 Known for his celebrity connections, fame, and complicated relationship with Ryan Reynolds, Ed Mountaineer’s new screenplay, “What’s wrong with this guy?” is almost completed. This week, we offer you an inside look at what it’s all about. Below is an exclusive excerpt:
EXT. FRATERNITY HOUSE BACKYARD – LATER Ed is a little drunk and holds a red solo cup. He drinks near a keg outside. Dave is with him. A BLONDE steps up to the keg. BLONDE Can you pour me one? Ed pours her a cup and hands it to her. BLONDE Thanks. I heard what you did with your penis. DAVE What did he do? BLONDE He took it off and beat some guys up with it. DAVE He did what? BLONDE Never seen anything like it. My name’s Lucy. ED Hey, Lucy. BLONDE And what’s your name? ED It’s Ed. BLONDE Do you want to go out sometime, Ed? ED Yes. The blonde walks away. DAVE What’s she talking about, Ed? ED It’s just a thing I’m able to do. It’s weird. I used to be ashamed about it, but it’s kind of like a whole thing I don’t want to get into right now. DAVE O.K. Ed sips his beer. (V.O.) As I drank my beer I started thinking about how cool it must have looked to see someone get beat up with a penis. It must have been cool for Lucy. Oh, and the thing where I laser-beamed the couch was made up. That part didn’t really happen. But the part where I took off my dick was actually real. DAVE You are crazy, man. ED I know. (beat) Hey, I’m gonna head back. I need to get up early tomorrow. DAVE Later. Ed waves bye. EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT Ed walks home through a quad. Streetlights shine along his way. He reaches into his pants and pulls out a huge, flesh colored dildo. He peeks inside his underwear and sees his real dick there. ED Yup. Still there. (Secret note to the director: Ed never really took off his penis. He just carried around a huge fake one and everybody thought it was his real one. But it wasn’t. His real dick is much smaller. But attached. So what Ed said in the voiceover above was a lie. Except for the laser beam part. That was true. Meaning that it was true he DIDN’T laser beam a couch. The part about the separable penis was a lie.) Ed Mountaineer is a famous columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.  Relationships are hard work, and they require understanding, compromise, and emotional support. What happened to an Oregon man, who thought he’d met “the one,” is a cautionary tale so incendiary, it set the internet on fire. “Butch,” was a regular guy—beers on the weekend at a local bar, barbecues with family, and a solid blue-collar job. One Saturday night, while throwing a few back at Touchdown’s Sports Bar, he met “Cindy,” a cute little thing who preferred denim and cowboy boots to black cocktail dresses and heels. She was the kind of down-to-earth, friendly, hometown girl Butch had always dreamed about. They found each other at the bar and started an innocent flirtation. Something clicked between them and Butch knew she was different than the other women he knew around town. But what happened next was something he could never have guessed. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)    Cindy suggested they share a drink together, and before either of them realized, they’d been talking and sipping beers for nearly three hours in a booth. Butch’s friends tried in vain to pull him away a few times, and they finally gave up. Butch wanted to know everything about Cindy and she seemed to want the same of him. It was like they’d known each other forever but forgotten the details. Now was their chance to catch up. As the bar hit last call, Butch suggested they continue their conversation at an all-night diner he knew. Cindy peeked at her watch and looked nervous. She told him that she’d forgot the time and needed to run. Butch, known among his friends as a guy who couldn’t be tied down, was suddenly at a loss. He wanted more. And not just sex. Cindy had something he’d never seen before. Cindy got up to leave. But then she turned and told Butch: “I really had fun tonight. Can we do it again soon?” Butch beamed with relief. He tried to compose himself, but something about her was too much. He just nodded his head and asked, “Can I get your number?” But Cindy just giggled and told him, “You don’t need that.” Butch was confused. “How am I going to reach you?” “Don’t worry about that,” Cindy told him. Before he knew it, she was gone, and he wondered if he’d ever actually see her again. What he didn’t know, was that seeing her again would be the least of his worries. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)    Butch went back to Touchdown’s the next night, hoping to find Cindy, but he had no such luck. He returned again, evening after evening, but she never materialized. After a while, he began to think his meeting with her was just a dream. She seemed so perfect, after all. Following a couple months of looking, Butch gave up. There were plenty of other girls, and a lot of them were interested. He went on a few dates but something about them were off. Hard as he tried, Butch couldn't get Cindy off his mind. He started to wonder if he’d met his soulmate in her. Maybe the universe had brought them together for a brief moment, and then moved them apart. But his life wasn’t some silly romance novel. Or was it? Then, just as Butch was ready to give up, he looked over from his barstool to see Cindy strolling through the door like she owned the place. She walked over to him and what she told him would change his life forever. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  Cindy whispered in Butch’s ear. If you were there that night, and saw him, you’d see a look of confusion on his face. She then gave him a slip of paper and left. Butch read it carefully and his confusion turned to more confusion and then… Rage. What did the note say? (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  Butch ran out into the parking lot. He furiously looked around for Cindy. Then he stared again at the note. It began with: “Dear Butch. I have a secret that you need to know…” Butch looked up. Cindy was right in front of him. She asked him if he read the note. He nodded. What she said next, changed everything. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  After reading the note and hearing what Cindy said, Butch calmed himself down and asked Cindy a simple question: “Why?” Although she had a steely, almost unbreakable demeanor, she began to cry uncontrollably. Butch held and comforted her. He whispered now: “Why?” “Read the note again,” she urged him. “Read it out loud.” He started reading. “Dear Butch. I have a secret that you need to know. Even though I seem like a normal, fun-loving girl, I have something dark to tell you that I’ve never shared with anyone else before.” Butch gulped. He didn’t want to read what came next. But Cindy assured him it would be o.k. “Go on,” she said. “Read the next line.” What came out of Butch’s mouth next were words neither of them thought could ever be spoken by another human being. (SCROLL DOWN TO READ MORE)  |
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