Opinon: Let’s revive the conversation about Jake and Maggie as movie lovers. By Ed Mountaineer.

Opinion columnist Ed Mountaineer is known for his controversial views on the entertainment industry. Now he offers his most polarizing idea yet. Why can’t real life incest be erased with fake life acting? 
 
 
Here I go again—taking on the entertainment industry by introducing concepts they are too afraid to broach, or brioche, I’m not sure which. I pose today the simplest of questions: if acting is just acting, why can’t a brother and sister be romantic movie partners? Picture Julia and Eric Roberts making out. Think of Charlie Sheen fake pounding Emilio Estevez. How about John and Joan Cusack suddenly realizing they’re meant to be together? Or, my favorite, the Hemsworths in an all-out, no rules, fake orgy with each other? 
 
Years ago, genius comedy writer Ken Levine pitched the concept of Jake and Maggie as movie lovers and he was met with the kind of criticism you might expect—people suggested he was some kind of perv. Just like they suggest about me. All the time. 
 
Despite the haters, there’s no question that audiences want this, and it may be time Hollywood finally gave it to them. As a non-actor, I’ve been told again and again that movie kissing and love scenes are just acting and that there are no actual romantic feelings involved. This is why actresses’ husbands supposedly show up on set and are like, no big deal, George Clooney just fake-fucked my wife. 
 
I’ve been called a lot of things, including a “danger to myself and others” but one thing I’ve never been called is wrong about my movie casting ideas, mostly because until now I’ve never suggested anything about movie casting. So, my longstanding record may get tested as soon as I hit “send” on this article. But if it’s fair to question my choice for a rom-com couple, isn’t it also fair to question your own revulsion to the idea of sibling actors copulating on screen? Open. Your. Minds.
 
Let’s buttress my argument for a second. Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal are both pretty hot, and they don’t even look the same so there’s not a whole thing where they’d be together and you’d be like, “Hey, they’re clones or something.” If you didn’t know them and saw them together in a bar, you might even ask them how long they’ve been together and they would say something super hilarious like, “All our lives.” And you’d be like, “You’ve been dating since you were born?” 
 
Chemistry. It’s important. Recently, Anne Hathaway said that she had to make out with a bunch of dudes to see if she had it. Sounds horrible. Almost like kissing your sister. Get it? Anyway, Jake and Maggie have chemistry. Literal chemistry if you think about how DNA works, which I don’t. 
 
Next, let’s go on to the whole thing about nepo-babies. Even though Jake and Maggie’s parents are writers and directors, they would NOT be the reason for their children getting this part. Instead, it would be that Jake chooses Maggie and Maggie chooses Jake, making this a nepo-sibling event where they cast each other and thus cancel out the nepotism, because that sounds like what that would do.
 
Lastly, and I cannot emphasize this enough, the people want this. They want it hard. Almost everyone I talk to says something about how this would be great, but they don’t think they’ll see it in their lifetimes because it’s like the Berlin wall coming down and wait a second, the Berlin wall DID come down.
 
Oscars. Imagine when the academy awards came around and they were both nominated for making out with each other because you’d have to be the best actor ever to make out with your sibling and in your mind be a character who’s not doing that. Ratings. 
 
Final point. Viral campaign. Crowd source. Fan favorite. 
 
Movie tagline: “Sometimes, the girl of your dreams grew up with you. In your house.”
 
Alternate movie tagline: “Dance like nobody’s watching and love like you don’t know you’re with your own brother.”
 
#jakeandmaggiemovielovers. 
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.