Drunk People Awareness Month is back. We break the stereotypes you so dearly cling onto.

August is Drunk People Awareness Month and it’s during this time we celebrate the accomplishments of the inebriated and educate the public on the fact that people with drunkenness are contributors to society, mentors, neighbors, and heroes. They are teachers, doctors, mothers, fathers, babysitters, police officers, diplomats, and gas station attendants (New Jersey only). We could go on but that would mean focusing on a sentence that could meaningfully end this paragraph. Nope. Couldn’t do it.
 
As we plunder through this month with tales of drunken lore, memes that lionize over imbibers, and pedantic moralizing about how you need to change your view about this group or you’re Hitler, the Intergalactic Business Report invites you to cherish every bit of learning we deign to give you. We will start today with some commonly misplaced stereotypes about people who drink so much they do stuff and something something. 
 
Stereotype one: Drunks are lazy.
Try drinking fifteen shots in two hours and chase those with half a dozen beers. Is that LAZY? Is that fucking lazy? If pressed on this, drunks are happy to show you what “lazy” really is. They ask the question: “Do you want to know what lazy is?” Followed by the answer: “You.” Followed by the finishing move of: “You’re a fucking joke.”
 
Stereotype two: Drunk people slur their words.
Whoor you to even shay dat? Whoor you? 
 
Stereotype three: Drunk people are unreliable.
Most drunks we surveyed find this the most offensive misconception about them. They work HARD. They work so HARD. And you… You don’t even understand. You don’t GET it. They work HARD. And yeah… Yeah, sometimes they let loose. That’s right. Sometimes the DRINK a little too much. But so what? What’s your problem? You’re a fucking joke. 
 
Stereotype four: Drunks are incapable of operating heavy machinery and farm equipment.
Farm drunks will beg to differ on this point. They will also happily blow through a cornfield with a machine that is supposed to detassel corn but is really just their Jeep. Also, that forklift. They can show you how to drink a fucking forklift. You wanna see? You wanna fucking see? 
 
Stereotype five: Actively drunk people cannot make important decisions. 
We’ve all heard the ostensibly “good” advice: “Let’s wait till tomorrow to make this life-changing decision because we’ve been drinking all night and our judgment is cloudy.” But imagine you’ve been drinking all night and there’s no way that thought would ever enter your head? Every day and every night drunk people around the world make monumentally serious decisions without the benefit of reasonable people asking reasonable questions that reasonably suggest that gratification be delayed a few hours instead of making rash decisions that could affect your entire existence. Nope. We’re gonna break into a zoo and see if I can fight an ostrich.
 
Stereotype five: Drunk people are “unreasonable.”
Unreasonable? Unreasonable? Drunk people are happy to show you what’s really “unreasonable.” Wanna know what that is? They’ll tell you what’s unreasonable. Unreasonable. What a fucking joke. 
 
Stereotype six: Drunk people will pee anywhere.
Not anywhere. Like not on a statue. Or in their pants. Or… Nope. They will pee anywhere. 
 
Stereotype seven: Taco Bell is open late night but what does that even mean? 
 
Stereotype eight: Midnight is NOT late night. 
Sorry. One a.m. is NOT late night. 
 
Stereotype nine: There’s gotta be something open. 
Right?
 
Stereotype ten: Why am a banned from Uber eats? 
What the fuck did I even do? Oh. Yeah. I remember. 
 
Stereotype eleven: If we go back to your place can you at least make me a sandwich or something? 
Where the fuck are you going?
 
Stereotype twelve: Drunk people are unable to navigate their way home without assistance. 
True. 
 

Merch only drunk people would wear