Last minute Halloween costumes for overweight, middle-aged men.

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What once was a day of pumpkins, spooky decorations, and joy has become a regretful time many overweight, middle-aged men wish would just be over already. No longer able to pull off clever, witty costumes that defined their youths, this demographic has shifted from ubeat celebrants of a wholesome holiday focused on slutty kitty cat outfits and devil worship, to depressed candy bowl holders who warn children to “just take one.”
 
This Halloween, the Intergalactic Business Report offers these men a last-minute reprieve so that they may once again enjoy the spectacle of the season. If you’re a little fat, shocked at the grotesque statue of decay you’ve become, and want to have a little fun again, we offer you some last-minute costume ideas that will not only get you through the day, but might forever alter your life. 
 
 
Last minute Halloween costumes for overweight, middle-aged men.
 
 
Fat Harry Hamlin from LA Law.
This is what Harry Hamlin’s character from LA Law would be today if he lost most of his hair, gained a shitload of weight, and was a recovering alcoholic. 
 
Life-didn’t-work-out dude.
Mostly this is a great comeback when someone sardonically asks you what you’re “supposed to be” for Halloween because they think you were too fucking lazy to come up with a costume idea. Joke’s on them. You’re a loser in life and for pretend. 
 
The fanny pincher.
Keep pinching those fannies till someone figures it out. 
 
Peaked in high school. 
Perhaps the easiest of all costumes, just find your old letter jacket and try to fit it on your fat body. Everyone will immediately get the picture.
 
Big Ted.
Just wear a flannel shirt and do a low, chortly laugh that hides your pain, but not really. 
 
Whoops, my penis slipped out of my tight Wrangler jeans (adult parties only).
This is the one time of year where this could work so take advantage. 
 
Unable to control his movements Fred.
Wear anything you want, but knock shit over constantly because tonight you’re Fred, who can’t control any of his movements. Sorry about the punch bowl. And for hitting you in the face multiple times. 
 
Unable to control his bowel movements Tony.
Tony? What did you do? Take a shit on my living room floor? Again?
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Freak Ho.
You’re a saucy lady who will have sex with anyone for money or a handshake with a promise to pay in the future. This should be one of the easiest costumes to pull off, because you constantly have to do that when you have sex with random humans. 
 
Dangerous, unpredictable Jerry.
No one knows what Jerry’s gonna do next, but rest assured, it will be violent and out of nowhere. Get ready for some inappropriate face-slapping action and police take downs as you introduce your friends and family to your temporary persona as a man with a hair trigger temper who doesn’t recognize the laws of man. 

Spooky merch right here