“Secret Lives” psychology session unveils new techniques.

Jersey Mike's Therapy

In season three of Hulu’s Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, cast member Mikayla bravely allows a therapy session to be filmed in which she deals with a horrifying childhood trauma. While we applaud her courage, we watched with great interest as the therapist employed a technique she called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. From what we witnessed on episode five, EMDR involves a therapist asking questions while she holds up two fingers and feverishly moves them back and forth in front of the subject’s face until, we assume, the therapist finally passes out. 
 
Because the Intergalactic Business Report prides itself on being at the forefront of any new psychological treatments, we applaud the Mormons for their unorthodox therapy techniques such as Ketamine therapy and soaking. Below, we list other therapies whose times have come and we invite the Mormon wives to try them:
 
New therapeutic treatments for the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives.
 
Jersey Mike’s Therapy: 
The therapist eats a sandwich, and her mouth is so full that you have to do all the talking, thus forcing you to express your needs, especially that the psychologist would stop eating or at least use a napkin.
 
Open Hole Therapy:
The therapist puts one finger in her own butt while asking you questions.
 
High Heart Rate Therapy:
The therapist does jumping jacks until she passes out.
 
Extreme Urine Therapy:
The therapist has to pee really badly during the session.
 
Circular Motion Therapy:
The therapist circles you while asking questions.
 
7-11 Therapy:
The therapist drinks a big gulp during the session.
 
Parlay Therapy:
The therapist places bets on an app while you tell her about your childhood trauma.
 
Silent Therapy:
The therapist ignores you so you have to deal with the problem on your own because that’s the only way you’re really going to face it.
 
Absence Therapy:
The therapist isn’t even there. You just sit there in a room and think. Really think.
 
Sticker Shock Therapy:
The therapist reads you your bill while you ask how it could possibly be that high. 
 
Stop Motion Therapy:
The therapist pretends to be “frozen” while she asks you questions. Then her mouth stops moving from the freeze and you have to be alone with your thoughts as you watch her grow more and more cold and distant.
 
Water Park Therapy:
The therapist is at a water park, and you are in her office. Occasionally she Facetimes you to tell you about the slide she just went down, and you have to be like, yeah, that’s awesome, and then she’s like, well, I better get back to it, and she hangs up.
 
Dinner Therapy:
You cook a meal for the therapist at your house while she questions you. But most of the questions are about why you cooked that so long and why there’s so much salt.
 
Vespa Therapy:
You and the therapist rent mopeds and drive through the city. It’s hard to talk because there’s traffic and it’s loud, but at the end of it you’ve symbolically “arrived” somewhere and that’s good, right?
 
Extreme Decibel Therapy:
The therapist screams her questions.
 
Gen Z Therapy:
The therapist plays on her phone while asking questions. Occasionally she’ll stop the session to show you a meme or just laugh at something and then apologize before saying, “It’s not you.”

Non mormon tees