 No muskrat love. Phone sex used to be an opportunity for normal women to pretend to be slutty and make money talking dirty to pervs who called 976 numbers. Today those jobs are gone and the pervs have actual sex with women who do it for free through dating apps. Progress.
As if arranging sex by hitting a few buttons wasn’t enough, a new trend called “hardballing” means you don’t even need to pretend you’re a decent person worthy of love in order to pound your way through a list of low self-esteem partners. According to Vice, it’s all about being totally upfront about what you want and need, thus cutting out the bother of good manners and courtship. Again, progress. One man who is especially optimistic about this new development in romantic relations is our own Ed Mountaineer, known for his honesty but also for his dating struggles. Below he issues his tour de force hardballing statement: Ed Mountaineer’s hardballing statement: My name is Ed Mountaineer. This is what I want in an online relationship: -Human. Must be human. -Woman. I want a female human. -Available 24 hours a day. -Must be alive. -Just to reiterate I WILL NOT have sex with dead bodies. It’s unfair I need to even mention that. -Hair color doesn’t matter. Except red. And off brown. -Must be willing to make video with me where you’re on the hood of a car. (Not sexual.) -Must be willing to make a video with me where you’re on the hood of a car. (Sexual.) -I eat tacos. Almost all the time. Like smoking three packs a day if they were tacos. -If I show up to meet you and you’re a dead body, I will lose my shit. -If I show up to meet you and you are a different species, I will lose my shit. Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  June's face is larger than we thought. As Hulu’s “The Handmaid’s Tale” concludes, fans have a lot of questions about just what they saw in the finale. Is there hope for the future? Will Gilead fall? What will happen to Serena? We try to answer those questions by offering an analysis of the final episode:
What we learned in the series finale of The Handmaid’s Tale. June’s face is larger than we thought. Some other large faces appear, but by far the biggest one is Elisabeth Moss’s. As Gilead falls, June’s face grows. There may be a direct connection here. It’s as if June’s face is sucking up the power from Gilead and using it to grow larger and dominate the screen so much that there is nothing else to see or contemplate. June is encouraged to write a book, which will become Margaret Atwood’s, “The Handmaid’s Tale,” which will be the story of June’s face and how enormous it is while other stuff happens around it. Elisabeth Moss allows other faces to be on screen, but they are a little smaller and soon give way to her gigantic visage. In the eighties, when someone got burned really badly, someone would shout, “Face!” In The Handmaid’s Tale world, people just point at June instead. Only they can’t be seen pointing because all anyone can see is June’s face. Something is happening with Serena but then there’s Elisabeth Moss’s face again and who even cares anymore. It is revealed that in Pat Benatar’s classic, “We Belong” she was talking about June when she sang, “I see your face everywhere.” The final shot of the series finale seems to suggest that Elisabeth Moss managed to create an entire show around her face. |
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