MCU officially casts new actors and fans are losing their minds.

Every so often, a movie studio announces superhero movie casting decisions and ignites a spontaneous bacchanalia among fans. Other times, the casting choices are met with almost suicidal dismay by the stalwarts who call for purity in comic book storytelling. This week, MCU* released news fans have been waiting to dissect and criticize or praise and masturbate to. The recent actor picks have caused many MCU fans to lose their minds. 

We talked to them about whether they approved, condemned, or were just so-so about the announcements. What we found is that no MCU fan is “so-so” about anything. Here’s what they told us:
 
Mike Danvers, Seattle Washington.
“I am losing my fucking mind, man. I need medication or something. The MCU casting is causing me to have some kind of unexplained mental breakdown.”
 
Clive Winterseed, Manhattan Kansas.
“I’ve been on the edge most of my life, but this decision about the MCU has pushed me into total madness. I am now what you might call a ‘certified lunatic.’”
 
Maria Branja, Unincorporated Oregon.
“I told my psychiatrist I was unbreakable and that there was nothing she could do to get in my head. She clearly worked with the MCU studio to get around that.”
 
Chuck Wolverine (legally changed name), Utica New York.
“AAAAAAAAARGH! UUUUUNNNNNGH!”
 
Chantelle Musgrave, Oxford Mississippi.
“I think my pussy is on fire. Nope. That’s just the hallucinations. Nope. It’s an STD.”
 
Garvey Newsom, Yountville California.
“I was seeing things before, but this announcement has taken that to a whole new level. Now I’m being told that you’re a demon and I must slay you. I’m sorry if I’m wrong about that but you will die now.”
 
*Masturbation Clarity Unit.

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