 Dick Rambo and Cornelius Whacker. Every so often, a movie comes out that pushes the boundaries of public decency and sets off a debate on the difference between erotica and pornography. This year, that movie is likely to be Big Butts and Huge Nuts, a raunchy entry that carries a punitive triple X rating.
For now, most mainstream streaming services are passing on the film, which recently changed its title from Massive Dicks and Nasty Chicks, in a bid to curry favor with more conservative entertainment outlets. Even with this update, the producers were left with a harsh, cold NO. If you’re wondering what the movie is about, we can tell you this—it does not have a traditional plot. Instead, the filmmakers rely on a semi-realistic portrayal of people having sex with each other. Critics who have seen Big Butts and Huge Nuts claim the actors, although actually engaging in intercourse and other sex acts, are not a good depiction of what average people look like as they copulate. For example, they point out that the male penises are almost comically large and that the action is “closer to acrobatic” than what you might see if you were, for instance, a fly on the wall at an orgy. To this point, actors Dick Rambo and Cornelius Whacker have very few lines, and the ones they have seem improvised, such as: “Unnngh!” and “Yeah! That’s right! Oh yeah!” But according to Whacker, dialogue is not the point. “The director didn’t really give us any lines,” he tells us. Rambo adds, “It’s more like they tell us what to do sexually—which positions and stuff like that. The lines we have are just kind of made up in the moment.” If one had to describe the plot of Big Butts and Huge Nuts, it would be that several men enter a warehouse and start fucking women who are conveniently there. They use couches and a random bed that’s just sitting around, for apparently no reason, until you figure out the reason is to have sex on it. The nudity, full penetration shots, and visible boom microphones are considered by many to be disqualifying features for high-end services like Amazon Prime, Netflix, and others. But is this fair, or just a matter of taste in art? Says Naomi Cumbell, who appears in most of the movie, “Who let you in here?” One of her co-stars, Sheila von Tittenstorm agrees, “Yeah, who let you in here?” We may never know the answer to that question, but one theory is that we just walked into the warehouse and started talking to people in between the times when they were fucking each other. Even more likely, though, is the theory we just mentioned, where we walked in, etc. Will Big Butts and Huge Nuts ever make it to a streaming service that shows movies that aren’t just people fucking? And, more important, does it count if we cast it onto our 85-inch t.v. and pretend we just clicked on Netflix and there it is? Once again, we may never know. But one thing’s for sure—believing in yourself is everything and family comes first.  Not even close to a real depiction of Ed Mountaineer. Ed misunderstood how Monique Samuel’s “love letter” therapy works and he’s redone his work for a better grade. Read his statement below:
NOTE: I guess I fucked up the whole “love letters” thing because I’m being told I wasn’t supposed to be writing love letters TO other versions of myself, but love letters FROM other versions of myself. Guess I should have actually read the book? Anyway… Let’s try this again. Love letter one (from my teenage self) Dear nowadays Ed, Hope you’re doing well. Right now, I’m whacking off. Hard. And that makes it difficult to write you a letter. I will try again when I’m not pounding my meat, but that will be a very narrow window, because I’m doing that constantly. Ed. Love letter two (from my college self) ‘Sup Ed? College is awesome and I’m getting paid and laid! Not! I am getting drunk though. And I’m making decisions that will absolutely fuck our life in the future. You know what they are so I won’t include them in this letter. Back to doing cocaine with turtles I found in the woods, Ed. Love letter three (from me ten years ago) Dearest Ed, I write to you during a time of great change in myself. I received your letter about Nvidia and I have invested everything I have in her. She is not only an excellent dancer, but I think I’m really starting to get along with her kids. The other day, one of them accidentally called me “dad” but then took it back and reminded me that I will never be his dad. I think that’s progress. Also, Nvidia’s ex has stopped trying to murder me, for now. I think it’s because he moved to Alaska to work on a fishing boat where he says he’ll make enough money to win her and his children back. Nvidia tells me it’s highly unlikely he’ll be able to do it, and I’m waiting to hear because he just called and she’s talking to him and she looks super excited and happy and yup, she’s moving back in with him. Why the fuck did you tell me to do this again? Up your butt, Ed.  Taking inspiration from Real Housewife Monique Samuels, Ed Mountaineer goes on a journey of self-reflection and growth by writing love letters to himself.
I’m not usually the guy who’s into self-help, self-care, and self-reflection, but there was something about Real Housewives of Potomac’s Monique Samuels that made me pay attention when she came out with a book about how to find personal growth through writing love letters to yourself. The book, available at Barnes and Nobles and on Monique’s website, advertises itself as “A memoir of self-discovery, transformation and healing,” and explains that “Through shadow work and truths revealed through experience, Monique helps readers confront the patterns keeping them stuck in toxic cycles and gently guides them toward deep self-compassion and soul level forgiveness.” Apparently, if you write yourself love letters, you can grow as a person as you affirm yourself, make peace with your past, accept who you are, and celebrate all that. Also, you’re supposed to write the letters from the perspective of different “versions” of yourself, from different times in your life. I tried it and the results are amazing. Below, I have included three of the letters I wrote. I hope you enjoy them but if you don’t, it doesn’t matter because this is my journey. Three love letters to myself (from different versions of me). By Ed Mountaineer. Love letter one (to my teenage self): Dear Teenage Ed: Why are you whacking off so much? It’s super weird to do it that often, don’t you think? Anyway, I just thought I’d check in and say hi because I LOVE you and I want to be there for you as you get through these really difficult years where all you do is beat your meat and do super embarrassing stuff that will make you wake up in the middle of the night when you’re older and wonder why you did it. I guess I’m here to tell you there’s absolutely nothing you can do to take any of it back, unless you get this before you decide to do that breakdancing thing at the talent show. If you haven’t done that yet, DON’T. Also, you call your teacher “mom” and you’re sixteen so it’s extra weird. Have you done THAT yet? Anyhoo… Keep your dick in your pants, Ed. Love letter two (to my college self): Hey Ed. What up brah! You getting’ paid and laid? No? Maybe that’s because girls don’t like you and you don’t have a job. I’ll write again when you get your shit together. Take it sleazy, Ed. Love letter three (to me ten years ago): Dear Ed, Seriously, what the fuck are you doing? It’s me from ten years in the future and all I can say is that you’re totally fucking up my life with all the dumbass decisions you’re making. If you can invest a shitload of money in this company called Nvidia that would be COOL. Do it. Now. Oh, that’s right. You don’t have any money. Jesus. What the fuck are you even doing right now? Hold up. I just wanna say I LOVE YOU. Do you feel that? If you do, then make some decisions that aren’t dumb as shit and make some fucking money, so I’m not broke right now. I’m sitting here waiting and nothing’s changing so obviously you aren’t doing shit. I’m still waiting. How the fuck does this work, anyway, Monique? Can you get me some tech support on this or something? True love always, Ed. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here. |
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