Drunk people are inches away from reaching minority status. What that means for America.

A new Gallup poll shows that U.S. alcohol consumption is at an all-time low, with 54% of Americans identifying as drinkers. This is down from 71% in the 1970’s and is attributed to the current belief that beer, wine, and liquor have negative health effects. 
 
As the number of booze consumers trends downward, drunk people are dangerously close to being a minority group in our country. What this means for the future is both terrifying and hopeful as, on one hand, teetotalers may work to reduce the right for citizens to be and get drunk, and on the other, drunks may finally receive the sympathy and special consideration we have advocated for since 2023.
 
In that year, the Intergalactic Business Report named August “Drunk People Awareness Month,” declaring that drunk people were subject to unfair stereotypes and prejudices of which we sought to disabuse an ignorant populace. Today, a mere five percentage points away from minority status, we explore what drunk people may look forward to as the dip continues.

10 ways our culture will change when drunks get minority status:
 
1. Service animals will carry extra bottles and drag drunks out of dangerous areas such as roadways, bridges, and fountains. St. Bernards are the preferred beast of burden for their historical connection and service to drunks but other animals, such as racoons, beavers, and George “the animal” Steele will be considered. 

2. Airlines will be required to offer “drunk” seating. 

3. The term “alcohol free” will be replaced with “alcohol deficient,” and the term “contains alcohol” will become “alcohol enriched.” 

4. Derogatory titles such as “town drunk,” and “wino” will be changed to “village intoxication consultant” and “Sommelier.”  

5. “Brewer’s droop” will become “Alcohol induced penis at rest.” 

6. Because playing sports for drunks is more difficult than it is for sobers, any score by fully satisfied (see below) people will end the game and participants must break into an over-the-top celebration for the new champion who showed all you motherfuckers. Showed you. You’re all a fucking joke. 

7. “Shit-faced” and “wasted” will be “fully satisfied” and “useful to society.”  

8. Drunks who are arrested may ride in the front seat and may touch the driver. 

9. The “drunk tank” will be known as the “alcohol consumer center.” 

​10. When a drunk person asks you if you think you’re better than them, you will be required to reply, “Yes, I admit I do and I apologize. Because of your longstanding suffering as a drunk person, your perceptive powers have become so in tune with the universe that you are able to divine my thoughts. I bow to you and pledge to serve you for the rest of my woeful existence."

Drunk People tees