Ed Mountaineer reads Ryan Reynolds lips and you won’t believe what they say. By Ed Mountaineer.

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At a recent Hollywood something thing, a lip reader noticed that Ryan Reynolds was a complete dick to Eugene Levy, but because Reynolds hides behind his perfect image, most people didn’t catch it. But the lipreader did. So…
 
Anyway, it’s well known that I am in a longstanding feud with Ryan Reynolds and that it’s something that could have been alleviated years ago but wasn’t because Mr. Perfect thought it was better to continue “not knowing who I am.”  That’s not an actual quote, because Ryan Reynolds holds me in such contempt that he refuses to even be quoted about me. I put that in “quotes” because it’s the least I deserve—to have Ryan Reynolds say he doesn’t know who I am and have someone ask him about me in the first place. But I don’t even get that. 
 
What many people don’t know about me is that I have been reading lips for years. I didn’t “learn” to do it—it is just a natural ability I’ve always had. As a child, adults would turn down the volume during the Muppet Show and Sesame Street, and I could still follow every word Big Bird, Oscar, and the Swedish Chef said. To this day, I can simply walk down the street and “hear” everyone—as if they are shouting madness at me and I, like some sort of wonderful, benevolent god, listen to their pathetic prayers. Many of their prayers are grunts that are not language and fart noises, but I listen, nevertheless. I said I was benevolent. 
 
On to my lipreading. I feel like I need to prove my abilities, because anyone could just say, “Hey, I can read lips and thoughts and stuff,” and it could be a total lie. So I’m going to list a few things I “heard” through my lip reading in the past few weeks. I think you’ll find them very interesting and, in some cases, very shocking. O.K. Here we go:
 
Ryan Reynolds, talking to a limo driver:
 
“Hey, motherfucker! Learn to drive! I’m Ryan fucking Reynolds. You don’t drive Ryan Reynolds like that!” 
 
Ryan Reynolds, waving to fans as he went into a restaurant:
 
“Are you seriously my motherfucking fans? Seriously? Ryan Reynolds wants better fans! Come on, man. Leave this Earth!”
 
Ryan Reynolds, shopping somewhere:
 
“Is this the fucking perfume section! Arrrrgh! I didn’t want to be here! This sucks! Get me out of the perfume section, motherfuckers! Arrrrrrrgh…!”
 
Ryan Reynolds driving his expensive car into his big fancy house:
 
“Is that Ed Mountaineer standing near my driveway? I will steal his soul if I get the chance! Bahahaha! I control your thoughts now, Ed!”
 
Ryan Reynolds, as a talk show he’s on goes to break:
 
“This show motherfucking sucks! You suck! I hate this fucking show! You suck! Did I already say that?”
 
Ryan Reynolds, looking at his phone (not speaking, just thoughts):
 
“I wonder if I should call Ed Mountaineer. He seems like a cool guy. Maybe I should give him a chance and do a trial best friend thing with him where we do it for six months and if it’s going really well then we do it permanently. Hmmmm.”
 
Homeless guy I saw (doing that thing where he puts his index finger on his lips and moves it up and down like he’s under water):
 
“Buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh...Bububuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh…(breathes) Buhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuhbuh.”
 
Ernie (of Ernie and Bert) at no volume:
 
“Hey Ed, Ryan Reynolds is talking smack about you again. I know. Just wear your space helmet and he’ll go away. Just do it. God damn it, Ed! Put on the motherfucking helmet!”

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That’s it. In conclusion, I’m available if you need me for lipreading services. I charge a lot, but I can also read thoughts, so that makes it worth it. I’m done writing now. Goodbye.
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.
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