Real Housewives of Salt Lake City reveal superhuman fart powers.

On this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Lisa Barlow dropped the rumor that Bronwyn Newport’s husband Todd was seen by her friend making out with someone and that he was “farting the entire time.”  When questioned about who her friend was, Barlow stated it was “someone that I believe and trust.” She added that, “I mean, I grew up in New York, I know a lot of people.”
 
Something about this exchange captivated our editors and led us on a path of truth-seeking we have seldom journeyed upon. We realized that we too know a lot of people we believe and trust, so we decided to share the stuff we’ve heard from them. Here’s what we gathered from those trusted sources:
 
“Colonel Sanders bit my nipple off.”*
 
“Squirrels are real.”**
 
That was pretty much all we got. But then it hit us why this story fascinated us so much. It was simple—Todd’s fart power. If Lisa Barlow’s story is true it means that Todd was able to go through an entire make out session (which averages 11.9 minutes) while farting “the entire time.” That means almost twelve full minutes of nonstop farting.
 
Considering a fart takes about two seconds to release (five if it is a long, bellowing rip) Todd could have farted almost 360 times, making him the greatest living farter on Earth (Banjo Mukaheedin will always be number one, but his farts were before recorded history and are the stuff of legends). 
 
Even if Todd only “made out” for a few minutes, his fart production would have been stunning. Lisa’s description of the event also reveals that people were actively watching and smelling the event, meaning it was so pronounced and farty that at least one witness felt compelled to come forward and tell the world. We assume the ventilation at the incident site was powerful enough to prevent deaths (see below). 
 
The implications for Todd as a fart master are significant. The obvious route for him would be to work for an intelligence agency where he would appear in a subway tunnel or elevator and target foreign adversaries with his farts. Most humans can absorb the odor of one or two farts, but few are immune to the foul deadliness of a veritable Gatlin Gun of tiny butt explosions. Todd could enter the scene, fart until his victims fell dead, and then leave as though nothing happened other than a middle-aged man entering a closed space and farting for several minutes until everyone died. 
 
As you read that last sentence, you probably asked yourself, “Wait a second. How’s Todd not dead? He’s in the middle of the fart storm.” And this brings us to the most intriguing part of Todd’s ability—he clearly can’t smell farts or at least isn’t affected by them. He can even make out and do them. Experts*** we spoke to told us that farts you produce yourself are somehow not as malodorous as someone else’s, forming what is known as the Smellt it Dealt it Paradox. Whatever the case, Lisa Barlow’s rumor remains officially unverified and is kind of like someone saying they saw Bigfoot—we want to believe them, but if it’s true, then the world has changed forever. 
 
*Could’ve been someone who kind of looked like Colonel Sanders.
**Unverified.
***Some guy at a bar. 

Smelly tees