucked. We’re pretty sure a scientist will invent something that will make food taste exactly the way we want it to, and not some chef's interpretation of however he thinks you want it to taste. Instead of hearing, “How would you like your steak?” You just tell the waiter to shut up and give you your fucking food. So much more satisfying.
7. There was some good music in the past, but the future has that music too, plus more. The future will always have a larger music catalog because it will have the latest songs and artists, whereas the past will only have whatever they had. For example. In 1950, they only had music people’s great-grandparents would listen to.
8. Kennedy was assassinated in the past. In the future, he doesn’t get assassinated. If this one doesn’t convince you we’re right, then you probably support assassinations.
9. Hitler is from the past. Glulu Lightstage is from the future. Don’t know who Glulu Lightstage is? Just wait. But he only exists in the future. In the past, you just get Hitler.
*Except in France. They’ll never take showers or wear deodorant.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.