 A new Gallup poll shows that U.S. alcohol consumption is at an all-time low, with 54% of Americans identifying as drinkers. This is down from 71% in the 1970’s and is attributed to the current belief that beer, wine, and liquor have negative health effects.
As the number of booze consumers trends downward, drunk people are dangerously close to being a minority group in our country. What this means for the future is both terrifying and hopeful as, on one hand, teetotalers may work to reduce the right for citizens to be and get drunk, and on the other, drunks may finally receive the sympathy and special consideration we have advocated for since 2023. In that year, the Intergalactic Business Report named August “Drunk People Awareness Month,” declaring that drunk people were subject to unfair stereotypes and prejudices of which we sought to disabuse an ignorant populace. Today, a mere five percentage points away from minority status, we explore what drunk people may look forward to as the dip continues. 10 ways our culture will change when drunks get minority status: 1. Service animals will carry extra bottles and drag drunks out of dangerous areas such as roadways, bridges, and fountains. St. Bernards are the preferred beast of burden for their historical connection and service to drunks but other animals, such as racoons, beavers, and George “the animal” Steele will be considered. 2. Airlines will be required to offer “drunk” seating. 3. The term “alcohol free” will be replaced with “alcohol deficient,” and the term “contains alcohol” will become “alcohol enriched.” 4. Derogatory titles such as “town drunk,” and “wino” will be changed to “village intoxication consultant” and “Sommelier.” 5. “Brewer’s droop” will become “Alcohol induced penis at rest.” 6. Because playing sports for drunks is more difficult than it is for sobers, any score by fully satisfied (see below) people will end the game and participants must break into an over-the-top celebration for the new champion who showed all you motherfuckers. Showed you. You’re all a fucking joke. 7. “Shit-faced” and “wasted” will be “fully satisfied” and “useful to society.” 8. Drunks who are arrested may ride in the front seat and may touch the driver. 9. The “drunk tank” will be known as the “alcohol consumer center.” 10. When a drunk person asks you if you think you’re better than them, you will be required to reply, “Yes, I admit I do and I apologize. Because of your longstanding suffering as a drunk person, your perceptive powers have become so in tune with the universe that you are able to divine my thoughts. I bow to you and pledge to serve you for the rest of my woeful existence." The Valley’s Danny Darko is “Drunk Sisyphus.” A special Drunk People Awareness Month honor.8/19/2025  It's no myth. Danny Booko is sentenced to a life of servile apologies. As part of Drunk People Awareness Month, the Intergalactic Business Report honors the Valley’s Danny Booko by bestowing upon him the title of “Drunk Sisyphus.”
We’ll explain: Booko, whose alter ego Danny Darko comes out when he drinks, spent season two of Bravo’s “The Valley” defending his drunken behavior. Horrified friends sat, horrified, as Booko asked one of them to “get daddy a drink” and grazed another’s butt cheek. No, this wasn’t just something your grandfather does at every restaurant he eats in. This was a reality show person. On television. Drinking. And misbehaving. Let that sink in for a minute. In-control-of-their-drinking Valley couple Jason and Janet jumped to the defense of defiled on-again off-again lesbian Jasmine, who, following the incident, enrolled Danny in a high interest contrition account in which he’s required to apologize again and again but never pay off his debt completely, thus having to say sorry to her for the rest of his life, making Danny the first ever Drunk Sisyphus. Like the original Sisyphus, who had to roll a boulder up a hill each day only to do it again the next, Danny Booko must apologize to Jasmine each episode of “The Valley,” only to find out the next episode that his apology wasn’t totally accepted because it felt weird or insincere at which point he must do his best to offer his most sincere and non-weird condolences for his existence as someone who said and did something stupid but not deadly, dangerous, illegal, or lifechanging (except in the sense that he has to apologize to Jasmine for eternity) and must now pay an infinite price. Jasmine, who as a heterosexual tried to choke out terrified Bachelor Nick Viall as part of her sex fantasy, explained to Booko that he couldn’t understand the hardships that lesbians like her undergo because straight men don’t take lesbian relationships seriously. Especially lesbian relationships in which one of the lesbians was a straight woman trying to choke out the bachelor as part of her sex fantasy just a little while ago. Danny Darko’s misdeeds didn’t end at the butt-pinching incident of course. He also got drunk several other times at events where everyone was drinking. At one point, he did a shot of tequila in an area away from his wife. This led other drunks to believe he was “hiding” something from her. Later, the same day, Danny took a nap, which, if you’re drunk, is known as “passing out” or “blacking out.” Even without the Drunk Sisyphus honor, Danny Booko has achieved the venerated status of drunk guy in a room full of drunks who is called out for being slightly more drunk than all the other drunks, making his drunk achievements even more impressive. Thank you, Danny Booko. Needless to say, the Intergalactic Business Report issues a standing invitation to join us for drinks, call yourself daddy, and touch our butts. It’s what drunk people do and it’s what makes America great.  August is Drunk People Awareness Month and it’s during this time we celebrate the accomplishments of the inebriated and educate the public on the fact that people with drunkenness are contributors to society, mentors, neighbors, and heroes. They are teachers, doctors, mothers, fathers, babysitters, police officers, diplomats, and gas station attendants (New Jersey only). We could go on but that would mean focusing on a sentence that could meaningfully end this paragraph. Nope. Couldn’t do it.
As we plunder through this month with tales of drunken lore, memes that lionize over imbibers, and pedantic moralizing about how you need to change your view about this group or you’re Hitler, the Intergalactic Business Report invites you to cherish every bit of learning we deign to give you. We will start today with some commonly misplaced stereotypes about people who drink so much they do stuff and something something. Stereotype one: Drunks are lazy. Try drinking fifteen shots in two hours and chase those with half a dozen beers. Is that LAZY? Is that fucking lazy? If pressed on this, drunks are happy to show you what “lazy” really is. They ask the question: “Do you want to know what lazy is?” Followed by the answer: “You.” Followed by the finishing move of: “You’re a fucking joke.” Stereotype two: Drunk people slur their words. Whoor you to even shay dat? Whoor you? Stereotype three: Drunk people are unreliable. Most drunks we surveyed find this the most offensive misconception about them. They work HARD. They work so HARD. And you… You don’t even understand. You don’t GET it. They work HARD. And yeah… Yeah, sometimes they let loose. That’s right. Sometimes the DRINK a little too much. But so what? What’s your problem? You’re a fucking joke. Stereotype four: Drunks are incapable of operating heavy machinery and farm equipment. Farm drunks will beg to differ on this point. They will also happily blow through a cornfield with a machine that is supposed to detassel corn but is really just their Jeep. Also, that forklift. They can show you how to drink a fucking forklift. You wanna see? You wanna fucking see? Stereotype five: Actively drunk people cannot make important decisions. We’ve all heard the ostensibly “good” advice: “Let’s wait till tomorrow to make this life-changing decision because we’ve been drinking all night and our judgment is cloudy.” But imagine you’ve been drinking all night and there’s no way that thought would ever enter your head? Every day and every night drunk people around the world make monumentally serious decisions without the benefit of reasonable people asking reasonable questions that reasonably suggest that gratification be delayed a few hours instead of making rash decisions that could affect your entire existence. Nope. We’re gonna break into a zoo and see if I can fight an ostrich. Stereotype five: Drunk people are “unreasonable.” Unreasonable? Unreasonable? Drunk people are happy to show you what’s really “unreasonable.” Wanna know what that is? They’ll tell you what’s unreasonable. Unreasonable. What a fucking joke. Stereotype six: Drunk people will pee anywhere. Not anywhere. Like not on a statue. Or in their pants. Or… Nope. They will pee anywhere. Stereotype seven: Taco Bell is open late night but what does that even mean? Stereotype eight: Midnight is NOT late night. Sorry. One a.m. is NOT late night. Stereotype nine: There’s gotta be something open. Right? Stereotype ten: Why am a banned from Uber eats? What the fuck did I even do? Oh. Yeah. I remember. Stereotype eleven: If we go back to your place can you at least make me a sandwich or something? Where the fuck are you going? Stereotype twelve: Drunk people are unable to navigate their way home without assistance. True. |
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