Exclusive excerpts from Ed Mountaineer’s new screenplay.

Known for his celebrity connections, fame, and complicated relationship with Ryan Reynolds, Ed Mountaineer’s new screenplay, “What’s wrong with this guy?”  is almost completed.  This week, we offer you an inside look at what it’s all about. Below is an exclusive excerpt:
 
 
EXT. FRATERNITY HOUSE BACKYARD – LATER
 
Ed is a little drunk and holds a red solo cup. He drinks near a keg outside. Dave is with him. 
 
A BLONDE steps up to the keg.
 
                                                           BLONDE
                                              Can you pour me one? 
 
Ed pours her a cup and hands it to her.
 
                                                         BLONDE
                                              Thanks. I heard what you did with your penis.
 
                                                          DAVE
                                              What did he do?
 
                                                          BLONDE
                                              He took it off and beat some guys up with it.
 
                                                          DAVE
                                               He did what?
 
                                                         BLONDE
                                              Never seen anything like it. My name’s Lucy.
 
                                                         ED
                                               Hey, Lucy. 
 
                                                       BLONDE
                                             And what’s your name?
 
                                                        ED
                                              It’s Ed.
 
                                                      BLONDE
                                             Do you want to go out sometime, Ed?
 
                                                      ED
                                             Yes.
 
The blonde walks away. 
 
                                                     DAVE
                                             What’s she talking about, Ed?
 
                                                     ED
                                           It’s just a thing I’m able to do. It’s weird.
                                           I used to be ashamed about it, but it’s kind
                                           of like a whole thing I don’t want  to get into
                                           right now.
 
                                                    DAVE
                                             O.K.
 
Ed sips his beer.
 
                                                   (V.O.)
                                       As I drank my beer I started thinking about
                                      how cool it must have looked to see someone get
                                     beat up with a penis. It must have been cool for Lucy.
                                   Oh, and the thing where I laser-beamed the couch was made up.
                                     That part didn’t really happen. But the part where I took
                                     off my dick was actually real. 
 
                                                  DAVE
                                       You are crazy, man. 
 
                                                   ED
                                          I know.
                                          (beat)
                                       Hey, I’m gonna head back. I need to get up early tomorrow.
 
                                                  DAVE
                                            Later.
 
Ed waves bye.
 
EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT
 
Ed walks home through a quad. Streetlights shine along his way. He reaches into his pants and pulls out a huge, flesh colored dildo. He peeks inside his underwear and sees his real dick there. 
 
                                                      ED
                                            Yup. Still there. 
 
(Secret note to the director: Ed never really took off his penis. He just carried around a huge fake one and everybody thought it was his real one. But it wasn’t. His real dick is much smaller. But attached. So what Ed said in the voiceover above was a lie. Except for the laser beam part. That was true. Meaning that it was true he DIDN’T laser beam a couch. The part about the separable penis was a lie.)
 
 
Ed Mountaineer is a famous columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. He was hired after we encountered him at a Taco Bell. He can be reached at [email protected]. If you would like to hire Ed, please see his résumé here.