 When our editors noticed a recent Atlantic article titled “The end of naked locker rooms,” we didn’t read it. Mostly because we got the gist of the story through the headline, which said it all—people aren’t comfortable taking their clothes off in locker rooms anymore and that’s going to be a problem—for Phil Ratuliak.
Let us tell you about Phil. Phil loves getting naked. In front of others. It’s like his thing. So the prospect of him never being able to expose himself to sweaty strangers is going to be a massive hit to his personal life. FULL DISCLOSURE: Phil Ratuliak doesn’t know we wrote this article and in no way gave us permission to publicly examine his interest in being nude in locker rooms. MORE FULL DISCLOSURE: Ratuliak has threatened us in the past when we exposed him (but not in the way he prefers, in a locker room, where there are a lot of people around to see his naked body). Enough about Phil though. We feel strongly that the end of naked locker rooms is also the end of an era—for people like Phil Ratuliak who are most comfortable when they can take all their clothes off in a socially acceptable way where people aren’t thinking it’s weird and a “warning sign” and a “thing only perverts do.” It almost makes you think of the early days of naked locker rooms when some guy had the idea that all the other guys and he should be naked together after playing sports. It must have been so hard for the originator of naked locker rooms (perhaps a distant relative of Phil Ratuliak?) to present this idea at a village meeting or whatever they did back then. Imagine the balls on that guy. And also imagine how much courage it took to do what he did. After meeting strong resistance (we’re assuming, because we don’t do historical research), the first naked locker room was probably established somewhere on the East Coast, where there’s a longstanding tradition of circle jerks, clam bakes, Eagles games, and other male on male homoerotic events. From there it grew to something everyone understood and took part in—even if you had an odd-looking penis or a birthmark that looked like a penis. It was a time in our country when taking off your clothes, showering, and walking around really slowly to make the moment last were all 100% acceptable. Let’s face it. It was a time when Phil Ratuliak was 100% acceptable. But now, because of sensitivities and political pressure, our locker rooms have become more private, and less social. Men are asked to change in stalls or “changing rooms” and are even told, “Hey, you can’t be naked in here!” when they resist this new and lifeless social order. FULL DISCLOSURE: We are not telling men to resist or to undress in front of other men in a sign of protest or solidarity with Phil Ratuliak. But Phil Ratuliak probably is. Because this is everything to him and he’s like the head of a revolution to fight against anyone who doesn’t want to see him naked. FULL DISCLOSURE: We feel almost sorry for Phil. So maybe flash him if you see him. Or let him flash you. Choose kindness. FULL DISCLOSURE: We’re done writing now. Goodbye.  Jersey Mike's Therapy In season three of Hulu’s Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, cast member Mikayla bravely allows a therapy session to be filmed in which she deals with a horrifying childhood trauma. While we applaud her courage, we watched with great interest as the therapist employed a technique she called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. From what we witnessed on episode five, EMDR involves a therapist asking questions while she holds up two fingers and feverishly moves them back and forth in front of the subject’s face until, we assume, the therapist finally passes out.
Because the Intergalactic Business Report prides itself on being at the forefront of any new psychological treatments, we applaud the Mormons for their unorthodox therapy techniques such as Ketamine therapy and soaking. Below, we list other therapies whose times have come and we invite the Mormon wives to try them: New therapeutic treatments for the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. Jersey Mike’s Therapy: The therapist eats a sandwich, and her mouth is so full that you have to do all the talking, thus forcing you to express your needs, especially that the psychologist would stop eating or at least use a napkin. Open Hole Therapy: The therapist puts one finger in her own butt while asking you questions. High Heart Rate Therapy: The therapist does jumping jacks until she passes out. Extreme Urine Therapy: The therapist has to pee really badly during the session. Circular Motion Therapy: The therapist circles you while asking questions. 7-11 Therapy: The therapist drinks a big gulp during the session. Parlay Therapy: The therapist places bets on an app while you tell her about your childhood trauma. Silent Therapy: The therapist ignores you so you have to deal with the problem on your own because that’s the only way you’re really going to face it. Absence Therapy: The therapist isn’t even there. You just sit there in a room and think. Really think. Sticker Shock Therapy: The therapist reads you your bill while you ask how it could possibly be that high. Stop Motion Therapy: The therapist pretends to be “frozen” while she asks you questions. Then her mouth stops moving from the freeze and you have to be alone with your thoughts as you watch her grow more and more cold and distant. Water Park Therapy: The therapist is at a water park, and you are in her office. Occasionally she Facetimes you to tell you about the slide she just went down, and you have to be like, yeah, that’s awesome, and then she’s like, well, I better get back to it, and she hangs up. Dinner Therapy: You cook a meal for the therapist at your house while she questions you. But most of the questions are about why you cooked that so long and why there’s so much salt. Vespa Therapy: You and the therapist rent mopeds and drive through the city. It’s hard to talk because there’s traffic and it’s loud, but at the end of it you’ve symbolically “arrived” somewhere and that’s good, right? Extreme Decibel Therapy: The therapist screams her questions. Gen Z Therapy: The therapist plays on her phone while asking questions. Occasionally she’ll stop the session to show you a meme or just laugh at something and then apologize before saying, “It’s not you.”  On this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Lisa Barlow dropped the rumor that Bronwyn Newport’s husband Todd was seen by her friend making out with someone and that he was “farting the entire time.” When questioned about who her friend was, Barlow stated it was “someone that I believe and trust.” She added that, “I mean, I grew up in New York, I know a lot of people.”
Something about this exchange captivated our editors and led us on a path of truth-seeking we have seldom journeyed upon. We realized that we too know a lot of people we believe and trust, so we decided to share the stuff we’ve heard from them. Here’s what we gathered from those trusted sources: “Colonel Sanders bit my nipple off.”* “Squirrels are real.”** That was pretty much all we got. But then it hit us why this story fascinated us so much. It was simple—Todd’s fart power. If Lisa Barlow’s story is true it means that Todd was able to go through an entire make out session (which averages 11.9 minutes) while farting “the entire time.” That means almost twelve full minutes of nonstop farting. Considering a fart takes about two seconds to release (five if it is a long, bellowing rip) Todd could have farted almost 360 times, making him the greatest living farter on Earth (Banjo Mukaheedin will always be number one, but his farts were before recorded history and are the stuff of legends). Even if Todd only “made out” for a few minutes, his fart production would have been stunning. Lisa’s description of the event also reveals that people were actively watching and smelling the event, meaning it was so pronounced and farty that at least one witness felt compelled to come forward and tell the world. We assume the ventilation at the incident site was powerful enough to prevent deaths (see below). The implications for Todd as a fart master are significant. The obvious route for him would be to work for an intelligence agency where he would appear in a subway tunnel or elevator and target foreign adversaries with his farts. Most humans can absorb the odor of one or two farts, but few are immune to the foul deadliness of a veritable Gatlin Gun of tiny butt explosions. Todd could enter the scene, fart until his victims fell dead, and then leave as though nothing happened other than a middle-aged man entering a closed space and farting for several minutes until everyone died. As you read that last sentence, you probably asked yourself, “Wait a second. How’s Todd not dead? He’s in the middle of the fart storm.” And this brings us to the most intriguing part of Todd’s ability—he clearly can’t smell farts or at least isn’t affected by them. He can even make out and do them. Experts*** we spoke to told us that farts you produce yourself are somehow not as malodorous as someone else’s, forming what is known as the Smellt it Dealt it Paradox. Whatever the case, Lisa Barlow’s rumor remains officially unverified and is kind of like someone saying they saw Bigfoot—we want to believe them, but if it’s true, then the world has changed forever. *Could’ve been someone who kind of looked like Colonel Sanders. **Unverified. ***Some guy at a bar. |
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