Ed Mountaineer releases his “Hardball” dating statement.

No muskrat love.

Phone sex used to be an opportunity for normal women to pretend to be slutty and make money talking dirty to pervs who called 976 numbers. Today those jobs are gone and the pervs have actual sex with women who do it for free through dating apps. Progress.
 
As if arranging sex by hitting a few buttons wasn’t enough, a new trend called “hardballing” means you don’t even need to pretend you’re a decent person worthy of love in order to pound your way through a list of low self-esteem partners. According to Vice, it’s all about being totally upfront about what you want and need, thus cutting out the bother of good manners and courtship. Again, progress. 
 
One man who is especially optimistic about this new development in romantic relations is our own Ed Mountaineer, known for his honesty but also for his dating struggles. Below he issues his tour de force hardballing statement:
 
Ed Mountaineer’s hardballing statement:
 
My name is Ed Mountaineer. This is what I want in an online relationship:
 
-Human. Must be human. 
-Woman. I want a female human. 
-Available 24 hours a day. 
-Must be alive. 
-Just to reiterate I WILL NOT have sex with dead bodies. It’s unfair I need to even mention that. 
-Hair color doesn’t matter. Except red. And off brown. 
-Must be willing to make video with me where you’re on the hood of a car. (Not sexual.)
-Must be willing to make a video with me where you’re on the hood of a car. (Sexual.)
-I eat tacos. Almost all the time. Like smoking three packs a day if they were tacos. 
-If I show up to meet you and you’re a dead body, I will lose my shit.
-If I show up to meet you and you are a different species, I will lose my shit.
 
 
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.

Ed wears this merch