 Amid the commercialization of Halloween, we often forget the true meaning of a holiday that brings millions of people together through the exchange of candy, the creativity of costumes, and the trust we put in our friends and neighbors to not poison our children.
“Big Halloween” has stolen the innocence of a day in October when children once made their own crappy costumes and roamed their local streets carrying pillowcases to hold a bounty of singly wrapped butter scotches, weirdly shaped Mounds bars, and tiny tootsie rolls. Today, fueled by pop up Spirit Halloween shops and “fun sized” candy bars, a cold, multi-national conglomerate of money-churning ghouls has subverted wholesome fun in favor of profit and conformity. One bright spot has been the slutty outfits worn by hot parents and single women who have one magic night to act like a hooker. Go back thirty or forty years, and this kind of action was hard to find. Harder still, were not penises. Because there was nothing to harden them as there is today. You get it. How do we fight against the all-consuming consumerism of Halloween as it creeps up upon us again today? How do we explain to a younger generation that there was a time when the joy of a brisk fall night and running around the neighborhood with your friends was the true reward and not the logistics of having the perfect outfit, the perfect display of skeletons moaning, and the perfect dish of candy, laid out perfectly for the perfect little children who have no respect for the work you put in as you hide in a nearby bush, dressed as one of the guys from Milli Vanilli (although they wouldn’t GET that) and you tell yourself only to jump out if one of those fuckers takes more than two pieces because that’s what the fucking sign says? How? How do we explain that in our day women didn’t even think of wearing slutty outfits and if they did it was because they ALREADY were hookers and they were kind of dressing for work? How do we tell them there were no pre-made sexy kitty cat or skanky nurse costumes available to anyone? If you were a skanky nurse, you were ACTUALLY a skanky nurse. If you were a sexy kitty you were an ACTUAL cat, and if people found you sexy, then they were into having sex with animals. It was sick back then. Here's a terrible idea. Let’s start handing out hot beef sandwiches to kids this Halloween. Or is it a great idea? We don’t even know anymore. In the end, your Halloween celebration is up to you. If you want it to be cold and driven by internet trends, then that’s your choice. But if you are attractive and want to dress up like an incredibly slutty version of yourself then do that too. Don’t hold back. In fact, use the internet and social media to display pictures of you dressed up as an incredibly slutty version of yourself. We’re done writing now. Goodbye. -The editorial staff.  It’s Halloween month in America and many are seeking the scariest movies to soothe our need to imagine humans being slaughtered, evil spirits popping up behind priests, and crypto beasts invading our homes. But for a growing amount of the population, a different kind of film is driving viewing preferences. Enter the erotic Halloween movie, which isn’t porn* but is very close, and whose plots mix the spooky with the kinky.
To save you from accidentally searching porn titles, the Intergalactic Business Report offers you a list of the best and hottest erotic Halloween movies, streaming right now: 1. Abigall’s Ghostly Panties. Abi Johanson has a dark secret. Her underwear is dead. Huh? Turns out her undies used to be worn by a Victorian lady who had a lot of sex with random mendicants she encountered on the streets of London. When Abi stayed at the Trenningham Arms on a post-college vacation to find herself, she woke up wearing them. At first, she screamed. But then she felt a certain cold comfort and began transforming into Ms. Minkle, the bawdy old whore to whom the foul garments belonged. When Abi meets and falls in love with dashing royal Samuel Boynefeld, he asks her to marry him and live at his lonely estate in the north of England. But Abi’s panties long for the London streets until they find out that Samuel too has a pair of possessed undies. Is it a match made in hell? Or just two attractive young people wearing nasty 19th century underwear? Streaming on Netflix. 2. Tie Me Up and Almost Kill Me. Fred Givens has a peculiar kink. He likes to be subdued and beaten. Good thing other people are into subduing and beating people because otherwise Fred’s sex life would be empty. One night, Fred’s Tinder date gets a little too rough and almost kills him, but doesn’t, leaving Fred to wonder if he can push the limits of his sexuality closer to death. SPOILER ALERT: Fred’s new sex partner is into it but is also reasonable enough to see the danger and exits the relationship, leaving Fred’s sex life empty (see above). But when Fred meets an actual serial killer, he believes he has found a partner who can finally satisfy him. SPOILER ALERT: turns out that’s a bad idea because the serial killer and Fred aren’t on the same page when it comes to what they want. So Fred just gets flat out murdered. On Amazon Prime. 3. The Sun and the Stench. This horror gem takes place in the fictional town of Assville, Ohio, which is almost permanently dark and cloudy. Assville is near a chemical plant that often blows a foul stench upon the citizens. Before the stench, there is sunlight, but only for a moment. While most people accept Assville for what it is, plucky teenagers Terrence and Fiona decide to solve the mystery of the odor. SPOILER ALERT: They’re all living inside someone’s butt, and the sunlight is when the butt passage opens up to fart. Streaming on Tubi. 4. Nasty Girllzzzzz. The biggest whores and the biggest whores all have an orgy to decide who is the biggest whore. And it takes place on Halloween (probably). Available only on VHS. 5. Pumpkin Fuckers Five. See our 2024 article. This movie still holds up, a year later. 6. Isn’t it Time We Stopped Having Sex with Our Masks On? A documentary about people who only have sex while wearing Halloween masks. Not very scary, except for the fact that these people wear Halloween masks when they fuck each other. So, kind of scary except no one dies. SPOILER ALERT: the group decides it is NOT time to stop having sex with their masks on, so stay tuned till there’s a follow up documentary or whatever, where they revisit that question. Streaming on IFC. *It’s porn.  I am writing this while a grizzly bear humps my leg and a gallery of jacked up, steroid freaks films it. I shouldn’t have let it come to this, but I had to do it for the sake of my job, my life, and my country. How did I get here? That’s a whole thing.
One week earlier: As I enter my workplace, something seems off. Erika, who’s usually upbeat and friendly, won’t talk to me. I brush past her desk and accidentally rub against her shoulder. “Sorry,” I say, but she has no reaction. Is she deep into her work? Or did I do or say something to piss her off? Next I go to my boss’s office. I peer inside but he’s not there. That’s odd. He’s usually not absent on a Monday morning. I ask his assistant if he’ll be back soon. She won’t answer me. Now I’m starting to get angry. “Why won’t anyone talk to me?” I scream. Everyone in the office looks away and pretends to be working on something but I can tell they hear me. Even so, I scream again. And again. And again. One day earlier: Outside my boss’s house, I am drinking a bottle of expensive wine—because I have class and also because I stole it from my neighbor who is a fancypants but that’s a whole other thing I can’t get into right now. As I finish the last drops and set the bottle down, I finally have the courage to approach the house and ask my boss for what I deserve. He answers the door. He looks surprised. I had a whole speech prepared but when I open my mouth, all that comes out is: “AAAAAARGGGH!” He shuts the door. I pound on it. He says he’s called the police. I try to explain, but again, all I can do is say: “AAAAAARGHHH!” Then I add: “Motherfucker!” and I run. One hour earlier: I look through Darrin’s fancypants wine collection and decide to take the bottle he said was most expensive. Stupid Darrin. He won’t miss it, right? Anyway, I take it and leave and walk to Erika’s. I sip my wine and get up the courage to approach her house. I walk up the cobblestone path that leads to her door. Then I knock. She answers. I have so much to say to her but then I speak and something goes wrong. I can only say: “UUUUUNNNNGGGH!” and then: “Master Blaster!” In my heart, I know what that means. But the translation is off. I must explain and tell her that “Master Blaster rules Bartertown.” She doesn’t get it. I’m not sure I do either. I do a dance, because that is the last thing I can do to express myself. One minute earlier. “UUUUUNNNNGGGH!” I say to Erika. “Master Blaster!” One second earlier. “Master Blaster.” Present time: I am writing this while a grizzly bear humps my leg and a gallery of jacked up, steroid freaks films it. I shouldn’t have let it come to this, but I had to do it for the sake of my job, my life, and my country. How did I get here? That’s a whole thing. Question: How the fuck does this even work? Cedric Bigglestone is a self-taught journalist who exposes things through exposés. He also writes other stuff, like this. Contact him at [email protected].  When “it was all just a dream” ended as an acceptable plot device, writers were left longing for a way to skip the burden of building a compelling story and interesting characters by replacing it with a jarring mindfuck that leaves everyone unsatisfied.
That’s when someone came up with the idea to start every narrative “in media res” and then flash a title card saying: “One month earlier” before making the rest of the script the story of how the fuck we got to the whacko scene in the beginning. This method of storytelling is so brilliant and accessible even the Real Housewives franchise starting using it. We hope to as well. But before we do, we just want to tell you, the writers, thank you. Even though the BEGINNING of your show is the only exciting part we will ever actually watch, we are now prepared to slog through the entire backstory leading up to the excitement. Thank you again. We can’t wait to find out why the character in the beginning scene is pissed off at that other character even though they were best friends a month ago. What? Huh? This is bonkers. Also, how did they get into a shootout? Some pretty fucked up stuff must happen in this story! We can’t wait to find out. One more thing. When we finally DO get to the beginning scene (at the end of the show/movie/episode) how the fuck are the characters going to get out of THAT mess? You’ve got us thinking at so many levels our shorts just fell off and yup, we have a hard-on. Some people may call it “hapless” or “inept” or even “fuck it, imma do this even though every other person does this every fucking time--there I did it" but we celebrate the consistent use of tropes till they grind our brains numb. Below we list a few of our other favorites (in case you’re not using them already): 1. The man whose wife cheats on him and he has to apologize to her because it’s really his fault because he “took his eyes off the prize” and deserved it. 2. The degenerate gambler who inexplicably starts winning every hand, dice roll, and roulette spin till he only needs one more bet to win it all—and then he loses. Oh no. 3. The degenerate gambler who owes money to some “really bad guys” and they want it back or some really bad things are gonna happen. Oh no to the no. 4. Black Rabbit. 5. The character who coughs and someone says, “Are you o.k.?” and she says, “Of course. I’m fine.” And then she dies. 6. The scene where 90-pound women go out drinking and do twelve tequila shots in a row and don’t die. 7. The hot chick who wears baseball jerseys and knows more about sports than any man. 8. Chad Michael Murray eating a cheeseburger. 9. Something really positive happens that’s going to solve everybody’s problems and then immediately afterwards everything goes to shit. 10. People having mature relationships where they trust, understand, and genuinely appreciate each other and say things like, “You deserve this” and “Whatever you decide, I’m behind you 100%.” 11. Characters who live in New York City who find it impossible to come up with ten grand even though that’s what they pay in rent every month. |
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