 Ever since looks maxxer Clavicular was “frame mogged” by a bigger, broader dude, Hortense Comuchio has been looking for a way to do something that doesn’t take a lot of effort but is kind of like that. This is what he’s found.
Let me jump right into it—I’m overweight and been told that I “look like shit” and “stop eating that” from people I hardly know. I guess there’s something that compels them to approach me and say things like, “You don’t look right” and “can I get you a doctor?” One time, someone even came up and said: “why are you in my house” and “are you eating my leftover pizza?” That one hurt. Let me put this in perspective. I’m not enormous. I’m morbidly obese, as the kids today say, but I’m not relegated to a hoveround or a wheelchair. In fact, I walk pretty fast—especially if it’s time for dinner. Hahahaha. You get it. Anyway, I’d been looking for a really good way to use who I am to do something that didn’t take a lot of effort but had a big effect. That’s when I heard about something called “frame mogging” where you just walk up next to someone and make him look like trash because you’re so much better looking or stronger than him. That seemed so cool to me because it expended practically zero energy to just stand next to someone. I also liked the idea of totally shaming someone for what his body looked like. Maybe that was because I’d been shamed so many times before. I wanted revenge, I guess. Of course, my first problem with frame mogging is that I’m totally fat and out of shape so I’m the guy who gets frame mogged just by standing at a bus stop. Old women frame mog me. Middle school students frame mog me. Animals frame mog me. What they couldn’t do, however, was match my fatness. In that area, I ruled. In that area, I was their fucking king. And I became a brutal one—a royal fat ass who mercilessly used the weight of his stature to dominate them till they moved out of frame and sometimes even ran. My first “fat mog” was at that bus stop I mentioned. I was unsure at first if my idea would even work, mostly because I didn’t know if people would even get what I was doing. Turned out they didn’t. And that turned out not even to matter because what I discovered was that fat mogging is all about the mogger and not about the mogged. In my heart, I felt it. I had the sublime experience of overwhelming lesser, thinner humans with my massive body and all its features—rolls of fat, quadruple chins, swelling apendages, and man boobs. This was the thing I’d been searching for all my life—or at least after I became fat. The Intergalactic Business Report asked me to tell its readers about fat mogging and how they can do it too. They paid me in Taco Bell coupons, which they assured me were valid despite their faded appearance and references to food no longer on the menu, like the Meximelt and Taco Salad. But for me, it wasn’t about the money, or the coupons. It was about being a man who could make someone else beneath me based solely on my appearance compared to his. In other words, it was about what all humans have aspired to since the days when they fought with rocks and only fucked doggy-style and could see their own penises because they were in really good shape and didn’t look like me. Anyway, here’s how it’s done: How to “Fat Mog" in eight steps. 1. Be overweight to the point at which when you enter a room you are the fattest one there. (Note: avoid Mexican weddings). 2. Find a “flock” of thin to moderately overweight people. I mentioned that bus stops are good, but you can also do it anywhere people are just standing around—funerals, youth soccer games, Mafia headquarters. 3. Burst into a space next to your victim and just stand there, making him feel less fat and in better shape than you. Really rub it in. 4. Get someone to take a picture for proof. 5. If there’s any confusion, say something like, “You just got mogged, bro!” 6. Ask for contact information so you can exchange photos of yourselves. 7. If they’re in the middle of eating something, maybe ask if they’re going to finish it. 8. Walk away and move on to your next fat mog. Hortense Comuchio is a fat mogger. That’s what he’s doing now. If you’d like to contact him or comment on his article, please reach out to him at [email protected].  As the second Super Mario Brothers movie (Super Mario Galaxy Movie) airs, intellectuals and independent thinkers are once again questioning the logic behind paying Chris Pratt zillions of dollars to fake an Italian accent when they could have hired virtually anyone to do that.
At the Intergalactic Business Report, we have a different take. We believe Pratt was the best and only choice for the role and that it was money well spent. To prove our contention, we reveal 19 other things we feel only Pratt is qualified to do: 19 other jobs Chris Pratt should be paid a zillion dollars to do:
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