Five chilling movies you NEED to watch before Halloween.

So many pumpkins, so little time.

Every October the horror movie industry pushes films that promise to shock, surprise, and terrify. Then we watch them and it’s like “pfffffft” (farting sound). This Halloween season, instead of watching recycled ghost stories and junior high jump scares, we’ve curated a “must see” list of brand new, chilling movies that will give you nightmares you may never come back from. 
 
 
 Pumpkin Fuckers 5.
 
This “found footage” masterpiece is about a bunch of sweaty men who have sex with pumpkins. Although there’s not a lot of dialogue, one of the guys asks for a new pumpkin because he’s already destroyed the one they gave him with his dick. (Spoiler: they bring him one and he has sex with it). While this isn’t traditional Halloween fare, horror connoisseurs will appreciate the close-up penetration shots and other stuff as well. Note: Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4 are similar in plot, but we suggest the fifth one because there are more guys and more pumpkins. 
 
Freaks on a Boat.
 
What’s that in the distance? Is it a ghost ship floating in the bay? Wait a second… As the camera zooms in, we see it’s a group of men having sex with pumpkins…. On a boat? Yes, it’s a freak show. Yes, it’s dudes pounding pumpkins. Yes, you need to watch it. 
 
The Patch.
 
The title tricks the viewer from the start. Is this about a pirate who wears an eye patch? But then, minds are blown when it’s revealed that this is not about a pirate at all, and the word “patch” refers to a pumpkin patch—one where strange men arrive to have sex with all the pumpkins. Unlike other pumpkin fucking movies, this one is outdoors but not on a boat. Instead, it takes place at what looks like an actual pumpkin patch. In one spooky scene, we catch a glimpse of the farmer who agreed to let these guys fuck his pumpkins. He looks kind of pissed off, as if he wants to say, “Why did I let these guys do this to my pumpkins? I can’t sell these now.” Or can he?
 
Behind the Patch.
 
In this documentary, we see behind the scenes footage of how “the Patch” was made. As speculated, the farmer who let the film crew and actors into his pumpkin patch was not totally clear on what was going on, probably because he doesn’t speak English really well. We see tensions rise as some money is exchanged for the use of the property but then all the pumpkins are violated. By the end, we see the farmer screaming in a foreign language at the film producers. The subtitles read: “Why are these men having sex with my pumpkins? I can’t sell them now!” Or can he?
 
Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4.
 
We kind of lied about how Pumpkin Fuckers 5 was better than Pumpkin Fuckers 1-4. They’re all pretty much the same. Just pick one. Or pick them all. It doesn’t really matter.

IBR MERCH