Activist Radna Shurebeets reports on the Democratic National Convention

When the Intergalactic Business Report asked me to report on the Democratic National Convention in Chicago, my response was: “I think you mean Chicano.” Somewhere, a Hispanic brother or sister or non-binary questioning neuro-divergent-BDSM-sexual is air high fiving me, but alas, I must leave you hanging because I don’t want to taint you with the systemic racism this publication supports by using black lettering on top of a vast, white, background some of you call “paper” or a “page.” The black letters do all the work. The white page just sits there and profits from their labor.  Ever wonder why so many white people name their daughters Paige? That’s why. 
 
Let’s meditate for a second and just calm down. Peace. Zen. Release your orgasm.  If you haven’t read one of my columns before, my name is Radna Shurebeets and I am an unabashed political activist who refuses to be bought and paid for mostly because I don’t recognize money as being a thing that exists. Last week, I was in Chicano, covering the Democratic National Convention and filtering it through my mind so you can understand what’s really going on. Here are my thoughts:
 

1. Speeches. 
2. Vibes.
3. Joy.
4. Vegan bestiality.

 
Let me explain that last one because it didn’t happen at the Democratic National Convention but it should have. Vegan bestiality is where you want to have sex with animals but you don’t because no means no and what you do instead is fuck a stuffed animal or something that looks like the animal you desire. Taxidermy is not allowed, apparently. Anyways, got to get your plug in when you have the chance, am I right?
 
Also, there was a lot of negative propaganda about the DNC supposedly offering free vasectomies to men. Number one, why would they make it free because men need to pay their fair share, and number two, they should just be offering to cut their dicks off instead. Oh, and they should pay for that too. Oh, but only if they’re white men. Everybody else can slap their pecker in my face. 
 
In conclusion I think it’s time for Furries to finally have a candidate that automatically gets a Senate seat determined by a caucus of it/her/what’s peers including, but not limited to, Fozzy Bear, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Smurfette from when she got rabies. Anybody showing up like Mickey Mouse or a non-minority Disney character should be publicly executed by the state for their involvement in corporate greed and the harmful unrealistic portrayal of rodent-Americans. 
 
I already said, “in conclusion,” but I’m just going to add that Santa Claus and the Pope are gay lovers, but in a bad way, and that I’m having all my holes surgically filled in by a third-way indigenous Shaman who practices non-white medicine out of his VW van. Oh, and he’s an illegal immigrant, so fuck you as she/her/zir/zit casts the winning vote in the presidential election. I’m done writing now. Goodbye. Also, Joy. 
 
Radna Shurebeets is a political activist whose views are often considered a “little much” by people who hear her views. But herstory is never made by womyn who are “just right.” If you’d like to contact Radna, or comment, you can reach her at [email protected].

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