What once was a day of pumpkins, spooky decorations, and joy has become a regretful time many overweight, middle-aged men wish would just be over already. No longer able to pull off clever, witty costumes that defined their youths, this demographic has shifted from ubeat celebrants of a wholesome holiday focused on slutty kitty cat outfits and devil worship, to depressed candy bowl holders who warn children to “just take one.”
This Halloween, the Intergalactic Business Report offers these men a last-minute reprieve so that they may once again enjoy the spectacle of the season. If you’re a little fat, shocked at the grotesque statue of decay you’ve become, and want to have a little fun again, we offer you some last-minute costume ideas that will not only get you through the day, but might forever alter your life. Last minute Halloween costumes for overweight, middle-aged men. Fat Harry Hamlin from LA Law. This is what Harry Hamlin’s character from LA Law would be today if he lost most of his hair, gained a shitload of weight, and was a recovering alcoholic. Life-didn’t-work-out dude. Mostly this is a great comeback when someone sardonically asks you what you’re “supposed to be” for Halloween because they think you were too fucking lazy to come up with a costume idea. Joke’s on them. You’re a loser in life and for pretend. The fanny pincher. Keep pinching those fannies till someone figures it out. Peaked in high school. Perhaps the easiest of all costumes, just find your old letter jacket and try to fit it on your fat body. Everyone will immediately get the picture. Big Ted. Just wear a flannel shirt and do a low, chortly laugh that hides your pain, but not really. Whoops, my penis slipped out of my tight Wrangler jeans (adult parties only). This is the one time of year where this could work so take advantage. Unable to control his movements Fred. Wear anything you want, but knock shit over constantly because tonight you’re Fred, who can’t control any of his movements. Sorry about the punch bowl. And for hitting you in the face multiple times. Unable to control his bowel movements Tony. Tony? What did you do? Take a shit on my living room floor? Again? Freak Ho. You’re a saucy lady who will have sex with anyone for money or a handshake with a promise to pay in the future. This should be one of the easiest costumes to pull off, because you constantly have to do that when you have sex with random humans. Dangerous, unpredictable Jerry. No one knows what Jerry’s gonna do next, but rest assured, it will be violent and out of nowhere. Get ready for some inappropriate face-slapping action and police take downs as you introduce your friends and family to your temporary persona as a man with a hair trigger temper who doesn’t recognize the laws of man. Every October the horror movie industry pushes films that promise to shock, surprise, and terrify. Then we watch them and it’s like “pfffffft” (farting sound). This Halloween season, instead of watching recycled ghost stories and junior high jump scares, we’ve curated a “must see” list of brand new, chilling movies that will give you nightmares you may never come back from.
Pumpkin Fuckers 5. This “found footage” masterpiece is about a bunch of sweaty men who have sex with pumpkins. Although there’s not a lot of dialogue, one of the guys asks for a new pumpkin because he’s already destroyed the one they gave him with his dick. (Spoiler: they bring him one and he has sex with it). While this isn’t traditional Halloween fare, horror connoisseurs will appreciate the close-up penetration shots and other stuff as well. Note: Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4 are similar in plot, but we suggest the fifth one because there are more guys and more pumpkins. Freaks on a Boat. What’s that in the distance? Is it a ghost ship floating in the bay? Wait a second… As the camera zooms in, we see it’s a group of men having sex with pumpkins…. On a boat? Yes, it’s a freak show. Yes, it’s dudes pounding pumpkins. Yes, you need to watch it. The Patch. The title tricks the viewer from the start. Is this about a pirate who wears an eye patch? But then, minds are blown when it’s revealed that this is not about a pirate at all, and the word “patch” refers to a pumpkin patch—one where strange men arrive to have sex with all the pumpkins. Unlike other pumpkin fucking movies, this one is outdoors but not on a boat. Instead, it takes place at what looks like an actual pumpkin patch. In one spooky scene, we catch a glimpse of the farmer who agreed to let these guys fuck his pumpkins. He looks kind of pissed off, as if he wants to say, “Why did I let these guys do this to my pumpkins? I can’t sell these now.” Or can he? Behind the Patch. In this documentary, we see behind the scenes footage of how “the Patch” was made. As speculated, the farmer who let the film crew and actors into his pumpkin patch was not totally clear on what was going on, probably because he doesn’t speak English really well. We see tensions rise as some money is exchanged for the use of the property but then all the pumpkins are violated. By the end, we see the farmer screaming in a foreign language at the film producers. The subtitles read: “Why are these men having sex with my pumpkins? I can’t sell them now!” Or can he? Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4. We kind of lied about how Pumpkin Fuckers 5 was better than Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4. They’re all pretty much the same. Just pick one. Or pick them all. It doesn’t really matter. |
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