Opinion columnist Ed Mountaineer makes a plea to Hallmark to please make adult versions of its popular Christmas and Romance movies.
Let me get this out of the way before I write any further. I have never made it through an entire Hallmark movie. The reason? There’s no sex and no nudity. If this were to change, however, then I would almost certainly be a loyal Hallmark movie viewer. And yet Hallmark seems almost determined to shut me out. Why?
Let me get another thing out of the way too. This isn’t the first time I’ve asked a major company to change their content so that it’s sexier. I’ve asked the creators of “He man” to make their cartoon a series about rough man on man sex and I’ve asked the creators of “Mario Brothers” to make their video game about rough man on man sex, even though I am totally and absolutely not gay. Needless to say, I was met with total disapproval and even forcibly removed from several office buildings where I showed up for non-scheduled one on one meetings with their executives.
So today I ask Hallmark to not make the same mistake in alienating me from their brand. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you, Hallmark, to change your whole formula. I like the format of not totally hot actresses who fall in love with former male models at Christmas and also just because. I think you’re on the right track. In fact, you are very close to delivering the perfect product to America and beyond. Just slightly re-write a few of the scenes so that they’re porn. It’s that simple. You can keep the rest.
To illustrate the enormous potential of my insanely good idea, I’ve listed some quick fixes that could have been done (and still can be!) by simply altering a few of the titles of current and past movies. For example:
“Christmas on Honeysuckle Lane” changes to “Christmas on Dickysucky Lane.”
“Christmas at the Palace” turns into “Christmas in my Pal’s Ass.”
“A Shoe Addict’s Christmas” is now “A Shoe Fetishist’s Christmas.”
“Christmas at Pemberly Manor” could easily become “Dickmas at Peniserly Manor.”
“Jingle around the Clock” is of course “Jingle around the Cock.”
“The Beach House” is now “The Bitch House.”
“Naughty or Nice…” No need to change the title.
“My Boyfriend’s Dogs” becomes a multiple penis story as “My Boyfriends’ Hogs.”
See? It’s so easy. And I’m not even asking for a cut of the ridiculous profits Hallmark will make instantly with my plan. I am simply begging them to come to their senses and finally give me what I need and want.
I thank America for its time and I thank myself for mine. I can only spend so much of it helping others and now have to move on. When I think of something else that can change the course of everything, I will try to get that to everyone. But I have a lot of shit I’m working on, so there may be a delay. In the meantime, I hope everyone who’s read this will join the silent protest against Hallmark till they finally come to their senses and do the right thing.
Ed Mountaineer is an opinion columnist for the Intergalactic Business Report. His views almost directly coincide with everything we believe in and cherish with no reservations or hesitation whatsoever. When he writes something, we just nod our heads before we even read it. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Like yoghurt, we keep it cultured actively.